9 Months

It's been 9 months, well it's 1:30 in the morning, so I guess I waited too long to write this. 9 months and one day. It's a blur I don't know what the hell is going on. Nothing is ever how you want it. I want to be left alone all to myself here, so I can read all my catholic books, the bible, my death & dying books. I want to organize my music and download more and more and more. I want to think deeply, I want to dwell, I want to make this all go away. I feel so numb. I feel so weird. I really don't know what to write. I feel more different now this past couple weeks than I have this whole time. I feel unmotivated, depressed but not sad. Maybe it is numb. Maybe I do have no feeling. Cuz I just don't care about anything. I haven't exercised for a few days. I just eat when it comes to mind. I haven't cleaned my house. It's a pit. It was a struggle just to pay bills. I don't call anyone. I just really would like to withdraw and withdraw and withdraw until I figure this out. I don't know what I'm figuring out and even stupider, I know there is no answer, so to think I can "figure" this out is ludacris. It seems I sit to dwell on something and I'm interrupted by people. I wish people would leave me alone so I could do all I need. That's why I stay up so late, I'm trying to squeeze more time out of the day. More time to do stuff. Funny, I jump from one project to another. I think something is a good idea, I start it then I either get bored with it or interrupted and then I never go back. I have "projects" all over my house. I'm the biggest one. I need help. I need more time. I need more space. I need you. I still can't look at your picture. I hate too. I try so hard to cling to our memories, but I also try so hard to shove them in. They hurt so bad. I think what has happened is that this pain is so much I can't handle it. Not so much me, but my mind. You were perfect, you were what every woman wants. You were an angel. You treated me like a queen. You were soft spoken. You were caring. You were gentle. You were funny. You were giving. You were considerate. You were affectionate. You were modest. You were soft. You were cuddly. You were real. You were you. You were a real man. You didn't put on a front to be a big shot. You weren't cocky. You weren't full of yourself. You didn't try to be someone you weren't. You never acted out of character, trying to please people. What you saw was what you got. You didn't have to try to be a King. You just were. You were just you and you were a God. You were a prince. You were a king. You were an angel. I can't believe you're gone. I still look for you every Sunday at church. I still look in every blue ----- and every maroon ---- pickup that looks like yours. I saw one today. My heart jumped into my throat. It wasn't you. I still look out the window at night waiting for you to pull up or just walk out of the darkness. I want you. I want you to call. I want you to visit me. I want you to hug me. I want you to sleep next to me. I want you to spend the rest of my life with. I want you to wrap your arms around me. I want you to laugh with. I want you to share everything with me. I don't know what has happened to me. I'm broken. I'm lost. I don't know what's left of me. I think you went to Heaven and you took me with you because I'm gone. I'm a shell. You have me, I swear to God, you have all of me. Every last bit of my heart and soul. You have all my love. You have my thoughts. You have everything that makes up me. I'm fine with that. You can have me. All of me. All I want is to finish my time here on earth as quickly as possible, so I can be with you. With my heart. With my soul. With my being. I really feel like you took me with you and all that's left is this shell and I'm left here to recreate a whole new person. Basically, I am starting from scratch and it's up to me to create this new person. I can steer myself down the sad, depressed, withdrawn path or I can indulge in books and thoughts and interaction and make a new person. A person that I've always wanted to be. A person you would want me to be. A person that God wants me to be. So this shell sits here, and although I am empty and have no where to turn. Although my heart and soul are gone and my brain is numb, someone somewhere is steering me in the right direction because I have no clue what I'm doing. I have no direction in my day to day life. I'm so numb and in such a fog, I don't know what way is up. I am living somehow. It's day to day. It is certain that it's not me. It can't be. I'm lost. I don't know what to do. How come I wasn't this empty before you? How could I be single before you and content. I'm right back in the same boat. I guess this time I have no oars. I float aimlessly as the winds and tides of life keep me going. I don't know where because my oars are gone. You were my oars. I only know I am going somewhere. It could be down a huge waterfall to my destruction or it could be out to the big, vast ocean. Lost forever in this big world. Or maybe I will just stay where I am eventually getting some semblance of some oars so I can gain some control over this. I guess that's what I'm doing just drifting aimlessly waiting for something to happen. Mainly just waiting for you to come back or for me to come to you. The only thing I ask is that my journey to you happens quickly. I don't want to live the rest of my life without you. With this pain. I would like it to fast forward in time either to my demise or to my old age in which I only have a year or so to live. All this fill in the middle I could do without. I wanted the fill in the middle to be sweet with you by my side. Now it's just some lonely road. Quiet and slow moving. Lonely. And not lonely for other people. Only you. I am only lonely for you. I don't want anyone else in my life. At all. All I want is you. You are the void in my life and only you can fill it. Just like a puzzle piece, you are the only one that will fit. Nothing else will fit in the space you once occupied. I don't know how I'm supposed to make it through life without you by my side. I can make it, but how is it supposed to be fulfilling or happy. I can be content with what God has left me and know that this is his plan, but being genuinely happy without you seems impossible. I don't even think there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't see one anyway. I guess I want you to know that you are the best thing that ever happened to me my whole life. You really are honey. I think back to when you asked me to marry you and I have never been so happy EVER. You know, up until that point it was the only time in my life I ever cried because I was so happy. I was so happy for what we were, what we had and what was to come. You were my dream man. I can't stand that I've lost you. I've lost you and the happiness you brought to me and brought out in me. I am lost. I am. And today I was thinking, that's okay, it's kind of different going through life lost. Not a care in the world and blind. Whatever happens I am just a token. Do what you must to me Lord. Nothing can be worse than this. I think about that. Even if mom, dad, ---, ---, ---, --- and grandma all were killed at once I swear to you I am so numb right now. It just would be more people dead. I honestly think about what if that happens and I would just be the same as I am now. It wouldn't surprise me and it would hurt but no more than what I am now. It's kind of like being cold. If it's -10 outside you are miserable and cold. -30 makes no difference, it's colder, but you can't even tell cuz negative temps are miserable and cold, regardless if it's -20 or -50. It's the same with death, once one person puts you past the brink, others won't do anything to you. I expect death to happen now. 8 people in 10 months. Who's to say it won't happen. I wait for it now. I'm ready for it. If anything now would be a good time because I am so numb. So I guess what I was saying was that I'm a token and the Lord can do what he'd like to me now. My pain is maxed out, nothing could be worse than losing you. Really. Nothing. Not rape. Not losing my job. Not losing all my friends. Not losing my family. Not losing my own life. No loss can be greater than the loss of you. So while I am empty, I am not worthless. I try for you honey. I don't know what I'm trying to be, but I know what I'm trying not to be. I'm trying not to drink alcohol, I'm trying not to get fat, I'm trying to exercise regularly, I'm trying to smile everyday, I'm trying not to sulk, I'm trying not to regress, I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, I'm trying to keep my head above water. I don't know how to do it or how I'm doing it (Footsteps _ the Lord is carrying me). For you, I try. It really doesn't get me much, but my head above water. That is real. Otherwise I would drown. Right now I'm not drowning, I'm treading. I get tired and I break down, but I don't ever drown. I don't know....I'm sorry honey. I talk too much to you (and only you). I hope I don't let you down. I still want you to love me and look at me with admiring eyes. I'm trying honey. I am really. It's just so hard without you. The time in my life when I need you the most and you are gone. And you are the cause of it. Who would have ever guessed. How ironic is that? The time I need you most is caused by you. Too much thinking. I think I could ramble on forever and forever. So anyway, it's been 9 months and I miss you so much. I bury it and I don't think about it. I worry myself because I think I am burying you too much. Worries me for two reasons. It will surface eventually, only when it does it will be larger. And I don't want to bury you in my mind. I don't want to sever ties with you. I already lost you physically, I don't want to lose the strings that tie me to you still. Namely the memories. It's such a damn double edged sword. Dammit. If I think of the memories I want to die. The pain is so intense I want to kill. Or I bury them and it resurfaces later and I bury you, the best thing in my life, in the process. I don't want to lose you ever. The physical you, I had no choice, but I can still cling to everything else. I don't ever want to lose the memory of your touch, your smell, your voice, your laugh, your words ("you're a dandy"). I don't want to lose you anymore. So I battle this double edged sword every day and I think I'm losing. I still can't look at your pictures. I am numb as can be as I look at them, they mean nothing. If I let myself feel, I want to stab my heart and guts out because they hurt so bad. There is no pain like this in the whole world. One thing is certain. If God had a choice to take you or me, I am so thankful he left me to suffer and take the pain. I would never, ever as long as I live, would have ever wanted you to experience this pain. I'd let this crush and kill me before I'd ever let a drop get to you. Thank the Lord for that, you don't have to experience hell on earth. Wow, honey, it's been an hour that I've been typing. I better go to bed now. I love you with what's left of me......all of the broken me loves you. What's left is all for you. Every last bit. You are my soul mate and someday our souls will be reunited again. I love you K-dub, so, so, so, so much. xoxoxoxxo Your Baby Girl.