Our Anniversary Kind Of

So today was our day that we should have gotten married if you look at it from the standpoint that it was Saturday last year on Memorial weekend. So it's kind of a year, I guess tomorrow is the real date. So I woke up and went for a nice run. Got home, did some laundry, cleaned a little and then took off for the church. Just like last year there were a lot of people there because of it being Memorial weekend and the cemetery being there. I pulled up and let myself into the church. The first thing I did was just stand there and think one year ago this was supposed to be us. I was supposed to be standing here looking at a gorgeous man at the other end of the aisle. We were supposed to be together forever under the covenant of God. I started crying immediately. Right now as I type this I'm fine. I think I got all my emotions out yesterday. I walked down the aisle and imagined that it would have been packed with people, Elaine would have been playing the wedding march, you would have been standing there with that beautiful grin on your face. We would have been lost in each others eyes; in our own little world. I thought about it until I was crying too much and then I sat in the pew and read prayers out of my prayer book. As I was in there a lady with her two grandchildren came in. She played the piano and the girls listened to her. It was nice, she played it very well. I overheard her tell her grandchildren she used to go to church there. I kept saying prayers. I was there for about a half n hour before I stood up and went to where you and I would have been standing, I closed my eyes and tried so hard to see your face and you in a suit/tux. I started crying again. It should've happened honey. We should be married right now. Why couldn't God at least waited until after we were married. I wanted more than anything ever to be your wife. I couldn't even get that. We were so close. I thought about having to drive back to Seattle to take my wedding dress back. How many people ever have to do that in their life? I thought about having to send our invitations back. You didn't even get to see them, they came the day after you died. Did you know we got a congratulations letter from Nordstroms, a congrats letter on our marriage. Sucks. I eventually left so I could make it to --- in time for my tattoo appointment. I randomly selected a tattoo place out of the phone book. At first I called the only place in ----, but they couldn't get me in until Tuesday. So I ditched them and went for the --- phonebook. I picked the first one that popped out at me and figured you or God would be guiding my decision. It was the only one that had a little mini box around their name and phone number, so I figured if they took the time to look professional in the phone book they would be okay. After I talked to the guy, I looked at the address and it was at the end of S---- and I thought, Oh great, the ghetto part of town. haha, how good could they be, but then again I thought, God wouldn't steer me wrong in something as major/meaningful as this. So my appt. was at 2, I get there and the guy seems pretty cool. He made my drawing a little bigger so the ink wouldn't run together over time (years) and we both agreed we were good to go. A different guy did my tattoo. Dan was his name. He did some additional touches to it. I had a plain cross. He added the cracks in it, colored it white (although you won't be able to see that until it completely heals) and put the shadows on it. All for free. The longer he took, the more we talked and I think the more we clicked. I think that's why he hooked me up with more than what I paid for. I think it's cool and I'm so proud to have this over my heart. I see it everyday and it's a reminder of you.

"of blessed/happy memories" is what the latin in the cross means. I thought latin would be cool because to me it symbolizes catholicism. i know it's a sin to get a tattoo, but I just had to. I'll go to confession (some day) :) and take care of that. I'm sure God will understand. :D The cross has got to count for something. The guys said if I brought people in they'd give me a super good deal on my next tat. I want two more. One underneath our wedding ring - basically a wedding ring tattoo with your initials or something like that, I haven't thought about that one too much and then the chicky poo & honey bunny from your memorial page. I haven't picked which one yet, probably the one in the clouds to symbolize us together in Heaven. I'll get that one on my hip, probably next year, either on the day you died or our anniversary. I'll save the wedding ring one for year 3, assuming I'm still around then. That will give me plenty of time to contemplate if that's something I want permanent. After my tat, I drove over by our old house, parked my car and went for a walk around the block in our old neighborhood. Our yard is overgrown with a lot of dandelions and it's weird, the new owners have a cooler just like ours sitting in the same spot ours was. Same color and everything, makes me think it's all better and I can just walk up in there and it will all be a bad dream. As I was walking around the block I called --- to tell her about Huggiez, my dinner with --- and to tell her about my tattoo. We eventually got on the subject of you and she asked if I really thought I'd never marry again. So I told her all my reasons why I knew I wouldn't. Of course, I don't eliminate any possibilities and I suppose I say that to people to shut them up, but in my mind, it seems impossible. I can't fathom anyone else ever in my life, it gives me the heebie jeebies. I can't even see how it would be possible to fall in love with anyone else besides you. I've talked about all this before, so I don't need to rehash it. ---- brought up, "wouldn't ---- want you to get married, be happy and have kids" You better not want that! I know you told ---- all you ever wanted for me if you died was to be happy - whatever that entailed. So that's what I try my best to be. Happiness doesn't mean I have to be in love, married, or have kids. I just think poor ---- associates me being single for the rest of my life with unhappiness or loneliness. I actually look forward to being old and alone. I wish I could fast forward time and be a retired old lady down in AZ just chillin. The nice thing about ---- is that she at least asks me questions like that and questions my beliefs and makes me think, I suppose that's why she's my best friend (besides you). Anyway, we had a good talk and we were talking as I walked by our place both times. I never really had a chance to let any emotions sink in about it. From there I drove down to our property. All the trees I planted last year died, which didn't surprise me considering the dry spell we had right after I planted them and me being in AZ unable to water them. Whoops, oh well, it's not like I have to pay for any of those trees and I have an endless supply so I'll keep planting more and more trees on our place until they finally take. Guess what? The tree I got for you from your funeral is dying too. Bummer. I thought I planted that one in a good spot, close enough to the creek and it was a lot more mature than the others. How could I kill a tree like that? Especially look at my job and I can't even keep a tree alive! :) Forgive me for that one. I will buy another one that's better anyway and plant it. A lilac, dogwood or something that's pretty with flowers. That's more like you, not a Doug Fir (weed of the forest). I sat on the dam and looked over where we were one week from breaking ground on our house. Everything about us was so close. I wondered what our property would look like a year later. Would our house be done? Would we have custody of -----? Would we be living there right now? Would I be commuting or would I even be working here? Where would you be working? Would our pond be done? Would you have gotten rid of that junker car? haha. Oh honey, I look at that old piece of junk and shake my head at you, yet laugh at the same time. Now I've got to get rid of that somehow! So I sat on the dam for awhile. I remember last year opening your pre-wedding present in that same spot. I was sooooo numb to everything back then. I guess that's how I've changed, I'm not so numb, but I sure wish I was. I almost like that stage better. Sometimes now, you feel so far away and I hate it. I absolutely hate growing apart like this! I eventually drove home and that was the end of my day. I can't remember anything else that I wanted to talk about. Tomorrow I will write you an anniversary letter since it's our official anniversary. I'm going to church and then probably someplace to lose myself in my laptop downloading some more music. I love you so much honey and I'm glad I had you to share this day with. Even though you weren't here physically I know you were with me. I can still feel you. I was thinking that today too. I much rather prefer to be by myself because at least by myself there are times when I know you are sitting beside me or just there. When I'm with people I can't feel you, needless to say, that is why I like being by myself so much, so I can be with you in a sense. Anyway honey, it's getting late and I'm going to bed. I love you more than anything ever and I can't wait until we get to see each other again! Love you forever and ever, your babygirl.