Jan 4, 2007

Try To Live & Believe These Words I Type

I lost my only true love on 03/17/06, he was but 39 and we both never expected to have such a short time together. But as I have searched my heart and soul, I realize we have loved enough for a life time. The reason I say this is we all live out God's Will....
God's Will for ---- and I was to meet, fall in love from the inside out and for us both to know the real meaning of true love. I have never felt this kind of love in my life, and I have said I loved before to someone else, but until my sweet -----....I only thought I knew love.
I know he would not want me to be unhappy and cry too many tears as he loved to see me happy and teasing him or others around us. I have to find my way back to living again, not just for me, but for -----. He hated to see me cry, as it would bring him to tears too.
----- had just begun to have a very strong belief in his faith and God. We both believed the same, that we are born on a set date, and we will go to Heaven on a certain date, for this is God's Will.
Holidays this year are very painful and I know I must get through them for my family and his family, and it is hard as ---- was the biggest kid for Christmas....so this year I will just get through them, but next year I have to find a way to honor him and make the holidays what they are to be ... joyous. And that will be a challenge.
I know it was God's Will for me to meet ---- as he taught me the true meaning of love and being loved. I also loved ---- the way he had never been loved before, as ---- would tell me no one has ever loved me until you or no one ever talked with me and listened to me until you. I am very blessed to have been that special person to love this wonderful man and to have been, in his mind, his one and only wife.
I have made the decision to live the rest of my life to honor this great man who touched my heart and soul. I will take life with baby steps at first, then walk, and at times I will run...but I will have him in me each step...he is forever in my heart and soul so I am never alone.
I will greatly miss him being with me physically, as I could sure use his arms around me and those sweet kisses....but I can close my eyes and still feel him. It is better than nothing at all.
I look deep inside and recapture the loving feeling ------ and I shared and I embrace it, as no one can ever take that from me and I can live through anything with it. ----- needs for me and others to carry on his memory on Earth.
----- will live life for us in Heaven, and I must live for the two of us on Earth. It is not easy, and I know there will be tears and anger at times, but through it all comes life and love.
I have a site for ----- on memory-of.com for him that I can go to and add and read or just feel near him. I also know there are days I can't open the site as my heart is not up to it, but I know ------ understands. I also have to share ------'s story with others to make them aware of what a wonderful man my one and only soul mate was for those of them who didn't have the precious opportunity to share with him as I did or get to know him as I did.

I have made it this far, 9 long, heart wretching months for a reason...------ is inside of me and pushing me to regain my self and live again. He will not be mad if I laugh again, smile again, and start to have fun again. I was his and he will not resent me for living...I need to live for the two of us.

Sure I still have those moments of anger and tears!!! It is human and normal, it is what we do with those emotions that will help us.

I will forever miss his kisses and will ache at times for him to hold me, so I will close my eyes and I will feel him...I will hear him whisper the five words he would say to me a 100 times a day...."I love you baby girl..." a tear will fall but I feel better as I know he is still in my heart and soul and NO ONE can touch that.....no one.

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