One Year & Two Months

I have been so lost without you lately. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t feel right. I feel no connection with you whatsoever. I don’t know if it’s because you have gone onto better things than giving me signs and making me feel like you’re out there somewhere or it may be because I keep shoving it all back. I haven’t been thinking about you and kind of ignoring the fact of what happened. It’s like it is a part of me that everyone knows about and now that we have these new people working for us I am trying to be this happy, good supervisor type person. I am forced to focus on being happy & I have to care about my job or they will see right through me. I feel like some weird different person. I just flat out don’t think about you. In the morning and at night first thing, sure I do. I still cry for you everyday, either after running or before I go to bed. I almost feel too busy to think about you and when you do pop into my head, I make you go away. I can’t explain how I feel, but it is so weird. I just feel different now. I think I am thinking more about how long I may live and it’s going to be without you. I think I can’t be this miserable forever. I think I can’t feel this hopeless forever. But I also think, I have no purpose for living. What is there to live for? I pretty much still have this death wish. I want to die so bad. I don’t see how I could ever be happy with this life. It’s all about hurt, pain and death. It’s all around me. Mom and her disease, dad and his disease, they will die. Grandma is getting old, she will die. You died. Everyone who is close to me will just die. I don’t know what is so great about this life. Someone please tell me. There are great things in this life, like God’s creation of nature. Animals, sunsets, flowers, etc. But not living life itself. I see nothing constructive about living. I feel like I am in jail and I am putting in my time before I’m out. This is not fun for me, I always feel like I am going through the motions now without you. I have no purpose. Really. What is anyone’s purpose. It is to die. I have no reason to live. You gave me reason, you and your family gave me purpose. Yeah, it’s pretty selfish that your family doesn’t give me purpose now, but don’t worry cuz neither does mine. All my life is everyday is “get up and just make it through today”. That is no joke! That is my reality. To struggle everyday. Day after miserable day. I just don’t care. How easy do you think it is to wake up everyday fighting an uphill battle that will last the rest of my life. It’s hopeless. It’s helpless. You have taken everything from me. All of me went with you. God, I would give absolutely anything to have you back. I miss you soooo much. It is unbearable, I suppose that’s why I just stopped thinking about you. You cause pain. Endless pain, that hurts more and more everyday. I don’t know the answer except to pretend. Pretend like it never happened. Pretend like you don’t exist. Pretend like it doesn’t hurt. Pretend like it’s okay. Life is so fake. I hate pretending. Instead I want to curl up in a ball in some corner and fall asleep. And I never want to wake up again. I want this all to be over. I want this to have never happened. I want to not live with this pain everyday. I don’t want reality. I don’t want this life. I want to escape into your arms. I want you to give me the biggest hug I’ve ever gotten and say, “it’s okay now -----, it’s okay, it’s all over now, you can be happy again, there’s no more pain, it’s all over now” I want you to make it go away. No one else. I don’t think I can do it by myself. I need you to lean on. I needed more than I ever realized. I can’t explain how I could survive without you before I met you, but you changed me. Ever since I met you, I needed you. Now you are gone and I can’t do this honey. I need you more than ever and I can’t have you. You know, you are the first thing ever in my life I can’t have. And then to make matters worse, you are the one thing in my life that I want more than anything….ever! Anything I ever wanted in this life I got, I experienced, I achieved. And all the things I have not done I know in my heart I can do them. Examples, I know if I wanted to be a doctor I could. I know if I wanted to run a marathon I could. I know if I wanted to make the WNBA I could. I know if I wanted to become a millionaire I could. Everything in this earth is achievable and I can do it. I don’t believe I would ever fail to achieve anything. I believe that whatever I want I can get. Nothing in this world is out of reach. Just one thing, and that is you. You are the one thing in this whole world that there is no way I can have. I’ve never experienced not getting what I put my mind to. Maybe that’s what makes it so hard for me. I’ve never experienced failure, I’ve never experienced “no”. If I have there was always another way, another chance, alternative ways. There was always hope. I don’t even have that. Do you know what hope I hang on to? The hope that I will see you again in Heaven. But ya’ know what? Even that sucks for me because I think all love is equal in Heaven, I will love you just the same as Grandma ----- or Uncle -----. You won’t be anyone special in Heaven because we’re all going to be equal. So essentially, I will NEVER experience what we had ever again. None of it. I don’t even have that to look forward to. I have a hard time convincing myself that the love & happiness in Heaven will be so great & fulfilling that it won’t even matter. I want you to be someone special. I want us to have another chance. I want us to be like it used to be. We never had a chance honey. It’s not fair because we don’t even get to try again. I have to live the rest of my life in this hopeless loneliness. Which is fine, I can do it. I can do anything. I’m still alive and you’re not here. That’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Well, I’m still doing it. It’s a process. Sigh. So this is my year and two month letter to you. Yeah, things have changed, but I guarantee I don’t love you any less or miss you any less. I don’t know if love can get “more”, but I miss you more and more everyday. Probably because I need you more and more everyday. You are still my one and only. And I will wait for you, even if there is no promise of anything. Whats it matter anyway huh? We’re all gonna be happy in Heaven, so who cares what kind of hell I go through down here. I love you honey. I love you more than anything. You are the best thing that ever happened to me….ever!! I’ll see you in Heaven and I can’t wait. God, I can’t wait. Sending you the biggest hugs and kisses ever!! Your Baby Girl.