Happy Birthday Honey

Happy birthday to the man of my dreams. I miss you horribly today, I just wish we could've died together. I still feel so lost. I am all by myself, yet I don't feel alone. I just feel lost, dazed and numb. Sure I miss you and that is lonely, but as a whole, I just hang out and do little things all day, I don't really get lonely. I don't want attention or people around me. I don't think that's probably normal, but I really don't even care. I miss everything we had sooo much. Every memory of us is of good times. I have yet to be able to sit down and really reflect back on us and what we shared. When I do think about moments it's way too painful, so I just stop. I just want to be gone from this earth and free from this alien world I now live in. I guess what I want most is to just see you again. That's it, I want a big hug from you, I want a kiss from you, I want to hear you say I love you. My desire to be with you is so much stronger than staying here on earth. What does one do about that? What am I supposed to do? I go through the motions everyday. I don't even want to get over you, I want this pain to last forever. I'm afraid if I "get over you" that means I will stop loving you. I guess I equate the pain I feel to the love I have for you, so to stop feeling pain will mean I love you less...I know that's not true and even when/if this pain does subside I will still love you. Forever. I know that, but it's still scary to wish this to end. I want God to give me pain 'til I die. I want you in my heart as long as I live. You and no one else. So it's your birthday and I remember last year, you sitting on my couch and me having all your presents here in this very room on the bed. I bought you so many clothes. Then I got you that comforter for your bed in the camper. I got you the white board and goodies for your ACN business. Some shoes. An mp3 player. Damn, I know I got you so much more, but that's what I can remember now. So the comforter sits right next to my bed, in the exact same spot since I unpacked it from your house. Your white board is still in its wrapping here in this same room. The clothes I got you are hanging here in the closet of this room. Your other clothes are folded up in your laundry basket, the exact place where they were when you died. I've kept everything in the same place since you've died. I don't think anything has moved. I can't stand to look at your stuff, let alone move it. I hate this honey, I hate it so much. Why? Why did you have to leave us, we loved you so much. We needed you. I needed you in my life. I'm so lost without you. What do I do now? I would have given anything to spend this birthday with you. Ya' know I remember last year when you turned thirty nine, I said, wait til next year, you'll be 40 and I'll really have to make fun of you then! Well, today you are 40 and I'm officially making fun of you. Haha, you are old. Gawd, I love you so much! I always want to write something to you so touching and loving, but I feel like I fail every time. My heart and mind always seem to be closed off or off in la-la land. I feel like a zombie going through some motions trying to find the words to talk to you. My heart used to do the talking and sometimes my heart comes back and I can really write you some nice letters, but lately I don't know where my heart is. Either you're running around with it in Heaven bragging about how big it is and how full of love it is just for you OR it's dead and shriveled up, gone since the day you left. So I apologize soooo much for being so dumb in these letters, I don't know what to say to you that I haven't said a million times before. I can type I love you and I miss you a million times and it still wouldn't even express how much I really do love you and miss you. As I've said before it's indescribable - words can't express how much I miss you or love you. I hope you can feel me, you will know then how hurt and numb I am. I just wish I could push a fast forward button and be 98 years old and ready to die. I would have lived a lifetime and I'd be so close to being with you again. I'm usually so patient with everything and I can attest that this is the one thing I have no patience with. I can't wait to see you, why can't God just take me NOW! I just know I will live forever, he's gonna make me suffer a lifetime. I just know it! This morning I woke up to your voice. You know I play music all night and I was playing my top 2000 and in that is 3 messages I have recorded from you. So I wake up slowly cuz I hear your voice and right away I think oh my god he's leaving me a message on my answering machine, but how can that be, oh my gosh, he's alive, where is he and I get this huge pit in my stomach, unlike any I've ever had since you died. Usually I get "i miss you, hurts so bad pits in my stomach" but this one was different, i can't even come close to explaining it, i've never felt that feeling before ever in my life, so anyway i wake up with that pit in my stomach and it's your voice and then i realize it's just the recording playing on my computer. and then my day starts like every day starts - with dread. another day and i'm alive, another day and the first thought in my head is i'm alone in this bed and ------'s not here. everyday you are the first thought in my head and everyday i start my day sad because everyday is a new realization that you aren't here and you are gone forever. and i don't know when i'll ever see you again. i think sometimes i just have a feeling i will be leaving soon and it won't be long til i see you and i'm okay with that, but every now and then i get this awful, awful feeling that i will live on forever without you. cuz seriously think about it, if i live like the rest of my grandparents and greatgrandparents i will live to be 100 just like ALL of them. honey, that is 65 more years without you. i cry just typing it. that is too long honey, I can't do it. i can't take 65 more years without you. i swear to you, my only hope is that i'm going to die soon, that is what i wish and pray for all the time. that is what makes you being gone okay - that i will die soon. but when i think of spending that long without you, it is NOT okay at all that you are gone...cuz that's forever and that's when the pain becomes unbearable and i want to die right then and there. at least if i have this belief that i am going soon - even if it's within the next 3-5 years i can cope with that. cuz that's just like you're in the service or something and you are overseas and yeah, you'd be gone awhile but i'd be seeing you soon eventually. 65 years is not eventually, it's a fucking lifetime. living 100 years and only having 3 with you is not alright with me, it's not fair and it's not how i want it to be at all. that's not even 10% of my lifetime...ugh, i can't talk about this anymore, i pray to God i don't have to live a lifetime without you. please honey, please, please, please, i beg you to please always love me and please be the first person i see when i get to heaven and please always be in my heart and mind, please send me signs all the time, please don't let me forget you in order to avoid the pain, please, please make me feel you all the time. and the most important thing, please, please, please don't stop loving me, please, i beg you i'd die if you stopped loving me. it would be hell if i went to heaven and you weren't there or i never saw you again in heaven or you didn't love me anymore or you forgot about me, i would want to die again in heaven...i know, not possible (haha), but i would be absolutely devastated if you ever forgot about me or ever stopped loving me. please honey i pray so hard you don't. well, i guess i'll go now. 10 more minutes and your birthday is officially over and i made it through your day. i really do hope and pray you had a wonderful birthday. i just don't know how you can't be sad in heaven? don't you miss your mom? ----? ---- & ----? your dad? me? doesn't it make you sad that you couldn't be with all of us today? i'm dumb maybe you were with us all today in your own way - what do i know. okay, well i guess i'll go now, back to this life we call reality. life without my one and only. life without my soul mate. life without my everything. back to this numb, gray world. i miss you honey-SOOO much and i love you so much too! you are in my heart forever. yours for all eternity, your baby girl. sending you the biggest hug in the world and all my kisses.