May 5, 2007

Bereavement study: homework assignment 2



Homework assignment 2
In the first assignment you were asked to describe difficult moments or events that happened some time ago. This time we would like you to describe your present situation and how things are going for you right now. There are two things we would like you to write about.
First, we would like you to focus on matters you find particularly difficult to deal with or which you even try to avoid. These can be as diverse as, for example, subjects you have a hard time talking or thinking about, objects, places, situations or people you try to avoid, and thoughts, feelings, or memories you try to keep away from. It’s important that you not only describe exactly the things that are difficult for you, but also how these things make you feel.
Secondly, we would like you to focus on matters that are going reasonably well given the circumstances, things - big or small - that you feel you have accomplished since your partner died, any progress you feel you have made since then. Try to name as many of these things as possible.
  1. Matters I find particularly difficult to deal with and even avoid are many. I avoid going to the other city where we had our other residence. It’s difficult for me to keep in touch or talk to his daughter or the rest of his family. I love them and of course, I always talk to them, but I feel guilty because I wish they weren’t there, they are all painful reminders. It’s not right, but I still feel guilty for having those thoughts. His daughter lives with an abusive mother, I feel helpless, I can’t “save” her. I have no rights. Makes me mad, angry and sad. I avoid thinking about how close we were to getting full custody of his daughter. She also has special needs. It hurts me to have no rights and watch helplessly. I avoid helicopters, seeing them anywhere, hearing them, looking at them, reading about them. Anything. I would love to avoid my job (I’m a -------), it is where we met and everywhere I look is a memory of something we shared. I can’t leave my job, so I feel trapped with no way to avoid painful memories. I repress all the reminders I see or come across, they are too painful to acknowledge, especially at work. I have to be focused. Especially when we work with helicopters. I want to get away and it makes me feel guilty, I feel like I’m letting people down by not doing my job. I avoid any situations where I know there will be a helicopter, a lot of work situations, a fair majority – prescribed burning, air support for fires, crew shuttles, medstar/medivac. But I HAVE to deal with helicopters, it’s part of my job. I can’t talk about how much it bothers me without crying and I don’t want to be weak at work with a bunch of guys. They are understanding but I still hate talking about it with anyone because I think it makes me look weak. I fluctuate from not looking at his pictures or thinking about him to letting memories play through my mind like a highlight reel. There are moments it hurts too much to even think about him or our memories so I suppress it all and change my thoughts. Memories we shared are still very difficult for me to think about. It’s difficult to talk deeply about him, our memories or my feelings attached to him, but I can say his name in passing conversation. His objects, things I cleaned out of our other house, they’re still where I unpacked them in my house. I have no desire to look through them or move them. It’s too hard. Every now and then I have to pull records or documents out of our file cabinet for our lawyer. That is difficult. I avoid thinking about our wedding that we were a month away from, I avoid thinking about the house we were a week from breaking ground on. Couples, I hate seeing or being around couples, even on TV/radio - I avoid – I leave or turn the station. Don’t like going to friends houses that are couples. Feel deep hurt & sadness cuz that should’ve been us. That could’ve been us. Jealousy - I wish that was us. Driving to or through places we used to stay during his work – he traveled. I get sick to my stomach every time I go someplace we stayed. I don’t want to be there, too many good memories that make me sad. Sometimes I avoid answering the phone or even checking my messages for days. I don’t like the phone now and I don’t know if that’s because how I found out about his death or because I know it won’t be him and no one else matters. It could be anyone and I don’t care. Not sure really though why I avoid the phone. It’s difficult seeing new construction: houses being built, seeing any house that looks like the one we were going to build. Hearing people talk about building houses, ads or commercials for building materials. Weddings – when people talk about their own weddings or honeymoon, when I see them on TV, I’ll avoid it. I won’t ever go to one again (luckily everyone in my family is married now). Seeing grieving people or dead people on TV or hearing about death/grieving. That really hits home. All those things make me uncomfortable. I’m an avoider, I will pretty much avoid anything now that reminds me of him – all of it makes me sick, sad, angry, etc. etc. It feels like there is a sick pit in my stomach and/or chest. I want to stab myself over and over and over in my chest. And not to kill myself, but to kill the feeling that is in my chest, I want it to go away, I want to “kill” it. Being overly burdened with reminders or memories makes me want to avoid all people and keep to myself. I just want to get away or run away from it all. I’m not too good at identifying the feelings I have, but all the situations I described illicit different emotions and they’re never predictable. One day a memory could make me cry, the next day I could feel complete numbness to it, the next day it could give me a pit in my stomach. Sometimes I even get mad or angry at the situation I’m in or the life I have now. I never get mad at him. I have lonely feelings, not for anyone to be around me, but just for him. I either want to be alone or with him, no one else, so that makes me lonely. Sometimes I feel hopeless because there is nothing in this life now that I want or desire. Getting better and changing that does not seem possible. I feel helpless because there is absolutely nothing in this world that I can do to change this situation. And helpless because I can’t help his daughter and rescue her from a horrible situation. Guilt for letting people down (personal life & work) and not being nearly the fun person I used to be. I’m sure there are probably other feelings I avoid or bury by not thinking about us, but those are the main ones I know for sure.
  1. Things going reasonably well; things I have accomplished – what I’m most proud of is fighting fire right after it happened and getting my ----- signed off. ---- always thought it was so cool that I was a ---- (at the time I was a trainee, but he still thought that was cool), he wanted so bad for me to get it. I didn’t care either way. That’s the one thing I focused on and did right after he died. Hard as hell – I am in charge of numerous aircraft dumping water on my division – I wanted to break down every day. I hated working with all those helicopters. It was hell, I stayed strong and people thought I did awesome and they were surprised I was a trainee. No one knew of my situation (his death) so I just had to suck it up and do it. I did it for him, now I never want to do it again. I exercise regularly, the whole time I have. Kind of proud cuz I feel like doing nothing every morning. But exercise is like eating and sleeping for me, been doing it everyday since I was in jr. high – cuz of athletic teams and physical jobs I work – have to stay in shape to beat everyone else (yeah, competitive). So while it was hard to exercise, it is an engrained habit – I would sacrifice sleeping or eating to get my exercise in for the day. But I stayed with it when all I wanted was to lay around and be sad. I went right back to work, but what else was I going to do….I needed money to live, so I HAD to go back – no choice – but I went 99% of the time and only took a few days off for a mental break (800+ hrs of OT in 7 months). I have kept my bills up to date & my house clean – two things that seem hardest with this lack of motivation. I’m really not sure what is going reasonably well, I get up every morning and put my feet on the floor and go to work – that is an accomplishment everyday for me. Everyday is a struggle. I’m a great pretender that everything is fine. I laugh and smile all day at work or on weekends with friends and family while inside I still feel like dying. That’s another thing I do the best that I can, being with family and friends. I REALLY want to seclude myself from people as often as I can & look forward to my alone time…I feel like I need it….I don’t like being around people, but I make myself even when I don’t feel like it….mainly cuz I can only make excuses for so long….not going to tell them the truth, I hurt and want to be alone. Church – certainly more consistent than in the past…would go in the winters, but once summer (----) got going I didn’t go in summers. Since ---- died I go all the time, only missing 3 times so far and that’s because I was on ---- and couldn’t go. Spiritually I study my faith more and have a more genuine interest. That’s going well. I’m proud of where I’ve come with that, but still a long way too go. Sometimes think of even becoming a nun – I love learning about my faith so much and I like the sacrifice it involves and I won’t ever be with another man again anyway, so why not. Oh yeah, I flew in a helicopter a few months after he died, I felt like puking and I wanted the helicopter to crash the whole time, so I could die and be put out of my misery. I thought about jumping out of it too – the whole flight. BUT I did it. I know I don’t ever want to do that again. I guess I’m proud of myself for doing that, but I also had no choice really, otherwise I would have never done it. I never want to be in that situation again, but in my line of work it’s uncontrollable, it could happen again. I have anxiety about that.

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