Please Forgive Me!!!!

Obviously it's been awhile since I've written to you. I guess I thought if I just got out of here and didn't think of you - yeah, for 7 months, you would go away and I would get better. It didn't work, you're always there demanding my attention. Even though it was 7 months, I promise I thought of you everyday, you know that. Towards the end I just couldn't take it anymore. I guess I'm not over you. I don't know how to go on with my life without taking you with me. On one hand the only way to move forward is to put the past behind me, but I just can't. How am I supposed to move on and be happy again if at the core of my being is sadness. First order of business is to apologize more than I could ever put into words. I'm sorry for neglecting you for so long. Even though you popped into my head everyday I shoved you back, that was wrong. Everything I did was wrong I see now. I am SO mad at myself for ruining the sacredness that we had. I am so mad!! I stopped writing you your monthly anniversary letter. I stopped writing letters and emails to you. I stopped doing this blog. I stopped lighting candles for you and stopped updating your memory-of page. I messed up everything. I owe you everything and I let you down. I hate what I did to you. I hate myself for doing what I did. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. I hope you can, but I think you are looking down on me wondering who is that person? She is not the girl I fell in love with. God is a forgiving God so I know HE forgives me, but HE is also shaking his head at me. It is hard to live with myself. I can't help but to think if you would have never died my life would be normal and happy. None of this would have happened. Ugh, I hate that I mess everything up. I'm at a loss for words, I'm so ashamed and embarrassed for trying to ignore the one person who was/is my everything. You would NEVER in a million years hurt me and I feel like I did just that to you. I'm so, so sorry honey. Please forgive me. I'm so lonely and lost and confused. I don't know what I want or what I need or even what to do to fix this. All I want is you. I just want us to be back together again. I feel so far away from you now and I hate that, I want to feel close to you. I want you in my life everyday. I don't want to feel like you are a million miles away. You've always felt close to me until I pushed you away. What a mistake. Please come back, I promise I won't do it again. I promise! Why did God do this to us? I waited my whole life for you and now you are gone. No one will ever be as good as you. Why did God take you away from all of us? I miss you. I miss you so much my heart is crying. Could you please give me a sign that you still love me? I need to know you are still okay with me, that you haven't abandoned me. I didn't mean to let you down, I thought what I did was okay for a little bit, but after awhile I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I'm so sorry for avoiding you and shoving you far, far away. Please still love me. Please. Please send me some sort of sign. You are the only person I need in my life - even if you are in a different place, I need you in my life. I love you honey. I love you soooo much. I wish you never died. I miss us. Love you forever my K-dub. xoxoxoxo