I haven’t wrote to you in awhile. I guess I’m just feeling hopeless and helpless now. I want you and nothing else in this life and I know you’re not attainable, at least not without dying. So I have some numbing, hopeless feeling. I feel so lost without you. I don’t want anything in this life. I could be content working as a walmart greeter or pushing carts in from Safeway. I don’t care if I end up coaching with Dxx, I don’t care if I stay in xxxx for the rest of my career, I don’t care if I get the job with xxxx and working out of xxxx. I don’t care if I live in this place in xxxxx forever ‘til I retire. I don’t care if I have to live with xxxxx. I don’t care if I live in xxxxx apt and commute. I don’t care if I can never afford to build our house in xxxxx. I don’t care if I don’t do anything and live in Green Valley and work at some bookstore and make $5.00/hr. I just don’t care what happens to my life. I don’t care if I get fired. I don’t care if I lose my job. I don’t care if I can never coach again. I don’t care if I can never fight fire again. I don’t care. I don’t care if something bad happens to me. I don’t care, I am numb. In my mind nothing worse can ever happen in my life that will make me hurt like losing you. Dad has MS, mom just told me she was diagnosed with ET – all these abbreviations. Essential tremors, it’s like Parkinsons where you shake. Hers is relegated to her head and hands and now that I look back, Grandma xxxx had it. And it runs in the family – duh – there is a word for that idiot – genetic. So give me the worse disease ever, give me one month to live. Take my parents from me. Why care? Nothing, no pain at all could ever come close to what I have experienced losing you. So is it any wonder that I don’t really care what happens in my life. Anything good won’t replace you and make me whole again or happy again. And anything bad won’t change my view on the world or make me hurt anymore than I already do. I just don’t have expectations. The only thing that disappoints me these days is not dying. I want to die and just be out of this earth so bad. Be away from here and be with you, but my luck I will live forever. And everyday that goes on is a day that I get discouraged and frustrated because I haven’t died yet. That’s all I want. Nothing, I want nothing but to die. So anyway I have this new numb feeling now and I suppose it’s replaced the feeling I had when I was so mad and pissed at you this weekend for not landing when you had four or five opportunities. Maybe I don’t think of that anymore because it hurts me so bad or maybe I just don’t care anymore. What’s the point in caring, in getting mad, in wishing you were here. It’s all empy. Nothing can be fulfilled with me anymore. It’s all pointless. I stayed mad at you until that night, I think I looked at your football jersey or your I heart xxxx shirt and I thought to myself, how could I ever stay mad at you. I love you more than anything in this whole world. This depth of love is so deep the pain burrows down and down and down trying to find the bottom of my love and it can’t. That’s why I believe this pain hurts so much, because it’s so deep.
So I’m in this bereavement study and I’m supposed to answer the question of “We would like you to start by thinking back at your loss experience. By this we mean the period between the time you first became aware your partner might die or had die up until and including your partner’s funeral. Then decide for yourself which moments or events during this period have been most significant to you and/or difficult to talk or think about. Try to write down these moments or events in as much detail as possible, including such facts as where you were, what happened, how you felt, what you were thinking, sights and sounds etc. Please note, we do not expect you to write down the whole sequence of events that took place during this period. Try to focus on the most significant moments or events.” How am I supposed to answer this, I don’t know what to say or what is significant. It was all a dream. It was all surreal, no particular event stood out. So I really need to think about that question. I would say what I remember most is the phone call with those three awful words, “we lost xxxx” – yeah, I’m crying now just typing that. How I reacted and driving up to your house to stay there one last time cuz that’s what it was going to be and I knew it....one last time. All the driving back n forth up there, people stopping by, Pissy staying, xxx visiting, crazy mama j coming over and drowning me in her sorrows, any phone calls or cards I got, I don’t remember, all of that was meaningless. I remember xxxx hugging me and saying a prayer. I remember going to dad’s church and xxxx saying a prayer and Mr Cheeks asking who will I marry now. I remember hearing his Train CD – Calling All Angels and When I Look To The Sky and looking out the window at nothing while tears streamed down my face. I wasn't even trying to cry, they were just coming. I know my sister was crying and maybe even dad. Eveything between then and the funeral is a blur. The funeral is a blur. xxx came up and she was with me and that meant a lot but it was all a blur too. There were so many people and I was lost, I couldn’t comprehend what was going on except all these people I didn’t know where hugging me and saying things to me. His old high school girlfriend gave me his football jersey and that made me cry. I just had no clue what was going on. Somehow everyone left and I stayed all by myself – well with his fuel truck driver xxx (I think) and I think I left the next day after breakfast with his family. I drove home alone and that’s all I know. I didn’t cry as much as I thought. It was all too unreal. Wow, I think this is the first time I wrote about a lot of this. I can see why I don’t think about it. It makes it all come back. Like it was yesterday and you should be here. You should be walking in that door right now. You should be calling me. WTF!!! I hate life even more now. No wonder I don’t talk or write about this. Number one who would I talk to about this and I guess I’ve never seen any need to write to you about this because it is the past. Well, what this has done for me is open up an old wound I didn’t know I had. I hate this. I hate this emptiness. I hate living without you by my side. I hate every single thing about what I’ve become and what my life has become. I am a wreck and I have no clue where I am going. Good thing I don’t care. I guess I’ll go now. Oh yeah, it’s my birthday and what’s it matter because you aren’t here to share it with. I turned 35 and you aren’t here to give me a hug or even call me if you were on a job somewhere. We should be married and we should be living in our new house and this should be my first birthday in our new house and we should have xxx. And we should be the happiest couple ever but instead I celebrated my birthday with no one and did nothing spectacular today. I got no cards, I got no presents. I got a phone call from dad, mom and a message from Pissy. Shit, all I wanted for my birthday was to look into your eyes and a hug. All I wanted was for you to hold me and tell me it’s going to be all right. That’s it. Even to hear your voice. I had two messages on my machine and I prayed that one would be you. I wouldn’t question how I got it or where it came from, I just wanted to know that you were thinking of me today. I hope you miss me as much as I miss you. It would suck if you didn’t. It would be like loving someone who doesn’t love you back. Well, that’s pointless and I suppose I’m rambling now, but my point was today was my birthday and it meant absolutely nothing without you. I wished you were here ..... but that’s everyday. I love you honey. So, so much. I will never forget you and I will always love you and I truly look forward to the day when we can be together again. Love you always and forever, your Baby Girl
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