Time Alone With You

My update to you is I finally feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders ... by that I mean I'm not staying @ moms or grandmas (God bless them), I'm someplace that feels like HOME. All last summer I never really had a place where I could go be alone & share time with you. I feel so guilty saying this, but the time I want to spend with you is getting fewer and further between. Tonight is one of those nights, finally .... I stay up too late I know, but sometimes I just feel like I have this connection with you and you are here and I don't want to go to bed - it's our time together. I want to "grieve" ... I don't cry, but I somewhat look at your pictures, I read things I wrote in "the beginning", I look at widow sites on the internet. I guess I devote a night to you and I feel you. You know what's funny, I still can't look at your pictures ... like really look at them. I can whiz through them and be okay, but I can't just stare at a picture of you. It HURTS. I can't do it. Does that mean I'm not over you? Does it mean that is one area I haven't faced and conquered? Does guilt prevent me from looking you in the eye in your portrait pix. I'm not sure, it's weird to me & I don't understand it, so I guess I'll leave it at that. Tonight I was looking at some widow forums/boards/sites/blogs and I don't get this honey. Not at all. There are people out there dating right after their loved one dies ... or taking off their ring weeks or months after they die. Wow! OK, the ring - everyone will have their timeline, BUT I tried taking it off & there was no way....I felt naked, vulnerable ... like you weren't with me anymore. Like you weren't a part of me, there to protect me. Putting it on my right hand is weird enough, but in doing so I hope to prevent awkward moments that all us widows know about. I figured coaching all these girls, they'd be bound to ask about "my husband" if I had my ring on the left hand. I just don't want to have to bring it up & then everyone's first reaction is that of "I'm sorry" and they get all sad/awkward or give me sympathy that I don't want. So anyhow, it's on the right hand now and I still don't see a time in my future when I'll take it off. Than the whole dating thing. NO WAY!! Honey, I can't even fathom some other guy holding me or touching me. YUCK ... all I think about is you & another man seriously makes me cringe. I seriously can't imagine anyone as good as you. I just wish you'd come back. I'm starting to cry now because sometimes I know my fate & it's a lonely one and you were the one...and I can't believe we aren't together right now. I guess I just have little moments of sadness that it all turned out this way. I always look at where I am now and my life and KNOW that I'm here because you died. I KNOW I wouldn't be here right now if you were alive. Anyway, I guess I just don't get the whole dating thing and why people are in such a hurry. Yes, I miss companionship and being loved and being held BUT by you ... not some other icky man. I guess I will know that I'm okay to date when you aren't the one I picture when I want to have a hug. Or I can imagine being kissed by someone other than you without cringing and thinking it's gross. I have so many other random thoughts about us throughout the day and wish I could be at this computer right then and there so I could put them to words and send them to you....so now here I sit and I know there was something today that I thought on the way to church AND it was so poignant, but now it escapes me and for whatever reason I just can't focus enough to remember what exactly it was. Dang it. So I guess I will call it a night and maybe (probably) as I'm drifting off to dreamland I'll think of it. I sure love you with all my heart and if I'm a widow for the rest of my life I'm okay with that cuz honey you made it all worth it. You were the best! I love you beautiful!! One love.