48U - "I've never been so sure..."

I just had to say hi to you my love. Today was the first day I had to be around a helicopter and hear helicopter radio traffic, so if I don't write about this and keep it pent up I'll go nutz. Initially driving up to -----, the first memory is always flying out to the Charlie Flight units over the Santa Y. I always look up on those ridges (the ones by ----- too) and think how we saw all the elk and wildlife in the evening and the sunset and it was absolutely beautiful and how I'll never forget that memory as long as I live. It's as if it was yesterday. It's so vivid and I have no doubt God was working his magic with us. I always think of that and I cry as I type this because I just miss you so much honey. I would give anything to see your face just one more time. ugh. Then I drove past the ----- Creek cabins where we stayed. You were/are the best. No one will ever come close to you. Then I got there and a dumb ass red helicopter was taking off, it was a 500 and it looked like something ----- would do...paint his helicopter pure red cuz he's a cocky dumb ass like that. But I don't know who it was cuz I drove away as fast as I could so I wouldn't have to look at it. I drove down the river to put up flagging for the pack test, I was holding back tears as I was leaving the parking lot cuz all I could see was the rainstorm and you and me running back from the river to underneath a tree. I drove right by there and did everything I could to keep from crying. I hung the flagging and as I drove back I crossed the bridge over the --- and there it was, the area we skipped rocks. All I could see was you and me sitting there talking, not ever wanting to leave, but only going back to the office because we had to....more like, "well, we better go huh?" I hate it up there honey, it's so strong, our memories up there and it hurts so bad. I was thinking on the way up about how I've always been so anti-commitment and how I always have lingering doubts about things even if I think I'm pretty sure. Even when ---- and I talked about marriage, I was pretty sure, but I had some what-if's. Same with ----. I look at jobs I take and things I do and questions always linger. I was thinking that with you there was NEVER any doubt. That is the honest to God's truth. I never second guessed our marriage, I never had "what-ifs" or wondered if certain things would work out. I never got nervous about anything we were about to do - building a house, getting married, me quitting my job, you quitting yours, us getting full custody of ----. You made me feel so secure, I knew, no matter what it was going to work. I never doubted that .......or us .......or you. I believed more than I have ever believed anything. Well, when I got to ----, I read this in a newspaper "I've never been so sure about anything in my life as I was with you." That has got to be the truest statement I have ever seen. I immediately thought of you. You are the only thing in my life EVER that I knew was the right thing. You were so natural and I knew from the beginning. I just KNEW. Why did God take you from me....the one thing that was certain, that for once in my life I wanted to be committed to and my security and my peace of mind and my happiness and my love and my heart and my soul and my reason for living.....why did God take you and everything that went with you? He knew, why doesn't he do it to couples that live forever and don't live in His name. Look at us, we were reading the Bible together, going to church together, we were just beginning our spiritual relationship together. God wants that, why would he ruin it and take it away. Doesn't he want people like us on earth. People that demonstrate what love is all about. People who live in his name. People who epitomize love....why? I don't get it. It's all too much, it hurts me too bad, so I'm just going to go to bed. Crawl into our big empty bed and think about when I used to snuggle up to you and put my cold, cold feet on your legs and laugh and you would just laugh too and you never took your legs away. You always let me warm up my feet. You meant the world to me hon and you still do. I love you honey and I want you back sooo bad. I seriously can't wait until I can be with you again. I love you!!!! Your babygirl forever. (((Big Hugs))) xxoxoxoxoxox *never got to celebrate today with you - bummer* :)