Life Without You

I feel so out of it. Life to me means nothing without you. The two things I want most in this world are to make it to Heaven and to see you. Neither can be accomplished on this earth, so I long for something I can't have and when it comes to life on this earth, what really matters. Give me existent and that's just what I'll do - just exist. Now that you're gone I always feel like I'm not a part of this earth, yet I exist on it. I feel suspended in a place that's not Heaven or not this earth. My mind is always somewhere else, either thinking of you/us or anywhere but here. I'm really struggling with relearning what life is without you. I don't know what can give it meaning again or what can give me hope. My only hope is that I will die and see you and be in the Heavenly Kingdom, besides that I have no hope. My only drive is to die; the sooner the better. Life has no meaning it's some weird cycle that starts new everyday and I feel like I have to take part in it, so I do. I just get up, do my robotic duties and return home hoping to dream of you and then it starts all over again. I think of you so often and wish SO bad that we could be together. Even start all over and relive the whole courtship. Just anything to be with you again; anything to be near you again. It hurts me to the core when I think about how I used to wake up next to you and feel the most comfort ever I've felt in my life. With you I felt safe. I don't know what from, but with you life was going to be okay no matter what was thrown at me. You made everything beautiful. I hurt now, thinking back to those nights when I'd wake up and I'd be cuddled up next to you or just even reaching over and touching you; just knowing you were right there, within arms reach. What a comforting feeling. Now I have nothing, I reach out and it's emptiness, it's hollow; there is nothing there but a huge void where you should be. I feel like it's a black hole or a vortex, this void, it just pulls me and I here I am swirling around and around and around and you are no where. It's like a pool at the base of a waterfall where the same water keeps circulating in the same spot over and over. There's always a stick, bug or some object in the whirlpool that can't get out. It keeps spinning around uncontrollable, being controlled by the forces of nature, there's nothing it can do. That is exactly how I feel. Out of control, yet something gets me through each day without drowning in the whirlpool. Either that or my life is a maze where every turn is a dead end. In this maze I look for you. Every thought and every memory is a tunnel I start to follow hoping to blink or turn around and there you'll be, right in front of me, but all I get are dead ends. Every turn is a wrong turn, they're all dead ends, but this force that's driving me this thing we call life keeps me searching. I'm like Pavlov's dog who drools for food every time he heard the bell. It's what's normal to me, it's my natural reaction to just keep looking and looking and looking and looking. I always think if I look hard enough there you'll be and everything will be okay again. This nightmare will be over and I'll be happy again. In the meantime I'll continue to wander aimlessly through this maze until I find you in Heaven or I'll keep re-circulating in this whirlpool of hell until I drown. That's my thoughts for today on this 11th day of April. One year and 25 days past your death and I'm still lost. I love you honey and I will forever. My loyalty to you is unbreakable. I will be yours, and only yours, until the day I die and we meet again. That's how I want it. You were the only one for me and that will always be true. Love you so much honey. Forever, your Baby Girl. xoxoxo