Green Valley

hey hon, i'm in green valley now...so the last time i was here was on a fire....well besides driving through with --- and grandma ----. i remember missing you sooooo much and a.g. was on this fire....he's a brad pitt look a like and i thought to myself, 'this is a test i passed' cuz we coulda hookt up if we wanted to, we talked a lot and worked together a lot cuz he was my trainee, i thought he was hot, but i talked about you a lot cuz i wanted to make sure he knew i loved u soo much. so there i was with a brad pitt look a like and all i could think about was you and all i wanted was you and you were all that mattered...even though ag was cute, i couldn't wait to talk to you every night and get home to see you....that right there...i knew, that's some love right there!! also remember when you went out and drank too much and never called me back and i was soooo worried cuz i thought you wrecked your helicopter and were dead...and i got so upset (not mad) just upset cuz i was so scared. it wasn't really a fight, but i guess you could classify that as our first/one n only fight cuz i was crying i was so scared something happened to you and you drank too much so that made it worse. that's the only time u ever drank too much and remember i texted you and said if that's the type of person you want to be i don't want any part of it. you said back - "if u ever left me, i would die". wtf. how ironic. never in a million years would i leave you. i was just upset and scared. i didn't want to marry an alcoholic - not that you were even close, but i just didn't want to be involved with a drinker - nawmeen. anyway here u are talking about you dying if i ever left and here you've left me and i feel like i am dying. so here i am, the same spot that we had our first misunderstanding (which was nothing - and we worked it out quickly) i would give anything to rewind to that day - to that time.... we could be together again. i just miss you so much and i would give it all to see or be with you again. all the time we spent together, what does it mean? nothing. it's like 3 years of my life was a dream, like it never happened, it was all for nothing....really, 3 years and what came from it? nothing. it's like it never happened, it for realz feels like a dream sometime. i will never talk to you on a phone again, i will never see your face again, i will never get to sleep next to you again, i will never be able to cuddle with you again, we will never laugh again, we will never hug each other good bye again or hug each other hello again, we will never gaze into each others eyes again. there are so many nevers. and so many things we did that don't carry anything over now except painful memories. for realz, it's like 3 wasted years that i spent giving all of me, all of my love and i gave all of me away and for what. look at me, what is there to show for it? seriously. there is nothing!!! nothing left but an empty shell. that's what's left of me. that's all i have to show for what we shared. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate it all i hate it all i hate it all i hate it all....hate hate hate hate hate hate hate whats been done to me hate hate hate so i'm gotta send this before i get kicked off my internet connection....this sucks!! hey, i do love you more than anything and i miss you more than anything ever....love you more than my own life...i'd give it up for you. love you forever - no doubt!! xoxox