11 Months

well here i sit and it's been 11 months since you've been gone from my life. i don't know how i've made it - i really don't. for everyone in this world 11 months has passed, for me it seems like just yesterday. honey, i try so hard to go on and hopefully i make you proud. i hope i am being strong enuf for you. i know there are times when i frustrate myself, but sometimes i don't know any different. if i knew how to get better and make the pain go away i would. i'm sure there must be times when you look upon me and just wish you could see me smiling and laughing again...i wish that too. someday. it is the beginning of lent today and my focus it to be more positive and spiritual. by positive i mean, i have to remember how much you loved me, instead of letting it fade and doubting. i often times think that you are happy now and you've forgotten about me - maybe you love everyone equal now because you are in heaven and i no longer hold a special place in your heart. i am an equal in your eyes now. i sometimes don't feel special or loved by you any longer. why would you even still think about me, you have such better things in your new life and surroundings now. so i get depressed. then i wonder if you loved me as much as i loved you while you were here and of course that is stupid. why is it then that i need to hear reinforcement from your mom, ---, your friends of just how much you loved me. you were the happiest they'd ever seen you. you loved me so, so much. i know that. i re-read your emails to me and letters and there is no doubt you loved me as much as i loved you. so that's what i mean when i say i need to focus on staying positive! i NEED to remember how so much you loved me and how much i loved you. i don't know why i forget, well, i don't think i forget, i think it's just easier for me to pretend like it wasn't anything much. if i really think about how deep and perfect our love was it hurts....BAD. so to not experience the pain i down play what we had. i need to stop doing that, i need to celebrate what we had and never forget. i want my love for you to stay strong. i want it to always be that way. i don't ever want anyone else in my life - ever. i don't want anyone to taint what perfect love we had. no one will ever take your place honey, so don't you worry. who knows, you may be sitting up there and hoping i love again so i will be happy, but i just can't do that honey. i just can't. it doesn't even seem possible. is it so wrong to love you so much that i will never be able to love another again. as long as it doesn't hurt me or bring me pain i am fine with it. i really am, i truly believe it's admirable that my heart will always belong to one man....you. i wanted to talk about some other things that i think about often, usually when i'm driving, so by the time i get to a computer to write you the moment has passed and i could never recreate the thoughts i had, so i'll do my best. what i think about a lot is how living life after your death is on my mind. it is no joke that my mind is one continuous highlight reel of you. memories, memories and more memories. it is going constantly and that is no joke. it never stops, so if i let it i can get sucked in, but it usually doesn't last too long before i am so overcome with emotion and must stop thinking about you. people always suggest keeping busy, working, being around people, but what i have found is that those are band aids, they cover up the problem for the time being (if i'm lucky even) and when i finally relax the emotions come rushing back twice as intense. it's like a dam. friends, work, keeping busy - that is the dam....for a moment i can focus on something else, but really don't be fooled because although my mind is occupied with something else you are always there beating down the walls. you won't be denied, you won't be ignored. so while i try to think of anything but you, you are pounding at my brain, "let me in, think about me, remember this time, remember when we did that" on and on you are intense, you are non-stop. so while i try to shut you out and do other things you are still there demanding all my attention. sure, i block you for bits at a time, but little bits and pieces of you always make it through.... always. when i get some down time after being around people or after working, you are there. the dam breaks and all those memories and thoughts of you i kept out, well, i really didn't keep them out because they're all right there waiting. i didn't acknowledge you then, but dammit i will now. so here they all come, twice as many, twice as hard. essentially it's hard to be around people because i know what the end result will be. twice as much pain after i leave them. when people think it's good for me to be around others, i really just prefer being by myself. i think that doing that other stuff is the equivalent of using drugs or alcohol, either way i'm pushing you to the back and not addressing the pain. so i think i am doing the right thing for me by staying home alone and dealing with all the pain and emotions of you being gone. i still have so far to go honey, sometimes i think i'm doing okay, but that is a joke. i can't even bring up your name with certain stories or think about certain memories without tearing up right away. in fact, if i really focus and really tell myself that you are gone FOREVER, i will never see you again as long as i live, it can't handle it, i really can't. the emotions and reality that come with that are so intense i honest to god feel like ending my life right then and there. it really is too much for my brain to comprehend. i suppose deep down i still think i will see you again. i don't know how, but i still imagine that someday i will be taking a shower and you will walk in the bathroom or i will be at work in the office and you will walk in the door or i will be sitting on the couch watching tv and you will walk through the door way or i will be running on my treadmill and you will come into the room. i imagine how i will feel when i see you again and that is guaranteed to make me tear up. i sometimes make myself stop, but i sometimes let myself go through with how i would react. i just know that i would be the happiest person (without a doubt) in the whole wide world. i think if you really did come back, i would not let you go, not ever. i may stop hugging you, but i could never let you out of my site again. so i suppose as long as i hold on to that hope or dream or whatever it is i will probably never really get over you and be able to move on, but like i said, i promise you the pain associated with the reality of you being gone is so overwhelming it really does make me want to die. i'm not sure if that will ever go away, i do know if that's the pain that's associated with getting over you, i want no part of it. i'd rather live in this fantasy world that we will be together again someday. anyway i believe i got on this subject by talking about you, my living highlight reel that never stops playing. sometimes i think i am doomed (for lack of better word) to a life of being alone, which is fine. if i can't have you i want nothing. it's like the all or nothins saying. remember when i told you i'm the type of person who wants the best and i won't settle for less and how patient i was in order to get the best. well, if waiting 30 some years of my life for you doesn't prove that true i don't know what does. anyhow, i will not settle, i want the best, i want it all and i will get it. to me you are that, so even if i have lost you in this life, i must persist and have faith that you are waiting for me in heaven. i shall not ruin it for us, i will constantly pray and ask for gods strength to make it through the difficult times when i feel lonely or think i need someone in my life. my reward of you is the best incentive i could have for remaining single and celibate for the rest of my life. in fact, i feel so strongly in that belief that it's often crossed my mind to commit myself to the catholic church. i have looked into the covenant near st. martins in olympia and i will ask father gerard many questions about it when i see him - hopefully this sunday. if i don't do that i have been seriously thinking about going back to college and studying religious studies. i have something calling me, something deeper, something within that keeps drawing me towards studying more about my faith. i also feel such a strong need and desire to do it because i feel like i cannot leave anything to chance. i NEED to go to heaven and be reunited with you, i can't mess this up. i need to do everything within my power to make it to heaven. i will do whatever it takes, whatever path god chooses for me, wherever he may take me i will go. and finally my last thought that i have been having lately has to do with love. this may be a little harder to put these thoughts to paper. i was thinking about our love and what made it so special. what put us above anyone else who falls in love and gets married because i know that our love was so much more deeper than your typical everyday "love". soul mates. i got the idea from What Dreams May Come, yes, the movie you insisted i watch. isn't funny to look back now at how insistent you were that i watch that movie and look what happens. so i remember you insisted we watch it together, so i decided to buy the book (not realizing you owned the movie and it sits with all your other movies in my living room), so i buy the book and read it and it is incredible. chris (i believe his name was) will not give up on returning to earth to see his wife, he can't let her go because he loves her so much. in the book most people are so happy to be in heaven and know it won't be long until their loved ones join them, they are content to wait. not chris, he worries about his wife so much and loves her so much he can't be happy...even in heaven. after going back and forth with his ''guide", his guide finally gets it - "soul mates" he says. that's why chris couldn't move on. rare, he says, very few people have it, but it is a bond that is forged between two souls and they are attached forever. i have absolutely no doubt in my mind that we are soul mates, none whatsoever. no one will ever convince me differently. you and i know the bond we had and the circumstances that brought us together. things like that aren't just coincidence, it was gods will to bring us together. so after reading the soul mates i really started thinking about us. what separates us from everyone else? what separates "soul mates" from the others and this is what i believe: i believe that we all are attracted to another, but with that comes many different levels of attraction or even love. i think there is a respect love, a physical looks love, a sexual love, a infatuation love, a savior love, opposites attract love, a lustful love, on and on. many people fall into these loves, all of them, some of them or one's i have not listed, for i'm sure there are many levels of love. but i think none of these loves last and they are all very dynamic - subject to change. there is only one love that lasts a lifetime and that is spiritual love, that is the love that god has bound two people with, that is the love that brings two souls together and joins them as one. only god can guide this kind of love and make it happen. i believe that god is guiding us all to our "soul mate", he wants us all to experience this love which i also happen to believe is equivalent to the same love we will feel in heaven. so as god guides us to our "soul mate" we must listen to our hearts, that is god talking to us, god is love and god is in our hearts. when we get fooled by these other loves and fall into their trap we are using our free will to make that choice, but guaranteed deep down in all those hearts are people with just a slim shadow of a doubt. but most people are impatient and believe true love will never come their way so they think he/she is perfect except for just this one little thing and maybe i can change that, or they are perfect in every way, they just have this fault, but i can deal with that - the good outweighs the bad. what they don't know is, that is not their soul mate, they are being taken off course. if they would only listen to god and not be afraid. that person is not the one, if you keep believing in god, he will take you on the right course to find your soul mate. i think a good measure of that is do you want to change your partner because if you do that is not your soul mate. even if it is one little thing. a "soul mate" loves unconditionally every little thing about the other person. i had no desire to change a single thing with you honey because i was in love with every little thing you did. things that were different from me, i appreciated. things that you did that were unique comprised your being and made me love you even more. i loved everything about you, there was no way i wanted to change a thing about you because if i did, i wouldn't have been in love with you. i would've been in love with you being the person i thought you should be. that's what people don't understand when they think, he/she is great except for ..... that's not how it works! when you start wanting to change a person you are making them into something you think you should be in love with, but we never know what we should be in love with. it doesn't work. hell, i always thought i knew what i was looking for until you came along. if someone would've explained all you and your personality to me i would've passed because i had some image in my mind of something else. that is why when we are with someone and we think they should change we are not really in love. i can look at you now and you showed to me everything i wanted in a man....and most of it i didn't even know i wanted! you truly opened my eyes, but that is love. and that is "soul mate" love - not changing the one your with, but loving each and every thing about that person. i can think of many times when i almost fell out of gods plan. i would love the person, but deep down i just knew there wasn't something quite right. i could never put a finger on it because every person had the greatest qualities you could want in a person, but there was always something missing. i started doubting if i could ever really truly love and i began to wonder what was wrong with me, but when i just let it go and told god, ya know what, i accept this fate, if you want me to be single for the rest of my life i will, but i will tell you this, i will never settle, if it doesn't feel right in my heart and with you i will not settle just to be rid of my loneliness. i will bare your cross of loneliness for a lifetime before i settle. once i accepted what i thought was gods will, you came into my life. when you came into my life, i knew, there was something so deep about our love. i knew the moment we met. i felt like i had known you forever. i truly felt like we had known each other for so long and we just had so much to catch up on. we could not get enough of each other. we had to be together all the time, there was something about you that i immediately knew. this is what i think is "soul mates", i think that our souls were meant to be together, they were always connected, we just had to follow god (a.k.a. our hearts) and he would join them together. so i believe everyone has this soul mate and god is always trying to lead us to them, but with free will people get confused, desperate, lonely and scared and take the first decent person that comes their way. sure they might be in love on some level, but it is not the level that sustains through a lifetime. its not the love that keeps you together and holding hands at age 89. *that was supposed to be you and me baby* so i have tossed that around in my head for quite awhile since reading What Dreams May Come - and by the way, thank you for sharing that movie with me. i can look back now and see that god wanted us to see that together for a reason. because of you i read the book and realized you and i are soul mates. i had thought we were before, but this left no doubt in my mind. that is the explanation i have for my most sincere and everlasting love for you. that is why people don't understand the depth of my pain or my loyalty to you forever. people can't understand what they don't know or haven't experienced. it's rare for people to have what we had, so it's no surprise that people can't understand or relate to why i insist on loving you and only you forever. it's not a choice, it's how it is, plain and simple. my soul is joined with yours and with it follows my heart. it's just that it is not possible for me to ever love again, not when i gave my heart to you. to keep. forever. and honey, i don't think it's sad at all that i will never love another as i loved you as long as i'm on this earth, rather i think i am the lucky one and my sadness goes out to all the others who will never know what it is to love and be loved as "soul mates" love. yes, we will be together again and i so look forward to that time. in the meantime i will love you and only you as you were still here. i will celebrate our anniversaries, your birthday, our wedding date, all our special days. i will celebrate them and i know somehow, somewhere you are with me. and yes, honey, i do miss you so much, the pain if i let it or think about it too deeply is unbearable. it's a selfish pain because i want you here sharing my life - our life. it is not even close to being the same without you. i go on, but there is now an emptiness inside of me that's indescribable. i don't know if i'll ever be the same. i take that back, i know i will never be the same. life is different now and so am i. you know that. it feels like i am less of this world now and more of yours. i have little interest in this world and all the interest on where you are and what i need to do to get there. i see now life is filled with such trivial little things that are so meaningless, it's hard to relate to people now. most people function on such a trivial level and now i feel disattached to this world and the people in it. i just feel alone, i feel no one can possibly understand me or us. it's alright though, for i have no clue if i will be here another day or 60 more years. i am accepting of this plan that god has laid out before me and i will exist here day to day. and day to day i will strive to become closer to you, i will try to let go of this hurt and pain that surrounds your absensce. i will strive to realize we are still together and you are still here, just on a different level. eventually i will come to grips with that, in the meantime please have patience with me, being without you is something i never imagined and it's a empty, empty world without you. you've left a huge void in me that nothing can fill, so please, please don't give up on me, i may hurt, cry, be sad, angry or depressed, but i will never, ever give up on us. that's a promise. we will be together again - please send me faith, i'll need it! i love you honey with all my heart and i will never as long as i live forget you or ever stop loving you. you were/are my "soul mate" and i love YOU and only YOU! your baby girl forever and ever - all eternity. xoxoxo
oh and another thing i just remembered before i send this off - in love the other person always makes you want to be the best person you can be. you brought out the best in me as i brought out the best in you. it's not something you can control either. i never thought, well, today i am going to be a lazy bum because i don't feel like bringing my best to the table or today i don't feel like being giving, happy or affectionate towards you because i'm just not in the mood. there was never a choice in the matter. i always wanted to be the best for you. you truly brought out the best in me and it carried over into my relationships with my co-workers, my friends and family. you affected my whole outlook on life. i had always heard the saying about bringing out the best in people, but i never truly knew how that could be or what it meant. i have a feeling not to many others really know the true meaning either, for i believe that is another aspect of spiritual love and being a 'soulmate'. imagine being in the same room as jesus, would you not want to be the best that you could be, he is such a powerful person/image how could you not want to be your best around him. it was like that with you. you were such a beautiful person, it made me want to be just as beautiful. we fed off each other, both of us strived to be what we believed the other deserved. you deserved the best (in my mind) and i deserved the best (in your mind). we treated each other like royalty and i will never forget how respectful, loving, caring and loyal you were to me. i will always value the way you treated me and i will always remember the way you made me feel and how you showed me the real meaning of love and bringing out the best in a person. thanks for everything you blessed me with, i will ALWAYS love you and i will ALWAYS be waiting for the day when we will be reunited again. and this time i'm signing off for real. i love you honey and instead of grieving over an anniversary of your 11 month death i feel like i'm celebrating 11 months of your love that still resides within me. i love you honey FOREVER!! your babygirl. xoxoxox