Nov 28, 2008

Widow - That's Me



An American woman who was recognised as the world's oldest person for a year has died at the age of 115.
Edna Parker died at a nursing home in Indiana, her family said.
Mrs Parker had been a widow since 1939 and had lived alone in her farmhouse until she was 100. She outlived her two sons, and had 31 other descendants.
(THAT WILL BE ME)

widow bride - that's me. look at that pix hon. I lived that...I bought my dress & had to return it...seriously how many people have ever had to return a wedding dress cuz their fiance died? I bet not very many. No one can EVER understand the pain that it brings & still does to this day. No one.

Nov 24, 2008

Dreams Are All I Need

I truly believe that I'll never need or want anybody as long as I have my dreams. I swear that to God. As long as I have dreams of you, that's all I need in this life.....I am so certain of that. Having you in my dreams motivates me to keep going & reassures me you are out there somewhere. And I know as long as you are out there you are looking out for me! That's all I need in this life to keep me going. I'm like a dream junkie.....I get one "fix" and I'm good to go for however long, but soon it starts to fade and I need another dream.....I long for another dream. I beg, plead, pray for dreams & when I finally get them....ahhh, a relief, you are out there!!!
Honey, I love you.....you meant the world to me when you were alive & you still do. I hope wherever you are you are living the high life because you deserve the nothing less than the BEST cuz that's what you are!
I love you honey....always & forever - your babygirl. xoxox

Death An Occassion For Gratitude???

This article made me think of you ... I seem to do that a lot. I love you hon! (Gawd, I miss you!!)

Leave the selfishness out of your gratitude

By ANTHONY B. ROBINSON
GUEST COLUMNIST

AROUND THIS TIME a couple of years ago I heard a sermon titled, "The Attitude of Gratitude." Sort of catchy, don't you think -- rhyming and all. But something about that title and the sermon bothered me.

"The Attitude of Gratitude" sermon made it all about us, exhorting us to get our attitudes cleaned up and ship shape. The bothersome thing was that it was mostly about us. Gratitude became another thing to do, another project, another adventure in self-improvement. And should we manage it or manufacture it, gratitude was then our proud accomplishment to be set alongside the other signs of a successful life. In addition to all that was spread on the table, we could congratulate ourselves that we were properly grateful. It was enough to make me grumpy.

A year later I heard another sermon, this one titled "The Gift of Gratitude." Somehow that seemed closer to the mark.

Gratitude is a gift and not something we achieve like teeth without cavities, better grades or the loss of five pounds. "The Gift of Gratitude" pointed us beyond ourselves to the Giver, to a source and power, a truth and grace beyond ourselves.

There is to the spiritual life an unavoidable aspect of self-forgetfulness. It's not about you. Gratitude is less our accomplishment or proper attitude than it is a gift -- a gift that comes often at the strangest and most unexpected of times. Like, for instance, when death occurs. You wouldn't think death would be an occasion for gratitude. To be sure, it is not our first or perhaps our primary response to death. And yet in the face and presence of death, the large mystery and sheer and extraordinary gift of life can be nearly overwhelming.

Gratitude has less to do with getting our attitudes cleaned up than it does with being set free from an anxious preoccupation with ourselves.

Recently I spoke at a church in Brooklyn, a great and historic church: Plymouth Church of the Pilgrims. Students of American history will know it as the pulpit of Henry Ward Beecher, leader of the 19th-century abolitionist movement. The church was known as the Grand Central Station of the Underground Railroad taking escaped slaves to freedom.

Sometimes greatness is, for churches, a mixed blessing. It has been for Plymouth Church. In the wake of historic prominence, the church had been so taken with itself and its golden era that its present life faded and faltered. In the closing years of the 20th century, a bare 50 people huddled in the grand sanctuary with seating for 800.

But in recent years, something has shifted. New people have come, the congregation is connecting with the community in a host of ways, and where there were once only elderly folks, there is now a rich mix of generations.

I asked a member of the congregation how this renewal had happened.

"It wasn't all our new minister, but he has sure helped," he said.

"How?" I asked. "What has he done?"

"Well, he got us studying the Bible, and his Bible studies are really great. In fact, he distilled the message of the whole Bible down to six words."

The message of the Bible in six words. I thought to myself, either this guy is a genius or a charlatan.

"And what might those six words be?"

Grinning, the man answered, "I am God, and you're not."

It was apparently just what the doctor ordered for a congregation that had gotten an overdose of its own importance. It's not about you.

I was reminded of the man I sat next to on an airplane not long ago. We got to talking and John told me about his journey from death to life through AA. He said he keeps a sign posted on his refrigerator that reads, "There is a God, John, and it's not you."

Telling folks to get an "Attitude of Gratitude" sounds good, I suppose.

But the heart of gratitude has less to do with us trying harder and more to do with us forgetting about ourselves, turning to a power and mystery, a beauty and a mercy, so much greater than ourselves.

Gratitude, too, it turns out, is a gift. A blessed Thanksgiving to all.

Anthony Robinson, a pastor of the United Church of Christ, is a speaker and teacher. He can be reached at anthonybrobinson@comcast.net.

Nov 21, 2008

Firsts




Today is the day hon.
My first day back to coaching (and a game at that).
My first day permanently moving your wedding ring to my right hand to show widow status.
And I'll wear the outfit today that I wore at your funeral.
I'd write more but I gotta run & go pick up the van for the team.
I love you so much & I know you'll be with me today. Wish us luck!
Miss you tons n tons & I looooooove you soooo much honey!!!

Nov 13, 2008

Wish It Was Different




Hey beautiful. I tried calling ----- tonight. I talked to ____ twice, but no luck with ------. She has her own phone now, but didn't answer, so I left her a message. I really hope I can talk to her. I just wish it wasn't like this. I wish I could see her more. I want to spend more time with her. I hope she's doing okay - it's so hard to tell by talking to her ... only by seeing her do I really know. She always seems to be so happy around me & it's all better for just a little bit. We both love you so much! Not to mention we always bring you up when were together. I can only talk about you "normal" with her (or your mom). ----- isn't afraid to ask questions about where you are. I love talking to her about you BUT it makes me so sad & I try SO hard not to get teary eyed. I must be strong for ------'s sake cuz I've noticed she'll stop talking about you if she sees it makes me sad. I always know after I get off the phone with her or drive away from seeing her I break down. It's so hard to see or talk to -----, probably not a lot of people would understand the emotions that go with seeing someone who symbolizes you. With you came ----- - you were two peas in a pod. Not one without the other....whenever I'm with her the void is huge. You are SUPPOSED to be with us ... it was never meant for us to be alone. It's a really hard pill to swallow. So I want to apologize for being a chickenshit now & not making ----- more of a priority ... what am I thinking. It hurts so I avoid it....I try honey. I do, it just never feels like I try hard enough. Or I'm never good enough. How can I save -----? I'm here for her always...I hope she knows that. I tell her that. I email her, I myspace her, I call her, but I haven't seen her enough recently. I'm not proud of that. I need to fix that. Someday I'll have a good house where she can stay. I'll have some extra money, so I can afford to drive a million miles to get her and take her home (Lord knows her mom won't !!) I'll have a better car ... blah, blah, blah. Excuses huh? I suck. I'm sorry. I will get that house and she will have her own room. She will be so happy. I promise she will be the first invited person to spend the night. That WILL make me cry cuz YOU were SUPPOSED to be in our first house with us. I don't even want to think about this now cuz I'm ready to cry now. I wish it was ALL different. I'm sad now, sorry honey. I gotta run. I LOVE YOU!!! Your honey bunny forever. ONE.

Second Life

This sums it up for the night ....G'night beautiful, I love you more than "this life" itself!!

A Second Best Life

Life without you is second best
I guess I'll get by
I'm lonelier today
Than I'd dare to say
To anyone who asks

I Miss You + Flowers

I Miss You

Lonely Without You

Missing You So Much

You & Me Hon!!

I Want A Guy


I had this guy ..... YOU!! Love you my Kdub!!


I LOVE YOU

Pix To Show You How Much I Love You




I just wanted to send you some little pix to let you know I'm thinking of you tonight! Love you forever hon!!







Nov 12, 2008

Gilbert Parker Quotes




Every shot that kills ricochets.

Gilbert Parker

Man is born in a day, and he dies in a day, and the thing is easily over; but to have a sick heart for three-fourths of one's lifetime is simply to have death renewed every morning; and life at that price is not worth living.
Gilbert Parker

Memory is man's greatest friend and worst enemy.
Gilbert Parker

Couples



Yet again another reason why I think "If Kdub was still here I wouldn't be doing this .... "
This morning I had to run from M to P (13 or 14 miles one way from moms to _____ tire) in the wind that was blowing so hard that I could hardly even walk into it at times. Yeah I ran into this wind, it had to have been sustained 20 or 25, maybe 30 with gusts to 50. That was the prediction - gusts to 50. It was a miserable run w/ rain and wind and my foot hurt sooo bad. Of course I thought to myself, "if I was like anybody else I know, they're married and have someone to give them rides and pick them up when their car is getting worked on" Crap I wouldn't even be driving this car if you were still here. Oh well, what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.
Gotta run, doing some mandatory credit card training for work .... just wanted you to know I was thinking about you today (like usual - whats new!!)
:-) hugs n kisses beautiful. I love you!!
(I looked the next day .. it was sustained 25-35)

Nov 11, 2008

FWD: Miss You Video Compilation

Honey, look at this - my new favorite song from Candlebox & I can submit your picture and they'll put it in a video & post it on their site. This is so cool!!
One of my favorite bands & my favorite guy!! I LOVE YOU HON!!



Attached Message
From: webmaster@candleboxrocks.com
To:
Subject: "Miss You" video Compilation
Date: Tue, 11 Nov 2008 13:24:54 -0600
11.11.08


"Miss You" video compilation

In support of the new single "Miss You," the band asks for your
collaboration in honoring the memory of the loved ones in your life
that have passed on, but remain in your heart. For more on this
collaboration between the band & fans from Kevin, and to take part,
head over to Cage Rattle <http://candlebox.cagerattle.com/missyou/>
.



Nov 10, 2008

On The Way Down

This song makes me cry: Ryan Cabrera - On The Way Down
* I won't forget the way you loved me *
Sick and Tired of this world
There's no more air
Trippin' over myself
Goin' nowhere
Waiting
Suffocating
No direction
And I took a dive

And on the way down
I saw you
And you saved me
From myself
And I won't forget
The way you loved me
On the way down
Almost fell right through
But I held onto you

I've been wondering why
It's only me
Have you always been inside
Waiting to breathe
It's alright
Sunlight
On my face
I wake up and yeah, I'm alive
'cause on the way down
I saw you
And you saved me
From myself
And I won't forget
The way you loved me
On the way down
Almost fell right through
But I held onto you

I was so afraid
Of going under
But now
The weight of the world
Feels like nothing, no, nothing

Down, down, down
You're all I wanted
Down, down, down
You're all I needed
Down, down, down
You're all I wanted
You're all I needed

And I won't forget the way you loved me
All that I wanted
All that I needed
On the way down
I saw you
And you saved me
From myself
And I won't forget
The way you loved me
On the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held onto you

Down, down, down
But I held onto you
Down, down, down
But I held onto you

Here I Love You

Here I Love You



Here I love you and the horizon hides you in vain.
I love you still among these cold things.
Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels
that cross the sea towards no arrival.
I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.

The piers sadden when the afternoon moors there.
My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.
I love what I do not have. You are so far.
My loathing wrestles with the slow twilights.
But night comes and starts to sing to me.

The moon turns its clockwork dream.
The biggest stars look at me with your eyes.
And as I love you, the pines in the wind
want to sing your name with their leaves of wire.

Pathways

Pathways



Understand, I'll slip quietly away
from the noisy crowd
when I see the pale stars rising,
blooming, over the oaks.

I'll pursue solitary pathways
through the pale twilight meadows,
with only this one dream:
You come too.

My Heart

My Heart

My heart will never seek another heart,
Or smell another flower, knowing you.
Your love has made heart's field a desert waste;
No love other than yours grows in that place.

Sea Of Heartbreak

Sea Of Heartbreak


The lights In the harbor
Don't shine for me
I'm like a lost ship adrift on the sea
Sea of heartbreak
Lost love and loneliness
Memories of your caress
So divine I wish you were mine
Again my dear
I am on this sea of tears
Sea of heartbreak

~~ Johnny Cash

Beautiful In My Eyes

Beautiful In My Eyes



The world will turn and the seasons will change,
and all the lessons we will learn will be beautiful and strange.
We'll have our fill of tears, our share of sighs.
My only prayer is that you realize
you'll always be beautiful in my eyes.

The passing years will show that you will always grow
ever more beautiful in my eyes.

~~ Joshua Kadison

As The World Falls Down

As The World Falls Down


There's such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I'll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you
As the world falls down

I'll paint you mornings of gold
I'll spin you Valentine evenings
Though we're strangers till now
We're choosing the path between the stars
I'll leave my love between the stars

~~ Bowie

Do You Love Me

Do You Love Me ...


A lover asked his beloved,
Do you love yourself more than you love me?
Beloved replied,
I have died to myself and I live for you.
I've disappeared from myself and my attributes,
I am present only for you
I've forgotten all my learnings,
But from knowing you I've become a scholar.
I've lost all my strength,
But from your power I am able.
I love myself...I love you.
I love you...I love myself.

I am your lover, come to my side,
I will open the gate to your love.
Come settle with me,
Let us be neighbors to the stars.
You have been hiding so long,
Endlessly drifting in the sea of my love.
Even so, you have always been connected to me.
Concealed, revealed,
In the unknown, in the un-manifest.
I am life itself.

~ D. Chopra

Unlovable

Unlovable


I wear Black on the outside
Because Black is how I feel on the inside
And if I seem a little strange
Well, that's because I am

I know I'm unlovable
You don't have to tell me
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours

~~ The Smiths

Imperfect Moon

Imperfect Moon




Take a look at the moon's stains !
They are footprints , footprints from my shoes
when i brought you stars from there!

Possession

Possession


Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide
Voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time
The night is my companion, and solitude my guide
Would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?

And I would be the one to hold you down
Kiss you so hard I'll take your breath away
And after, i'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes, dear

Through this world i've stumbled so many times
Betrayed trying to find an honest word
To find the truth enslaved
Ohh, you speak to me in riddles
And you speak to me in rhymes
My body aches to breathe your breath
Your words keep me alive

And I would be the one to hold you down
Kiss you so hard I'll take your breath away
And then, i'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes, dear

Into this night I wander
It's morning that I dread
Another day of knowing the path
I fear to tread into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
Nothing stands between us here
And I won't be denied

And I would be the one to hold you down
Kiss you so hard I'll take your breath away
And then, i'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes.

~~ Sarah Mclachlan

Imagination & Dreams

Imagination & Dreams



"The eye sees a thing more clearly in dreams than the imagination awake."

--Leonardo da Vinci

All That I Am

All That I Am


I am the one winged bird for flying
Sinking quickly to the ground
See your faith in me subsiding
See you prime for giving in
I give you all that I am

I am the sound of love's arriving
Echoed softly on the sand
Lay your head upon my shoulder
Lay your hand within my hand
I give you all that I am

And I breathe so you can breathe
Let me stand where you stand
With all that I am

I am the white dove for a soldier
Ever marching as to war
I would give my life to save you
I stand guarding at your door
I give you all that I am

I am the one winged bird for flying
Sinking quickly to the ground
I am the blind man for a watchdog
I am prime for giving in
I'll show you all that I am

And I breathe so can you breathe
Let me stand so you'll stand
With all that I am

~~ Rob Thomas

Beyond The Sea

Beyond The Sea


Somewhere beyond the sea
Somewhere waiting for me
My lover stands on golden sands
And watches the ships that go sailing

Somewhere beyond the sea
He's there watching for me
If I could fly like birds on high
And into his arms I'd go sailing

It's far yeah beyond the stars
It's near beyond the moon
I know beyond a doubt
My cares will take me soon

We'll meet beyond the shore
We'll kiss just as before
Happy we'll be beyond the sea
And never again I'll go sailing

We'll meet I know we'll meet
Beyond the shore
We'll kiss just as before
Happy we'll be beyond the sea
And never again I'll go sailing

Together you and me
Beyond the sea
Beyond the sea

~~ Will Young

All We Ever Find

All We Ever Find


Tell me all your dreams
What you think love means
We'll lock the world outside
Embrace the gift of time
Promising forever
Knowing that this moment might be
All we ever find

Every breath of who you are
Tells a story that I love
I have finally found the truth in what I see in you
And what I feel with every touch
The simple beauty of your heart
In every breath of who you are

~~ Tim McGraw

Under The Harvest Moon

Under The Harvest Moon


Under the harvest moon,
When the soft silver
Drips shimmering
Over the garden nights,
Death, the gray mocker,
Comes and whispers to you
As a beautiful friend
Who remembers.

Under the summer roses
When the flagrant crimson
Lurks in the dusk
Of the wild red leaves,
Love, with little hands,
Comes and touches you
With a thousand memories,
And asks you
Beautiful, unanswerable questions.

~~ Carl Sandburg

Little Trip To Heaven

Little Trip To Heaven



Little trip to heaven on the wings of your love
Banana moon is shining in the sky
I feel like I'm in heaven when you're with me
I know that I'm in heaven when you smile
Though we're stuck here on the ground
I got something I've found
And it's you
~~ Tom Waits

Look After You

Look After You

(please look after me hon - I do need you!!)



There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you
And I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own


~~ The Fray

Reflections

Reflections



I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'til the landslide brought it down
Oh, mirror in the sky -What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin'...ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know.....I don't know

Well I've been afraid of changin'
because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older too....
So, take my love...take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills...
well the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down

~~ Stevie Nicks

Vapour Trails

Vapour Trail



First you look so strong
Then you fade away
The sun will blind my eyes
I love you anyway
Thirsty for your smile
I watch you for a while
You are a vapour trail
In a deep blue sky
Tremble with a sigh
Glitter in your eye
You seem to come and go
I never seem to know
And all my time
Is yours as much as mine
We never have enough
Time to show our love

~~ Ride

Book Of Love

Book of Love



The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It’s full of charts and facts and figures
And instructions for dancing
But I…
I love it when you read to me
And you…
You can read me anything
The book of love has music in it
In fact that’s where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb
But I…
I love it when you sing to me
And you…
You can sing me anything

The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It’s full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we’re all too young to know

~~ Peter Gabriel

Everlong

Everlong



Breath out
So I can breathe you in
Hold you in

And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head, I sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
Gotta promise not to stop when I say, when


And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
Gotta promise not to stop when I say, when...

~~ Foo Fighters

You Are My Joy

You Are My Joy



I won't be there to break your sweet heart
But not being there might break your sweet heart

You are my joy - you are my joy
You are my joy - you are my joy

If I could cradle you into my arms
I would cradle you tight in my arms - always

So don't be scared of all the hurtful words
Cause in the end they'll hurt themselves much more

You are my joy - you are my joy


~~ Reindeer Section

Written In The Stars

Written In The Stars



Never wonder what I'll feel as living shuffles by
You don't have to ask me and I need not reply
Every moment of my life from now until I die
I will think or dream of you and fail to understand
How a perfect love can be confounded out of hand

Is it written in the stars
Are we paying for some crime
Is that all that we are good for
Just a stretch of mortal time

Is this God's experiment
In which we have no say
In which we're given paradise
But only for a day

Nothing can be altered, there is nothing to decide
No escape, no change of heart, no anyplace to hide
You are all I'll ever want, but this I am denied
Sometimes in my darkest thoughts, I wish I'd never learned
What it is to be in love and have that love returned

~~ Elton John & Leann Rimes

Wish You Were Here