It's Been Awhile

Its been awhile since i've written you...at least emailed you. just so painful and i don't ever know what to write except how much it hurts, but i don't want to keep sending you emails about how bad it hurts. i want to send you emails of how much i love you and miss you. i did write you a letter yesterday. your 7 month letter. it's been hard lately. i'm just so tired. tired of trying to please everybody. tired of putting on a happy face for everyone. tired of pretending i'm doing ok so people don't worry about me. i'm tired of faking. i'm tired of hiding the pain. i'm tired of masking the pain. i don't know how to make it all better. i really have no idea. i seriously feel like a completely different person. i'm not me. really, i feel so different and i'm trying so hard to make others think i'm the same. i just feel so numb all the time. going to work everyday is so hard. i try to stay happy and energetic, but i'm so, so tired. i don't think people would understand, so i don't let it show. all i want to do is stay at home and tinker around here. i have lots of little projects i could do. i don't want to see anyone except on my terms, i don't want to talk to anyone, except on my terms. dont' worry, i don't want to sit around here and do nothing....that makes it worse. i just want to take this at my pace. anyway, enough bitching. i love you so much honey. i miss you. i want you back in my life so bad. i really, really want to be with you again. i wish i could die and be with you in heaven right now. i don't want my family to go through pain....that would be selfish for me to go so i could be happy, but at the expense at my families happiness. i know the pain i'm going through right now and i wouldn't wish this on anyone. i don't know what else to say honey....i just hurt so much and i don't want to write about it. thanks for the best memories of my life. i love you. i miss you. you have my heart forever. love your baby girl. xoxoxox