Life

What do I think about life? I don't know what is wrong with me, with how I feel about life. Why am I here. I'm so lonely. Why? How can this be? I don't feel like anyone could ever understand me or what I've been through. I was thinking the other day I had to return our wedding dress. I had to send back our invitations. I sat there and looked at that stuff. What did it symbolize? What I should have right now. I feel like I was supposed to have the world with you and now I have nothing. It's amazing how lost I feel, I want to escape everything, all of this. I don't think anyone can make me happy. I know they can't because I'm not happy myself. I don't know what I want. There are days when I want to leave it all behind....everything. Just go away and start over. Be by myself. Even be a nun. The only thing that makes me feel okay is God. I only feel okay in church, that is the honest to God's truth. It's the only place I feel peace in my heart, my mind and in my soul. I could listen to the preacher all day. Just sit there all day and listen. It's the ONLY thing that feels right in my life right now. You see me, I know you do. You feel me, I know you do. I wish I knew where to turn or what to do. I have no one. It's amazing when you're surrounded by so many people yet they mean nothing. They can't help me. I miss you. Life seems so pointless now. I really don't care about much, I'm so negative about everything. I exist and that is it. How can I get to the point where I feel good about my life? I have no confidence, I feel like I am a burden to everyone. I feel like I'm hiding everything from everyone and I'm inside myself all by myself. I wish I could just have it taken all away, these feelings, this pain, this hurt, this loneliness. I will live a life by myself, I can never share what I feel or how I feel - no one would understand and I don't want a pity party. I miss you, I miss that you cared about me from the bottom of your heart. I miss that I was your world and you were mine. You gave everything to me and in turn I gave it all to you. There is no feeling like that in the world. No one will ever treat me as good as you did. No one. I won't ever try to look, I will never be with another man again....ever. I can't picture it, I won't. I need you right now. I feel like I'm at the bottom and only you know. What am I going to do with my life? It's feels like it is spiraling out of control right now. Seriously out of control. I feel helpless in this world. I feel so unhappy in this world. All I do is TRY so hard everyday. I mean it. Everyday is an effort, is life supposed to be like this? Not for most people I bet. Everyday I have to put forth so much effort to be the best person I can be when all I want to do is shut the world out and get lost in my nothingness. But I'm trying. I'm trying so hard for you. As bad as I just want to give up I know you wouldn't want that. I make it everyday and I don't know how, but I do. I guess it's God, I guess it's faith. It's the only thing I believe in and that's the truth. I don't believe in life, I don't believe in anyone, I don't believe anything will last .... at all. I can't have faith that anyone or anything will be there for me. Nothing is forever and I just feel like I am waiting for it all to end. Everything, my friendships, my relationships, my jobs, my money, my house....it's all going to end. Something bad will happen and it's all going to leave or get taken away. I know it. That is what I feel is for sure in this life, it's the only thing I'm sure of besides God. I will lose it all. I hate knowing that everything I treasure and love will leave me or I will lose it. So everyday is a waiting game, when will it all come crashing down. If I stay down, I won't fall far. If I give of myself to anyone/anything too much then I will fall far when I lose it. I don't ever want that pain again, ever. I don't know what to do honey. I've lost it all. Not just you, but I've lost my heart, I've lost my belief in ever being truly happy again. I feel empty and lost. I'm not sure how to go about life when everyday I feel like giving up. It's been almost two years and nothing is better. There have been band-aids that mask it all or make me forget for awhile, but why is it like a sore that festers. Why won't this go away, no matter how hard I try to forget or push away, it's always there and it can't be denied. I try to push it in and it's not working anymore, but there's no point for it to be out. Either way I feel miserable and sad. It's a no-win situation and I'm the big loser. My life is empty and pointless. I wish things were different. All I want is to be happy again. I don't know how to do it honey. I have no clue. Please help me, I'm so sad and lonely. All I want is to be where you are....away from all this hurt and pain. Please don't forget about me hon, I do need you. I don't think that will ever change. I love you so much. You're in my heart forever and I'll love you forever. Love your Babygirl.