Just How It Is

Why do I exist? I'm neither happy nor sad, in fact I'm rather numb. Mother Angelica on EWTN asked her audience today, How many are ready to die right now? I've been ready to die since you died. Why am I here, I feel nothing. Nothing motivates me anymore. I read the Catholic newspaper, my Catholic books, I listen to the Catholic Channel on Sirius, I watch EWTN on television, I read Catholic blogs on the internet. I go to church every Sunday, even during the weekdays when I was in Pokie. I'm trying to commit myself, I feel a calling of sorts. I always wonder if I just gave it all up and became a nun, could I do it? Why don't I? I guess because as much as I devote myself now I have no guidance, no direction. I'm blindly reading this and that. And even as I commit myself I still feel this emptiness inside of me. I didn't think I was supposed to feel that way. I don't know what the emptiness is, but I thought God could fill all voids, just believe in him. Oh, I'm so blah. I'm a zombie going through the motions of life. I don't even know how I feel about you anymore. I try to get back that longing and love I had for you and while it's there, it just seems so far away. My day does not revolve around you anymore, my thoughts don't revolve around you anymore. Sure, I think of you off and on everyday, but I don't become fixated on you like I used to. I even try, just to have something in my life I can be passionate about. As much as I hate to say this, it's not you anymore. I can't dig that passion up anymore. I love you and respect you, but my life doesn't revolve around you anymore. I don't know how to feel about it. At least when I longed for you every second of every day I had something to occupy my time, now I think of other things all day or nothing at all. So anyway, here I sit and I want nothing in my life. I've been hurt too much to want any more human closeness. Friends & family and that is it. I guess I just want to be by myself and suffer this life for Christ and honestly wish death. If it's his will to suffer until I'm 100, so be it, I can do that, but if it's also in his will to die tomorrow I'll welcome it with open arms. This life just isn't for me. I'm sorry, I feel like a failure on us and it's over and I've given up and I don't want the memories anymore, I just want to be alone. Is that bad? Probably, I'm sorry. You know I love you and you know I can't control how I feel, this is just how it is.