I went to PF tonight to get our plans. I really can't handle driving around up there ... I get too much anxiety. EVERY road has a memory of you. That is no joke!! I drove down the street in front of your house & the last time I stood on the steps to your house I watched you drive away for the very LAST time. That was the last place I saw you. How do we ever know when it's going to be the last time we ever see someone? Who would have ever known when I watched you drive down the street it would be the last time EVER I'd see you. And why did this happen to me? I waited 30 years for you. This happens to other people. People you read about, people who live far away, people we don't know. This doesn't happen to anyone I know ... and why me? Of everyone in this world, why was it me? Why did he take you when you were the happiest you had ever been in your life? Why does God work that way? We had it all honey. I don't get it. I still struggle, yes, some days/weeks more than others. I know that there are things that define me & that will be with me FOREVER. This will always be with me. How can I ever forget any of what we had. Everything makes me think of you and/or us. I went to WalMart today & thought of ALL the times we walked through that parking lot. Radio Shack was there, all the times we went there for our Sirius radios. I followed a dad & his daughter in the parking lot & sometimes I catch myself spaced off and staring cuz I lose myself in our memories cuz the little girl sounded just like ------, laughing and commenting on how much she liked something. Watching them reminded me of you & ------. And here I am following them & gawking at them...sometimes I'm glad people don't catch me at those moments...they would think I'm a freak the way I space off and look lost in la-la land. It happens a lot. The whole time I was in Wal-Mart I looked at everyone ... looking for YOU. Yes, I still do that. Everytime I go to PF or CDA I look for you & ya know what I think ... what if he's still alive and he's up here alive and well ...and for some reason he's not really dead. Sometimes I really think you might just pop up one of these days & we'll be reunited again. Ya know when I was listening to that girl laugh & thinking of ------. I was thinking how much she laughed back then. Kdub, she was happy. Wasn't she? She loved us all together, we were her strength. We made her the happiest she's ever been too. I wonder if she misses us all together as much as I do? When I drove by your house I wondered if ------- ever longs to drive by our old place like I do? She must. I feel horrible that I haven't been there for her like I should be. If it all would've been different, we'd all be together now. I'm pretty lost these days without you & most times I'm SURE there will NEVER be anyone else. I see myself alone w/ our memories for the rest of my life. If I even live that long cuz there are times I truly believe that God takes us when we are the most happy & I envision finishing our house & being happy with everything & then God will take me. I can see it getting finished at the end of next summer, I live in it for a week & then go to Oly & then God takes me. Everyone will think it's so sad cuz "she never even had a chance to enjoy her house" It's true, that's what I think. God takes us all when we are happiest & he takes the good ones early. I'll either die early or live a life of aloneness, thinking of you forever. It's okay though cuz you're all I ever wanted. I miss you babe & I'll see you when I get there. I can't wait. 1<3
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