Pain

I don't even know what I feel anymore. I feel a pit in my stomach all the time. I feel on the verge of tears all the time. I feel like crying for no known reason (besides the fact that you're dead). I feel mean and angry all the time. I really don't want to start work - did I tell you in the last email that ------ had asked me to go to the helicopter psd/helitorch class and I said no thanks (yeah, I did tell you that). Well, ----- called last night and it came up and he said as long as you aren't just saying that to get out of it and I'll give you this year grace period but after that....

That kind of shit pisses me off, that is the attitude of everyone I work with. That's what I feel. They all think I should be rushing back into all this crap with arms wide open, when I feel completely opposite. I want to run away. I hate how everyone who makes all the decisions (big wigs) thinks I should be all happy now. It makes me soooo pissed and angry. I honestly think about quitting - I really do. I need to look at my finances and what would I do...more like, where would I move? I might talk to --- - maybe I could work for him. Crap, I don't know.

I can't stop thinking of you. Well it goes like this, a memory of you or us pops into my head, I get a sharp pit in my stomach, so I suppress the memory and keep doing what I was doing and then it happens again and again and again and again. I don't know how I am making it. I hurt, I am empty, I am lost. I feel like a zombie who wants absolutely nothing to do with this life. I want no part of living in this world. At this point I don't even care if I die and see you, all I want right now is just to die - just escape this reality. I want this pain to go away. I just want to die and never feel again, that's it. If you are there to meet me it's a bonus. All that matters to me right now is escaping all of this pain. I don't know how I can keep going on and I certainly don't know how I've made it this far. I pray to God and give Him credit, but sometimes I don't even have my faith. It's like everything disappears - my faith, my hope, just everything. God, honey I miss you so much. I miss your love and what we shared. I would give anything to rewind back in time and just be with you again. I don't know what to do now, I'm so lost without you. I want to give up. What's the point in anything, what's the point in living. I see no point in anything - why exist? I don't know what to do, I am soo lost without you. What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to turn?

Life sucks, just cuz I exist and live on this earth doesn't mean I need to appreciate it or even want it. I never asked to live. I am pissed. I am miserable. I am angry. I am hurt. I am dead. I wish I was for real. Yeah, I know it's Lent and I gave up talking about being dead or being sorrowful, but I'm at the end of my wits. I hurt all the time, I had to get it out, it was so painful keeping it in. Who knows if this will even help - probably not. God, I keep having flashbacks and images of you and me, even as I type this. I just had one of you and me driving out to our property. Why did He have to take you? Why? Why? Why?

Gonna go now - I hurt. I love you more than anything in this whole world - I want you back honey - please, I'd give anything. Pleeeeaaaasssseee come back for me.