Bad Dream

It's Saturday the 14th of April, I meant to write you yesterday....don't know why I didn't, I just didn't. I was really upset yesterday morning. I had a dream, not a good one. I should've written you yesterday when it was a fresh memory, instead it will be a vague recollection. Let's see I know I was hurt because you kept avoiding me in the dream and once again it was like a maze with dead ends everywhere - roads with dead ends everywhere - and I was chasing you, chasing you, looking for you, looking for you, like I always am. I don't remember the setting, only that you were there and so was I and you were too busy for me, you wouldn't acknowledge me. Bottom line is you were acting like I was nothing, ignoring me. All I wanted was for you to turn around and say hi or just be happy to see me as any friend would, but instead - well, I don't remember, but I was really hurt when I woke up. I went for my morning run and I started crying and getting pissed at you - "why do you keep running from me!!!" "dammit, stop running from me and acknowledge I exist" I said that to you yesterday, I probably would've yelled it but I'm sure the whole town would have heard me.

So why do you do that in your dreams? Why don't you ever talk to me? Why can't you just be normal? Why can't you just come see me and why can't we spend a lot of time together and hug, laugh, talk and be happy? And face to face, not on the phone. Why can I only feel you? Why won't you hug me? Why won't you be as excited to see me as I am you? Do you still love me? I feel like a fool these days.....I cry my heart out for you. All I want is to be with you again. My life revolves around you and when I see you in my dreams you act like it's no big deal. Is this really how it's going to be in Heaven? If you came back today would you still love me? Would you be excited to see me? You don't seem like it now. Am I fool to think my dreams even mean anything? They seem so real, that's why I believe them so much. I really need your help or God's, somebody, I am so lost and empty. This earth holds nothing for me. I want you back so bad. Or I want to be there with you so bad. You must be disgusted with me, how could you love me the way I am now? I'm a loser who can't move on with her life. I'm stuck on you. Even if I do try to move on, I don't know what I want or where I'm going. I have absolutely no direction. I'll keep trying to pray to God. I know I don't do it enough. I just get fed up with this life, I get fed up with trying. What good does trying do. I can be happy and have no you in my life, which still makes me sad or I can be sad and have no you in my life, which equals sad too. Uggggh, I keep thinking of things we used to do. Things just pop into my head like right now as I'm typing. I want those things back. I hate this life, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I just wish everyone would leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be involved in anyone's life nor them in mine. Just let me suffer 'til I die. I've said this before, I only want two things: Heaven and to be with you again. The only way to achieve either of the things I want are to die. Why can't it just happen!! Why do I have to be Catholic? If I wasn't I probably would've killed myself the day you died. I would've drove to the site where you died, knelt down and shot myself in the head. Something like that....I just want to be with you. Life is miserable no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, so why try anymore? I'll just do what it takes to get by. Ugh, I'm a miserable wreck and I'm sure I make you so, so proud to know me. Well, I love you. More than anything in this whole world. I love you with all my heart and I miss you so much that it hurts me so deep. Right in my chest the pain is never ending....but God can give me all the pain he wants, it has to count for something. Someday it will all be worth it. I love you honey....so, so, so much! Sorry for the way I am, I really am. Love you forever, Your Baby Girl (still? I hope?)