Sleepless

i do okay, but i'm sleepless. i really don't know if i'm doing okay. my attitude is okay, but my minds not. i still think of u non-stop...only when i submerge myself into dl'ing music and organizing my hard drive(s) to i get a temporary respite. i miss u so much, it's winter, i'm laid off, there are holidays and i miss u. i can't wait til they are just over. i gotta try to make plans to see your mom and the girls. it's not that i don't wanna see em, i just dont wanna do all the legwork and driving to see em. i'm getting pretty content just hangin out here at home. i know it sounds bad. it's nothing against them, i love them all very much, but i just don't wanna be around people. sometimes i think i'm getting better at actually being around people, but then days upon days go on and then all of the sudden i'm completely opposite, i don't want anything to do with people.

ya know it's ridiculous... i have all these guys sweatin me now....wtf. serious, i mean it's only been 9 months, to the date (this isn't your 9 month letter) and i got ----- wantin to cook me dinner and tellin me how cool i am, i got ---- (your friend...hah, some friend) telling me how easy it is to talk to me, calling me gorgeous and trying to get me to visit him, i got ---- wanting me to come over to ----- so he can take me to a bball game. doesn't matter if i tell them i still love you and there's no way, no how, impossible, not interested, they still call. ugh....i want you honey!!!! it even seems like there was another? well i got -----, we IM every night...well pretty much every night, but he's cool cuz we are both crystal clear, friends only and it seems to be going best with him. i can talk about u whenever i want with him and he can talk to me whenever he wants about his x, who he still loves. so that's probably why we get along so well. isn't it funny that all my friends are guys? i could never talk to a girl about you and how i feel. wonder why? kinda funny.

well, crap, i don't really know why i'm writing you. boredom. not tired. thinking of you. don't know what to do. just know i don't want to sleep. i could stare out the window for hrs, only at night for some reason, and just think of you. sometimes i just listen to music and reminisce, sometimes i talk to you, sometimes i just cry. this is awful, i really hate this. i want you soooo bad, i can't put words to how much i need u in my life and how empty i feel right now.

i think pretty deep at times and think it would be great if i could put it on paper. but i don't want to disturb 'my groove' so i go with the moment, i don't move and when the moment has passed i think about writing it down, but then i'm not feeling it anymore, or i just know i could never put it all to words exactly how i was thinking. it would lose its effect, so i just don't write it down. i don't know why i told u that..i guess i want u to know i think of you way more often than i actually write. i'd have a frickin library if i wrote every thought about you. :)

well, i don't know what to say to you anymore, i guess i'll go to bed, i gotta get up early (6am - not used to that anymore) for church.

i miss you honey bunny..words can't describe...it's forever. your baby girl xoxoxo