Missing You So Much

i've just been thinking about you a lot lately honey. coming home from my trip/vacation was weird cuz at least when i was on the road and in a different area i didn't expect to see you...i wanted to, but i knew i wouldn't see you down there (just like i was thinking like u were alive), but as soon as i started getting closer to home (within a 100 mile radius), i started looking in cars/pickups like yours and thinking that i'd be coming home to you and i'd be able to see you. it was a weird feeling. instead i walked into a cold empty house with spider webs in it. i've just been missing you a lot. i really have no zest for life without you. i just went on this big ol trip and i have no one to share it with. i wanted you with me the whole time so we could share in the laughter and beauty of it all. now i'm back - all alone - quiet - a world without you is a lonely one. i start work Monday and i am soooooooooooooooooo dreading it. i'm done with this kind of work honey, i can't fathom another summer being around helicopters and in an environment that i met you. i'm gonna have to really try hard but this is honestly the worst feeling i've ever had about going to a job. i really am dreading this. i hate helicopters so much now (well not now - i've always hated them) but it seems worse than ever. i feel like i'm going to puke or cry when i see or hear them. i certainly don't want to work around them. fockers at work don't understand either. they only want to use me to meet their objectives - they have no concern how any of it effects me. in order to not let them down i will leave at the end of this year and do something else. right now i don't care what it is. i think about becoming a nun (i need to write father g and see what that entails), i think about just renting some cheap ass dive anywhere and getting a minimum wage job and chillin for the rest of my life, i think about hopefully getting a coaching job with dee, i think about maybe the fuels job with lisa in ---- will fall through. what is certain is that i won't be back here. i can't handle it. yeah, i'm a whoos - oh well - let it bother everyone else...it doesn't me...i don't give a ____. not anymore, i think life sucks and i just want to read and chill. i don't even want to work. i don't care about my future. i don't care about money. i don't care about happiness (cuz it's unobtainable now - i will only achieve 100% pure happiness in heaven). in the meantime i will pray for time to drag on soooo slow before my misery begins on monday. right now i just want to split. take any job in the whole wide world. right now i would rather work at mcdonalds then here...that is no joke. i am not looking forward to this year.

while i was down in boise ---- saw a picture of rob, the guy i sky dived with. she asked ----- if he was single, he said yeah, and she said, why don't you hook him up with renee, i said no way, i don't ever want to be with anyone ever again - i told her you were "the one". she says, "oh you say that now, but in the future .... " in the future what? i'll want someone else? whatever. people really don't understand how much i love you and how connected we really are. i feel you - not always, but i know you are there with me. you are helping me and you are guiding me to do ..... whatever ...... until the day we are together again. i have a feeling you know my plan and you are watching down on me. i want only you forever and i'm cool with that, i just wish other people could accept that. also the other day ------ called and asked if i would go to the helitorch/psd recert class...hah....wtf....do people not get it. see, that's what i mean, they think i should just be all skippy flippy to work with frickin helicopters again. like it's been a year and it all just went away and i just love them and i would take great pleasure in hopping in one of those machines that killed the one person i was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. screw that. i only want to get in a helicopter so it can crash and kill me too. other than that all they do is make me think of you, how you died, what i've lost, what you went through, i visualize it...basically i make myself sick. so yeah, work i'd love to ride all day in a frickin helicopter and suffer in hell. please let me work with helicopters all summer...could you do that? please oh please. would you be so kind. frickin work - i hate em - they are all insensative. damn, i need a new job! well i guess i'll go to bed now. i'm sleeping in your bed again and it feels good, i slept like a rock last night. the sheets still smell like you, so it's like i'm kinda with you again. damn i can't wait for us to be together. i miss you so, so, so, so much honey. i really do. i so look fwd to the day when i can be with you again. i can't wait to get to heaven. we will be together forever than. you are my one and only hon. to you and only you do i give my love. that's forever, until i die. love you my k-dub, you're the best thing that ever happened to me....love you, love you, love you - hugs n kisses beautiful