Our Day
I spent today with --- in ----. We went to our Fred Meyers (I also got my ring cleaned - every 6 months to keep the warranty), then we went to a movie at our movie theatre, then we got our ice cream (birthday cake remix) at Cold Stone and then we went to our park to play basketball. I wish we could've spent more time together. It's hard for me initially to go up there because she reminds me of you, of us, what we used to be, our family and it's very hurtful. But once I'm up there I regret that I don't go up more often. The after effects (now) are what sucks. I could write a book on the pain I feel now and I suppose I should, but all I want is to close my eyes and make all this go away. ----- is not in a good situation, ---- looked like hell, they are moving now to God knows where, ----- wasn't home when I dropped off ----. ---- is in jail for at least three months, now ----, ---- and ---- have a lawyer and they are suing someone over your accident. This all makes me want to die, I want to disappear from this world and this pain. All I want is to be with you. I don't want a penny from your accident, I don't want any settlement, nothing. All I've ever wanted was you. I'm the one who loves you the most and wants you the most and I get nothing. These guys have no love for you, yet they have everything I wanted from you. ---- had 13 years of your life and ----- had a child by you. I get almost three years of your life and no "little -----" running around. They get it all. Now they want to milk you for all the rest, they want your money. How could they do this to you? It makes me cry and I don't even know why. Life isn't fair. They will probably get a ton of money and the people that deserve it the least will get the most. And the people that love you the most are left with nothing but memories and pain. Life is a bitch. Your dad won't get anything because he's not your real dad. Your baby girl, I will get nothing - just a front row seat to all the vultures taking all they can from your death and your mom will more than likely get nothing. Not that $$$ is the least bit important, but why do the people that care for you the least have the most to gain. I'm so, so sorry. I wish people weren't like that. Here they want any money they can get and here I am and I'd pay money. If it cost a billion dollars I would pay every cent I made until the day I died to see you. I don't want any money from your death, all I want is to touch your face again, to feel your whiskers on my neck, to hear you tell me "you're a dandy". All I want is to be by your side. They want your money and I'll give it all away to see you again. This is really hurtful to me and this day has been horrible. I want you baby. I'm crying so much right now and I don't like feeling this way. I don't want to go to work tomorrow and I don't want to wake up tomorrow. Why can't I just go to sleep and never wake up??? Why Lord? Why does it have to hurt so bad? Why did you make it like this? I am lonely for you. No point in rambling, *on a side note* ---- cried for the first time ever today, I have never seen her cry. I know why though....it was the movie Spiderman 3 and someone died, "----, -----, -----, -----, ----, ----...." that's all that was going through my head the whole time and I had to fight so hard not to cry. ----- did. I know what she was thinking and I know what she was feeling and for the first time ever since you died, someone (----) felt my pain. We shared our pain together, thinking the exact same thing. She understands, even though she doesn't know it yet. We will always understand each other. That bond we will ALWAYS share. We are attached by that bond forever. By the way I told her if I ever died I wanted her to have our wedding ring. That has to happen. We shared some memories of us too...it's cool cuz her memories are of things I have forgotten. I like it when she asks if I remember when we did this or that. My pain and I are going to call it a night, I have to face another shit ass day tomorrow, another day without you, another day full of memories because of work, another day full of pain, another day wishing I was dead. The only positive about another day is it's a day closer to being with you. Life's a bitch and then you die....hah! Can't wait for the die part, I just wish --- could go with me. Love you forever and ever. I'll be single for the rest of my life. No doubt. You're it. Love you so, so, so, so, so much - endless love - your babygirl.
I spent today with --- in ----. We went to our Fred Meyers (I also got my ring cleaned - every 6 months to keep the warranty), then we went to a movie at our movie theatre, then we got our ice cream (birthday cake remix) at Cold Stone and then we went to our park to play basketball. I wish we could've spent more time together. It's hard for me initially to go up there because she reminds me of you, of us, what we used to be, our family and it's very hurtful. But once I'm up there I regret that I don't go up more often. The after effects (now) are what sucks. I could write a book on the pain I feel now and I suppose I should, but all I want is to close my eyes and make all this go away. ----- is not in a good situation, ---- looked like hell, they are moving now to God knows where, ----- wasn't home when I dropped off ----. ---- is in jail for at least three months, now ----, ---- and ---- have a lawyer and they are suing someone over your accident. This all makes me want to die, I want to disappear from this world and this pain. All I want is to be with you. I don't want a penny from your accident, I don't want any settlement, nothing. All I've ever wanted was you. I'm the one who loves you the most and wants you the most and I get nothing. These guys have no love for you, yet they have everything I wanted from you. ---- had 13 years of your life and ----- had a child by you. I get almost three years of your life and no "little -----" running around. They get it all. Now they want to milk you for all the rest, they want your money. How could they do this to you? It makes me cry and I don't even know why. Life isn't fair. They will probably get a ton of money and the people that deserve it the least will get the most. And the people that love you the most are left with nothing but memories and pain. Life is a bitch. Your dad won't get anything because he's not your real dad. Your baby girl, I will get nothing - just a front row seat to all the vultures taking all they can from your death and your mom will more than likely get nothing. Not that $$$ is the least bit important, but why do the people that care for you the least have the most to gain. I'm so, so sorry. I wish people weren't like that. Here they want any money they can get and here I am and I'd pay money. If it cost a billion dollars I would pay every cent I made until the day I died to see you. I don't want any money from your death, all I want is to touch your face again, to feel your whiskers on my neck, to hear you tell me "you're a dandy". All I want is to be by your side. They want your money and I'll give it all away to see you again. This is really hurtful to me and this day has been horrible. I want you baby. I'm crying so much right now and I don't like feeling this way. I don't want to go to work tomorrow and I don't want to wake up tomorrow. Why can't I just go to sleep and never wake up??? Why Lord? Why does it have to hurt so bad? Why did you make it like this? I am lonely for you. No point in rambling, *on a side note* ---- cried for the first time ever today, I have never seen her cry. I know why though....it was the movie Spiderman 3 and someone died, "----, -----, -----, -----, ----, ----...." that's all that was going through my head the whole time and I had to fight so hard not to cry. ----- did. I know what she was thinking and I know what she was feeling and for the first time ever since you died, someone (----) felt my pain. We shared our pain together, thinking the exact same thing. She understands, even though she doesn't know it yet. We will always understand each other. That bond we will ALWAYS share. We are attached by that bond forever. By the way I told her if I ever died I wanted her to have our wedding ring. That has to happen. We shared some memories of us too...it's cool cuz her memories are of things I have forgotten. I like it when she asks if I remember when we did this or that. My pain and I are going to call it a night, I have to face another shit ass day tomorrow, another day without you, another day full of memories because of work, another day full of pain, another day wishing I was dead. The only positive about another day is it's a day closer to being with you. Life's a bitch and then you die....hah! Can't wait for the die part, I just wish --- could go with me. Love you forever and ever. I'll be single for the rest of my life. No doubt. You're it. Love you so, so, so, so, so much - endless love - your babygirl.
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