Letter To You Quickly Turning Into A Letter To God

I hate so much right now. I am a big ball of hate. I look at your picture and I feel hate....I can't look. I don't even think about why I hate when I look at our pictures. I just know I feel hate and I immediately make myself think of something else. I want to take a baseball bat and smash the shit out of everything. I want to die so bad. I'll tell you tomorrow when I'm not as short fused about ski-diving....I'm gonna go. I'll tell you why tomorrow. Just wanted you to know I'm a very bitter, angry, ugly, sad, hateful person right now. Not to you cuz I love you, but I think because what happened to you and everything I lost becuz of it all. I lost absolutely everything. I lost me, I lost my heart, I lost the one person I waited my whole life for, I lost the one person I trusted, I lost the one person who I could count on. I lost "the one" I lost the man who was supposed to be my husband for THE REST OF MY LIFE and I didn't even get to be your wife for ONE SECOND!!!! I lost my everything. I lost my will to live. I lost my will and ability to love again. I lost my smile. I lost my happiness. I lost my family. I lost the rest of my life. I lost all my emotions. I'm nothing but an empty, emotionless void now. I AM LOST. I have NOTHING!!! I am all alone with nothing. I have to live like this for the rest of my life while you are as happy as can fuckin be up in Heaven. So while you're in bliss, I am in a living hell where seconds seem like minutes and minutes seem like days, but only they don't because for everyone in this whole wide world it's almost been 11 months since you've died and for me it feels like yesterday. Ain't shit better. Nothing changes in a year, it might even be worse, because now I am not numb anymore. I liked that a whole lot better. Feeling this pain eat away at my insides 24-7 sucks. It sucks, but I want it so bad. I want God do give me all the pain he can. I want everyone to die around me, I want to lose it all. I don't care. Take my house God, take my car, take my job, take my friends, take my family. Take fuckin everything. You've already taken everything that's ever meant anything to me. I hope you are having fun with basketball and Kenny up there. I'll be sure to fall in love with something else so you can take that from me too. Do that, will you? Let me fall in love with something else, so you can rip that out of my life too. What's next? Huh? I don't care, you can't break me. I may get pissed and I may not care, but I'll keep getting up everyday and moving forward....I don't even know why? I don't know anything anymore. I know absolutely nothing except that NOTHING is certain and it could all be gone tomorrow. That's what the fuck I know. I know you fucking set me up to fall in love deeper than I'll ever fall in love again knowing full well you were going to take him the whole time. You knew the whole time you were going to take him and you just let me fall so deep in love. You did this to me. You knew the whole time. So you wonder why I am so full of hate. That's fine, this is your will. Your will is for me to never fall in love again. To never be close to anyone again. That's fine....I have ----- waiting for me. Or are you going to ruin that too? Am I gonna wait my whole life for him and then when I get to Heaven he won't even know me or it's so big you'll have him in one place and me in another and we'll never see each other again. Yeah, I bet. Fine, throw all the shit you can at me, I don't care. Who cares? Why should I care anymore. ANYTHING I care about you take. Fuck it, fuck it all.