Another morning to waking up with you being the first thought in my head. It's ALWAYS "------'s not here", I swear to you that is my first thought EVERY morning since you have died. I have my little angel bear with your picture badge/name tag clipped to the ribbon around his neck and I never let him go the whole night. Isn't that funny, I'll fall asleep with my ----- angel (that's what Mr.Cheeks calls him) wrapped in my arms and I will wake up with your angel right there. Sometimes in the night if I remember moving, I always remember making sure that your angel bear is in my arms. I always fall asleep with one hand holding your wings so you don't fly away. I imagine it will be a long time (if ever) that a different thought comes into my head upon waking. But right away I sense that you aren't in bed with me and it's an empty feeling. So lucky me, I start off the day with not some happy, bright, cheerful, loving feeling but rather a lonely, hollow, numb and empty feeling. Gosh, lucky me, it's an uphill battle from the moment I open my eyes. Sure, I want to stay in bed all day, but I suppose I'm lucky I've never been much for laying around and I'm too 'go,go,go' to be like that, otherwise I swear if my body caved in to my mind and heart, I would be curled up in a ball trying to sleep away the day. Anything to take me out of this reality that is a world without you. You would think that I'd be okay sleeping alone, hell, I used to all the time, that was just how it was and I never thought twice about it. It was never a big deal, but now your, correction....our bed is so big and there's just that whole other side that is empty. It's not warm anymore when I crawl in. You always were in bed first and the bed was always warm when I crawled in. And I was always cold...haha. One of the best feelings in the world was crawling in and cuddling up to my "heater", you took care of a lot of cold feet many nights. :) I bet you didn't think feet could get that cold...haha. And you'd always wrap your arms around me and I could cuddle right in and just fit next to your body so perfect. I miss that honey. A lot. Now I crawl into a cold, empty bed. Those are the two things I notice the most. Then I just lay there, can't sleep, thinking of you and everything about you. The only reason I fall asleep is because I stay up 'til all hours of the night writing to you, working on your page, reading books that pertain to you or death, make music that reminds me of you or trying to numb my mind with dumb, boring tv. There's just something about going to bed I don't like anymore. Anyway, back to the point of how I can even sleep, I think it's because I refuse to sleep 'til noon or even ten, basically I'm not going to sleep away the day, so I always wake up between 730-0830. Couple that with running on a treadmill and/or shoveling snow and the few hrs of sleep I've gotten the night before, I tire my body out. Every night I am soo ready to go to sleep, at least my body is telling me so and my mind convinces me I better go, otherwise I could probably just stay up all night doing things that pertain to you. So I'm on this really messed up sleep schedule of going to bed at 2 or 3 am and waking up when I stated before. What's wrong with me, I never used to be like that. It's just that I can't stop thinking about you and I want to stay awake and keep doing all this stuff for you...all these letters, making your page pretty, etc. etc. Sometimes I wonder if it's just the dread of crawling in a cold bed and then waking up yet another day thinking of you. Another day also takes me further away from the memories. It's common knowledge that memories fade as time goes on and while memories about us are always popping in my head - they're relentless - some of the old ones seem to be so far away. I guess it depends, they either feel like it happened yesterday or that same memory the next day can seem like it was forever ago. The thing is I don't want them to feel like forever ago, I want all our memories to always feel like they were yesterday. I want them to stay vivid. I'm so afraid of losing them....maybe that's why I don't ever want to go to bed. What I do know and the reason behind it is a mystery, I never want the next day to come. I just don't, I dread time passing. That is what it all boils down to! I don't want to be creeping another day closer to going back to work, I'm still so upset about how insensitive most people were I worked with....gotta give props to the C-town boyz tho, they were the only ones who cared and talked to me about you, but going back into work - ugh - I still feel like it's all so demanding. I think back to the energy it took to make it through those days last year and it drained me. Hell, making it through these days where I sit at this computer all day or on the couch - back n forth - they take energy. That's something people don't understand, it takes a lot of energy to #1 just get out of bed and #2 to do anything after that (I just thought about us in Wenatchee for some reason - it was almost this time of year - March Madness. see how u just pop into my head.). Ugh, I just dread the energy it's going to take getting up on time for something, smiling all day and pretending yet again for another summer that whoop tee doo, life is grand....f*** (gotta quit cussin during lent!!). It's not a lazy thing either, I always have energy to run and every so often I lift wts., but just enough to stay tone, not get buff. I have the energy to always do physical stuff, it's a different kind of energy. Anyway, talking about dreading the passing of each day...for whatever reason it is, time passing is my enemy. Maybe all those reasons rolled into one make me wish time would stand still. Either way it's yet another morning and all I can do is think of you and you're not here. I think you took me all with you hon....I'm so empty and hollow without you. I still want so bad to just be done with this life, but for Lent one of the focuses was to read more scripture and "God books" for lack of better word (haha) and to be positive and focus on wanting to live/trying to live and only having happy thoughts about us, not pent up anger and unrelenting sadness. Oh, it's still there, I'm just not going to be as expressive about it as I had been. I'm trying to grow (I guess), I don't know how or where. Well, in a way I do, I really want to know as much as I can about my faith, like I've said earlier I want to leave nothing to chance, that we will be reunited, that's the one thing I can't mess up while I'm still on this earth. That's the one thing I've got to get right, so I'm educating my mind and trying to be an "on point" with my Catholicism. Really that is my only driving force and that is the honest to God's truth. Leaving nothing to chance, I have to see you again. I've lost you once, I can't risk losing you forever!! With that being said, I'm so content just staying home, reading, then praying on it, then reading some more. I have no interest in the real world, the only world I want is the one you are in. Maybe I can look at this time to catch up to where you were, you've left me maybe for that reason and it's my duty to "morph" into the perfect, loving person that you were/are. When I get there maybe God will take me. I don't know, just rambling now. I better go light a candle for you. As always I love you, I love you, I love you and I can't say it enough, you're the best thing that ever happened to me.....someday, someday, we will be together again. I love you honey - so, so much. Yours 'til the end of time, baby girl.
Feb 28, 2007
Another Morning
Another morning to waking up with you being the first thought in my head. It's ALWAYS "------'s not here", I swear to you that is my first thought EVERY morning since you have died. I have my little angel bear with your picture badge/name tag clipped to the ribbon around his neck and I never let him go the whole night. Isn't that funny, I'll fall asleep with my ----- angel (that's what Mr.Cheeks calls him) wrapped in my arms and I will wake up with your angel right there. Sometimes in the night if I remember moving, I always remember making sure that your angel bear is in my arms. I always fall asleep with one hand holding your wings so you don't fly away. I imagine it will be a long time (if ever) that a different thought comes into my head upon waking. But right away I sense that you aren't in bed with me and it's an empty feeling. So lucky me, I start off the day with not some happy, bright, cheerful, loving feeling but rather a lonely, hollow, numb and empty feeling. Gosh, lucky me, it's an uphill battle from the moment I open my eyes. Sure, I want to stay in bed all day, but I suppose I'm lucky I've never been much for laying around and I'm too 'go,go,go' to be like that, otherwise I swear if my body caved in to my mind and heart, I would be curled up in a ball trying to sleep away the day. Anything to take me out of this reality that is a world without you. You would think that I'd be okay sleeping alone, hell, I used to all the time, that was just how it was and I never thought twice about it. It was never a big deal, but now your, correction....our bed is so big and there's just that whole other side that is empty. It's not warm anymore when I crawl in. You always were in bed first and the bed was always warm when I crawled in. And I was always cold...haha. One of the best feelings in the world was crawling in and cuddling up to my "heater", you took care of a lot of cold feet many nights. :) I bet you didn't think feet could get that cold...haha. And you'd always wrap your arms around me and I could cuddle right in and just fit next to your body so perfect. I miss that honey. A lot. Now I crawl into a cold, empty bed. Those are the two things I notice the most. Then I just lay there, can't sleep, thinking of you and everything about you. The only reason I fall asleep is because I stay up 'til all hours of the night writing to you, working on your page, reading books that pertain to you or death, make music that reminds me of you or trying to numb my mind with dumb, boring tv. There's just something about going to bed I don't like anymore. Anyway, back to the point of how I can even sleep, I think it's because I refuse to sleep 'til noon or even ten, basically I'm not going to sleep away the day, so I always wake up between 730-0830. Couple that with running on a treadmill and/or shoveling snow and the few hrs of sleep I've gotten the night before, I tire my body out. Every night I am soo ready to go to sleep, at least my body is telling me so and my mind convinces me I better go, otherwise I could probably just stay up all night doing things that pertain to you. So I'm on this really messed up sleep schedule of going to bed at 2 or 3 am and waking up when I stated before. What's wrong with me, I never used to be like that. It's just that I can't stop thinking about you and I want to stay awake and keep doing all this stuff for you...all these letters, making your page pretty, etc. etc. Sometimes I wonder if it's just the dread of crawling in a cold bed and then waking up yet another day thinking of you. Another day also takes me further away from the memories. It's common knowledge that memories fade as time goes on and while memories about us are always popping in my head - they're relentless - some of the old ones seem to be so far away. I guess it depends, they either feel like it happened yesterday or that same memory the next day can seem like it was forever ago. The thing is I don't want them to feel like forever ago, I want all our memories to always feel like they were yesterday. I want them to stay vivid. I'm so afraid of losing them....maybe that's why I don't ever want to go to bed. What I do know and the reason behind it is a mystery, I never want the next day to come. I just don't, I dread time passing. That is what it all boils down to! I don't want to be creeping another day closer to going back to work, I'm still so upset about how insensitive most people were I worked with....gotta give props to the C-town boyz tho, they were the only ones who cared and talked to me about you, but going back into work - ugh - I still feel like it's all so demanding. I think back to the energy it took to make it through those days last year and it drained me. Hell, making it through these days where I sit at this computer all day or on the couch - back n forth - they take energy. That's something people don't understand, it takes a lot of energy to #1 just get out of bed and #2 to do anything after that (I just thought about us in Wenatchee for some reason - it was almost this time of year - March Madness. see how u just pop into my head.). Ugh, I just dread the energy it's going to take getting up on time for something, smiling all day and pretending yet again for another summer that whoop tee doo, life is grand....f*** (gotta quit cussin during lent!!). It's not a lazy thing either, I always have energy to run and every so often I lift wts., but just enough to stay tone, not get buff. I have the energy to always do physical stuff, it's a different kind of energy. Anyway, talking about dreading the passing of each day...for whatever reason it is, time passing is my enemy. Maybe all those reasons rolled into one make me wish time would stand still. Either way it's yet another morning and all I can do is think of you and you're not here. I think you took me all with you hon....I'm so empty and hollow without you. I still want so bad to just be done with this life, but for Lent one of the focuses was to read more scripture and "God books" for lack of better word (haha) and to be positive and focus on wanting to live/trying to live and only having happy thoughts about us, not pent up anger and unrelenting sadness. Oh, it's still there, I'm just not going to be as expressive about it as I had been. I'm trying to grow (I guess), I don't know how or where. Well, in a way I do, I really want to know as much as I can about my faith, like I've said earlier I want to leave nothing to chance, that we will be reunited, that's the one thing I can't mess up while I'm still on this earth. That's the one thing I've got to get right, so I'm educating my mind and trying to be an "on point" with my Catholicism. Really that is my only driving force and that is the honest to God's truth. Leaving nothing to chance, I have to see you again. I've lost you once, I can't risk losing you forever!! With that being said, I'm so content just staying home, reading, then praying on it, then reading some more. I have no interest in the real world, the only world I want is the one you are in. Maybe I can look at this time to catch up to where you were, you've left me maybe for that reason and it's my duty to "morph" into the perfect, loving person that you were/are. When I get there maybe God will take me. I don't know, just rambling now. I better go light a candle for you. As always I love you, I love you, I love you and I can't say it enough, you're the best thing that ever happened to me.....someday, someday, we will be together again. I love you honey - so, so much. Yours 'til the end of time, baby girl.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment