ONE YEAR

hey hon. well, here i am missing you horribly. missing you so much it gives me a pit in my stomach. i want to see you soooooooo bad. i miss you soooooooo bad. i feel like i need you next to me now more than ever. i always miss you and think of you but for some reason (maybe your one year) i can't stand not being with you. all of the sudden a new emptiness has come over me, a new deeper pain and even though i have been surrounded by great, caring friends for weeks now, i have an emptiness that is so hollow. what more can i do, i have traveled all over the west and seen some very beautiful country, i have spent time with some of the most caring people ever, i have had great talks with numerous friends - talks i could never have before, so i haven't been shoving you down for a change. how could anyones life be better? i have it all and i am so lucky, yet i am missing the one thing that makes me complete - YOU. i feel like i really don't want to go on. before it was just me in my house and i didn't want to go on, but now i've done everything cool and fun that i could imagine and it still hasn't changed how i feel about life, it hasn't made anything better and i realize it makes no difference what i do, you aren't there and it's not enjoyable or a better word, fulfulling. so this trip has been discouraging in that way. it makes me feel even more hopeless. i thought maybe before if i was around people and busy doing things it would be better, but i've found out that is not the case and i really feel hopeless now. if this can't make the pain, emptiness and loneliness go away, what will? there goes a helicopter flying overhead....you should be here, i miss you. i wonder what it will take for me to want life to go on without you - or look forward to it because life does go on without you, regardless. it's just that's there's nothing of any meaning in it right now. how can i be so lonely when i have so much? jimmy told me as i was driving through arcata that you guys had a conversation - if anything should ever happen to you, you wanted me to be happy, if that met going on and meeting someone else, that's what you wanted. hmm, i don't know what to think. if i died the selfish me would want you to love me and only me forever. i would never want you to love anyone else as long as you lived. i guess i don't see if you loved me and we were supposed to be together forever, how could you love someone else again? it's the same way i look at it. i love you. i can't love anyone else. so me meeting and falling in love with someone else seems impossible. for you to have said that to jimmy you must have thought it was possible to love again after our love?? maybe. i'm not going to read too much into it. i would certainly want you to be happy again - so happy, but i wouldn't want you to be with anyone else again. maybe my thoughts on that will change as time goes on but i couldn't imagine you being able to love anyone more than me. we loved each other soooooooo much - i know you loved me as much as i loved you. so i know you wouldn't be able to love again if i would've died. just like i can't love again. i'm hopelessly in love with you. i don't care that you are dead, i don't care that you are in heaven. i will see you again - there is no doubt. ugh, it sickens me to think i would/could marry someone else...ugh, what if i died and went to heaven and you were there and then the other guy died and he was there. i know heaven is all loving and you love everyone equal, but i hold out hope that heaven can be like "what dreams may come" that we will be reunited with our mate and can live in eternal happiness, love and bliss. sure we will all love each other equal, but if there was another guy in the mix....that messes it all up. you are the one i want to be with forever. you are the one i am holding out for. you are so perfect and to me it is so worth it. i won't ruin it by trying to find another love. i really don't want to. so when jimmy said to be happy, no matter what it takes and if it means finding someone else than that's okay too. well, i can be happy without a man. another man will not replace you or give me the happiness that you gave to me. i will just have to live the rest of my life being as happy as i can....i can't seem to find our happiness, but that's okay. i can go through these motions because i know the heaven that awaits me. i would go through hell on earth if i knew you were at the end. honey, it's been one year without you and i'm ready to burst into tears because i miss you so much. it hurts me now as much as it did then. i wish it was back then because at least i could be a zombie and not even know what the hells going on. it's kind of real now, even though i sometimes feel like this still isn't real. it's really a bad dream and i will be somewhere and you will just show up. i really think that sometime. most of the time i feel so distached to my body and from this life. i feel really weird just being someone who is floating around in la-la land. i feel like where am i and what am i doing here. i feel so outta place. like i really don't belong here. sometimes i feel like i'm only here for a little while longer and soon god will take me and i will be in heaven and we will be together again. why is it such a strong feeling that we all will be together again. i have visions of you, me, the kids and sometimes your mom. like we will all be together again and i shouldn't worry about a thing here on earth. just do what needs to be done and it will all work out. i no longer care about anything. i don't care about work or what i do in my life, i guess i feel like as long as i fulfill my time here on earth with a bunch of fill that my time will come and it will be our time. we will be together. it's just that i really can't wait. you were so perfect, so, so perfect. i miss everything you did so much. i can still feel your hair and your cheeks. i can feel me touching your face, your head, i can feel the love that just radiated out of me as i looked at you. it was never ending, i still have it, i'm just saving it for you... when i see you again, there will be so much love pouring out of me it will light the sky....people on earth will think there's another sun....haha. :) i guess i really don't know what else to say, i feel like i should say so much and i feel so much and this is your year letter and it should be some amazing work of art, but it is what it is. i'll write you about my trip in another email. this one is mainly to let you know that i am still so madly, deeply in love with you - even after a year. nothing has changed as far as my love, it is no less. i will be faithful to you and we will be together again. i know that, i can feel it. i'm sure you can too. i will end this and i pray you know or can feel the love that i have for you that burns inside of me. it is patiently waiting...but it is there and it is so big. i love you honey, i've loved you since day one. i am so thankful for what we shared and i'm so thankful i will have you when i get to heaven. love you always, always, always. your baby girl through all eternity. xoxoxoxo