Confused

Confused, probably the best way to describe my emotions right now. You're in Heaven, you see it all. You know what's going on....you know why I'm confused. Please understand my confusion and if I make mistakes. I love you honey, more than life itself. My mind is a mess, I'm so lost without you. I don't know what I want.

I am still in such shock. I can't believe I will never see you again in this lifetime. I will be without you forever. I hate this, I absolutely hate this. I would give anything, I mean it, anything, to be with you again. I miss you so terribly. I hate everyday. I really do. I hate getting up everyday, yet I hate going to bed every night. I don't know if it's because I have to get up and face another day or what. But I'm so tired of each and everyday. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life now. I hate work, I'm tired of everyone I work with and I don't want to see any of their faces again. I wish I was independently wealthy and I could just quit and go do something else. Anything. I'm so lost. I really do hate everyday. We are all so lucky I am a Catholic and I believe I would go to hell if I committed suicide cuz I want to die so I can be with you sooo bad. There is nothing worthwhile for me on this earth. My family, but I'm so depressed even with them in my life. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but all I want is you. I know I would hurt my family so much if something happened to me, so I don't want to die for that reason. Other than that I would have a hard time staying strong and convincing myself to stay alive. Those two reasons, my family and I want to go to Heaven are the only reasons I am still here. I can't put into words how lonely I am without you and how bad it hurts to think of everyday without you. How bad it hurts to think I will never see you on this earth while I live, not tonight, not tomorrow morning, not in 2 weeks, not next month, not next year, not in a few years.....never. I can't believe that. How could this happen? Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why did God even bring you into my life if he knew he was going to do this? Why has he chosen to be so cruel to me? Why has he brought such pain, anger, confusion, sadness, hurt into my life? I hate this, I don't want this. I don't want this life. I don't care if I'm weak and unable to handle this. I never asked for this. All I wanted was to find someone beautiful like you and live a beautiful life. This doesn't happen to anyone I know. Why me? You have brought such pain into my life. I'm afraid this is never ending. I will never be the same. No one can tell me I will ever find anyone as good as you. I will always compare anyone and everyone to you. That's not fair to anyone, but I can't see how I wouldn't. You were so perfect. That is the honest to God truth. You were perfect. I can barely look at your picture, it hurts me so deep, to the bone. It makes me sick to think of how beautiful our relationship was and how there is nothing now. I have the biggest void in my soul now. I am scarred for life. You have my heart, leaving me with a soul that's damaged forever. I hate that I am so negative, sad and depressed, yet I do everything that "they" say to do. I exercise, I hang around friends, I eat somewhat right, I used to sleep ok, I work, I have hobbies, I get out and about, I'm spiritual. What the fuck else am I supposed to do? I do all that shit and I'm still sad as hell. I don't know what else to do. I hate being like this, I absolutely hate it. Why do you think I want to escape all this......cuz it hurts so bad and I want to be with you. I wish I could make this pain stop. I wish I didn't think of you all day. The saddest thing that I hate to admit to, is lately I wish I never met you. If I would've never met you, I would never be going through any of this pain and heartache. I wouldn't have to deal with finding some dumb ass attorney for the property. I wouldn't have to deal with ----, ----- and -----...trying to be someone for them. Feeling guilty cuz I don't call enough or do enough for them.....cuz I can't replace their dad. I wouldn't have known that there is a life out there so amazing compared to what I led before I met you and what I lead now. I wouldn't have to worry about your mom and dad, worry if I call them enough.....calling them anyway and pretending I'm doing ok when really it's the end of the world for me. Calling them and not knowing what to say. I wouldn't have to deal with your car parts and Charger. I wouldn't have a pit in my gut every time someone talked about weddings, funerals, wedding gifts, anniversaries, dating, boyfriends, girlfriends, living together, seeing cars that looked like yours, pickups like the red one you drove, your pilots rig, your moms black one. I wouldn't have a pit in my stomach every time I saw or heard a helicopter, a camper trailer in an RV park, a logger, every time a fire fighter dies, every time a helicopter wrecks, every time a pilot dies, every time I see a St. Bernard, every time I think of your mom, dad, daughters, every time I make the property payment, every time I drive by anywhere we ever went, any property we ever thought of buying, every new house being built, every time I drive somewhere all by myself, every time I drive to -----. I wouldn't have a pit in my stomach every time I wake up, look at your picture, take a shower, see your toothbrush, see you shampoo, see your shaving cream. Every time I check my messages, look at my cell phone, check my email. I could go on and on forever, but you are ALWAYS there, I can't get rid of you and your memories. They don't go away. I dream of you, actually looking for you. I'm always looking for you and I can never find you. I know you're there but I never see or find you and I want to soooo bad. I'm almost frantic looking for you. I just wish I could stop crying and be back to a normal state. I can't handle all I go through sometimes. I just want to lay here and do nothing except watch the time pass. I want it to pass so fast, I want to get to the point to where I never remember you or at least when I do remember you it doesn't hurt. Please tell me someday this will stop hurting. I miss you so much honey. I need you, I really do, my heart is broken as is my spirit. Please let God take me. I need you honey, please help me. I love you forever. xoxoxox your baby girl.