Feb 17, 2011

How Do You Tell People



So I wonder how I tell people who ask me about being with someone else. If I say I don't want to be with anyone else, it has an overtone like I'm not over you or I have a FEAR of being hurt again....ok, maybe both are true, but in my heart I don't feel that they are. Of course I'll never be over loving you. You were the best thing that ever happened in my life & you were so perfect...that love just doesn't disappear & it never will. But I am over your death ... I mean it happened and you are gone & my life has gone on. Its not my choice to be without you, but it's the hand I was dealt & God has a reason for everything. I have faith that this is always how it was supposed to be. I know that God never meant for us to be together forever .. I don't know why & I don't over analyze it or try to figure it out. It just is, so with that yes, I am over you dying. The fear of being hurt again...I just don't buy that, because the issue I have is every time I'm doing something fun or laugh I always think how cool it would be if you were there .. .and then it feels like you are there. If I've ever tried to imagine someone else laughing with me or doing anything with me, it's impossible. Seriously, that is the issue, not that someone will hurt me or leave me, but even having someone in my life .... because I feel like NO ONE in this whole world can compare to you. The thing is that it's okay, I would have liked to share my life with somebody & what it all comes down to is that someone was YOU. I try to imagine traveling with someone else. I try to imagine cooking dinner for someone else. I try to imagine cuddling on the couch and watching TV with someone else. A lot of times I try to imagine it, but it lasts about 2 seconds & it gives me the heebie jeebies ... ugh, gross. I don't want to share any of that stuff with anyone else .. besides you, but since you are gone, it's just me. I'm okay with that. I really am. As long as I have God, my family, my friends & something to occupy my time (job, coaching, traveling, music, etc) I'll be okay. Really. I really do feel okay with that. And I really do realize it could be for the rest of my life & I'm okay with that too. I'm pretty sure I'm not fooling myself ... I guess that's where you & God come in. If I need someone else in my life I bet you will send me someone who will sweep me off my feet, lol, because that's what it's going to have to take! I don't know hon, do you think I'm fooling myself & deep down I am afraid to commit again? I guess I don't think I am, but you & for sure God know me better than even I do. So anyway, I guess the whole point of writing you was, how do I tell people? I just tell them, but it's like everyone thinks I'm full of it & "oh, you'll find someone" or "oh, you'll love again" I just feel like no one can understand where I'm coming from. I have Jesus in my heart & that is all I need. I can get by just fine with that .. but so many people (especially the ones that don't have a strong faith) think it's not possible or I'm just fooling myself or I'm lying ... or ???. I don't know what they think, but anyway I just wanted you to know that you will always be #1 in my heart (besides God) until the day I die and we are reunited again!! Until then I'm really excited to live this life to the fullest & I'm anxious to see where the Lord leads me....it's like an adventure! :-)
So honey, I love you tons & tons & forever & ever!!! My 1 <3. xoxoxox 4eva

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