Drowning

I was much further out than you thought and not waving but drowning.

This is how I feel most of the time, essentially the façade of me waving e.g. being happy and having a smile on my face when in reality I am drowning e.g. hollow, sorrowful and empty inside. From a distance I appear okay, but upon closer inspection I am a train wreck.

For the first time today I got really pissed at you and I still am, I am numb writing this to you because I have so much anger I can't process it all. I talked to Jimmy today about the FAA report and he commented on the type of pilot you were, how you liked to push things and take chances. Yes, I know you were like that, it was part of your nature. You seemed to have gotten better and maybe you weren't like that at all, but I know how that is and sometimes when you get caught up in the moment you go with the flow and your instincts and if instincts have always been to just push a little more than that's what you do. Well, he had hoped when it goes to court that it doesn't come out that you liked to push the envelope sometimes. Okay, so far I'm fine with what Jimmy is saying because I agreed with him to the best of my knowledge. You had talked about being that way and although you had said you had changed your way of flying and were more aware of the limits and not pushing them anymore or as much, I would never really know since I never flew with you or worked with you the last couple of years, BUT you told me, so I believed you and I do to this day. Anyhow, we talked more and it came up that you apparently, according to everyone on the ground, had 4 or 5 chances to set the ship down in some flat areas, but you said you were going to take it back to service. People said just to set it down and the mechanic could get a ride or hike to the ship and check it out, but you pushed the envelope, you had to take it back to service. So I am so pissed, what happened to all our conversations about being safe and never pushing it because it was never worth it. What happened to you what you had said to me "I have so much to live for now, it's not worth it to push it." You said that to me, did it mean nothing. We're you not thinking of me, Sami, your mom, your dad. What were you doing – passing up safe opportunities to land and for what to get it to service. Why? Why? Why? Now I am sooooo mad because now I know this could have been prevented, all you had to do was land!! And on top off it all, I was told that you didn't land at service because you didn't want to kill the people on the ground, so you were a hero and decided to get it back so you wouldn't kill them, risking your life in the process. Well, I was fine with that, I was led to believe you were a hero of sorts and now I find out it was all lies!!! I was deceived and that pisses me off –not towards you, but it just adds to the whole attitude of being so angry with you. I am much cooler about this now, then I was 6 hours ago, in which I was pacing back and forth across the floor holding my head, crying, yelling at you that I hated you for passing up 4 or 5 opportunities to essentially, live. I was mad at you because it's your fault now that I suffer daily and I will live the rest of my life not knowing the pleasure of love, marriage, faithfullness, sacrifice for another, companionship, life's pleasures in general…..when you chose to pass up those places to land you chose to take my life with you also. You are responsible for ruining the rest of my life. You are responsible for this last year of hell I have suffered through, you are responsible for every second of every day of this pain I endure. You are responsible for you moms eternal suffering. You are responsible for abondoning Sami and her one hope and opportunity for salvation – us. You are responsible for all of our hell's on earth. Your selfish, stupid decision to push the envelope has ruined lives on earth. Because of your dumb ass decision we are all left to suffer the consequence. I hope you are happy now and if I sound blunt, angry and hateful, it's because I am. Rightfully so. You deserve it. And I am sooooo much more cooler than I was this afternoon. You heard me cursing at you for at least an hour straight. You really have ruined everything. How can you live with your decision? You should be so ashamed and full of guilt! Thanks. You know what really sucks about this. You did the same thing I probably would've done and that was a part of your personality that I loved. So what's so contradictory about all of this is I loved every bit of your personality, I would've never changed a thing and yet something I loved about you killed you and all our hopes and dreams. How confused am I? I hate. I hate. I hate. I hate. It's so deep right now, I don't even feel like I love you at this moment and the candle that I lit for you was words, not my heart. For the first time since you died I typed words to you that were meaningless. Words, they were just that. No heart was behind what I wrote and what's a shame it was something beautiful I wrote. I felt like telling you how much I hated you, yet I know I don't hate you, I hate your decision, I hate your actions. Me, of all people, a coach, a supervisor of people should know the difference between a person and their actions. But that is what I feel at this moment, is a hatred towards you. My hope is that I will go to bed, sleep on this, and eventually come to terms with this. This seems detrimental to my feelings towards you and I hope I can recover to this shock. And if this is part of Gods plan to make me distance myself from you, so I will move on with my life and find happiness with another man, it won't work. No matter how pissed and angry I am at you right now – and feeling like it may change my feelings for you – I know it's stupidity talking, irrational emotions talking and I will never be with anyone else ever again. You were the one….that's just the facts and that's just the way it will always be. So that's all I feel like saying to you right now. I'm angry and you don't deserve my time right now – you have really pissed me off and made me think deeply about all the things you have taken from me, noteably my life, my heart and my soul. You did something stupid and I am hear to pay the price for your stupidity. Thanks. Yeah, thanks a lot.