Confusion

I haven't emailed you in awhile. I guess I'm lost. Or confused. Or in some funky state of mind that I can't figure out. Just really, really confused and out of it. I feel sooooo weird. I don't feel like I'm here on this earth. Here in this moment. I feel like I'm floating and all drugged out or something. Something is not good with me and I don't know what it is. You have been non-existent in my life and so has God. Or at least it feels that way (I know he's always here). I don't know what I've been doing. I don't think about you except morning and night. Don't get me wrong I still cry about you everyday, but I'm not even trying to think about you, -----, your mom, your dad. I haven't called any of them. They've called and I just ignore it. I don't answer the phone (what's new). I don't want to go to work at all. I feel so all alone. Even around people, it's just another weird feeling, but I'd rather feel like this than the damn pain I suffer through day in and day out. Like usual, I just wish I was dead. I don't want to do anything, but what I'm doing now - download music and surf the net. I don't want a job. I don't want to be around people. Well, I take that back. I don't mind being around people, I just don't want to interact with them. It's actually cool to have people around, it's just not cool to actually have to talk to them. I know something's up cuz I drank last night and I did it around the new people who have only been here a week. I would never do that. Why did I do that? I don't drink all winter and then when I do decide to drink, I do it with two new underage kids around. I'm stupid. It's cuz I'm just not thinking. Maybe it's the only way for me to talk to them or feel comfortable around them. I'm dumb like that sometimes. I still think about you way too much even though I say I'm not thinking about you. All around the camp fire last night, things would come up and I'd space off for a second cuz whatever would come up would remind me of you. So I'm sure I look like an idiot all the time, spacing off cuz I start thinking of you. I just really hate this life now. I hate this life without you. I don't want to be here anymore. I just wish it wasn't like this. I wish I didn't lose you. I lost everything when I lost you. My hope, my dreams, my smile, my fun. Just everything. I lost it all man. I am some hollow shell and that is no joke. I feel like a frickin' zombie. I'm sorry, I don't even know what to write. I've lost everything. My will to live, to try, to be this or that. I just don't care about anything. You know what I care about most? My music collection. Yeah, how dumb. I know. I guess it's something. Well, it all sucks and I'm sure you've got to be all embarrassed looking down on me from Purg or Heaven or where ever you are. Sorry. I guess I think I do okay. I challenge others to do better. Peace out man. I love you. You feel soooooooooooo far away from me now. I hate that. Love you honey forever and ever. That will never end. Your babygirl forever. Hugs n kisses