i'm so pathetic. i hate my life. anything i've ever loved leaves me or is taken from me. i will never let anyone get close to me again. i don't know what i've done that's so bad. i feel like my whole life is pain. i miss you so bad. i hate life on earth without you. i wish i could just die right now. i'm so fucking stupid and i know god is a forgiving god but he must just look at me and shake his head in disgust. i can't do anything right. the only way for me to get life right is to just seclude myself and be alone. i feel like such a failure at life. i haven't gotten one thing right in my life. it's been one fuck up after another. i have a good heart and i try but i'm never good enough. i feel so worthless right now. i just wish i could die right now. i try so hard to be a good person, i try so hard and i always fail. always. i have lost so much in my life and look where i am today. i am 35 years old with nothing to show for it. no house, no money and a dead husband. i am a failure. god, you can take me now. i have nothing to live for except so that my family can see me. i can't heal from this one. i can't heal from losing you. i feel like my life has spiraled downhill since you have died. one minute i had the world and now i have absolutely nothing. i don't care about anything anymore. i have no hope, no dreams, no cares. fuck everything. i don't want to work, i don't want friends, i don't want to live anymore. my life has been one big mistake. why am i here? what good am i doing on this earth? i bring nothing to this earth. i'm a fucking dead beat who wants nothing but to give love and receive it and i can't even get that right. i don't cheat on people, i don't party, i don't do secret weirdo stuff, i don't treat others bad. i am so loyal, i have a big heart, i want others to be happier than me, i think i'm normal, yet i can't get life right. what am i doing wrong? i wish god would help me....i'm so tired of this battle, i'm so tired of fighting. right now i am so ready to give up. nothing matters to me anymore. nothing. i want to just pack it all up and move far away and never see anyone again. i think i should be a nun. i can't handle this normal life and i feel like i am a joke to everyone. i need your help god. i need it tonight more than ever. my life is a whirl wind out of control and i don't know what to do. please help me.
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