I Need Your Love

Honey, I am writing you because I feel I'm at an end or a crossroads. I really wish more than anything in the whole world you were here. I would give up every single thing that I own to have you back. I have worked hard to achieve my goals & I am proud of where I am, where I'm going (in regards to my faith) and although it's very shallow and materialistic, I am proud of what I have (house & car). I have worked hard and saved to have what we should have had together. But I am lonely without you. I feel I have NOTHING without you. I struggle everyday to find purpose in my life now. I can go on without you and I am mentally prepared that is what I must do. I'm okay with that, but I am really struggling with my job. I do not like it & I need something new honey. I just don't know what that is??? I made a commitment to the shot crew and I feel obligated to honor it, but it has been so hard for me this spring and winter to motivate myself to exercise and get myself to the physical shape I need to be in. It is not too late & I can do this. I'm still very discouraged from last spring where I worked my ass off to be in amazing shape yet it was not good enough. As you saw, I struggled & it was not pleasant. I am not looking forward to another summer of that and I don't know what to change to make myself get into better shape. I need your help there, the anxiety of it all is killing me and I have no one to talk to and no support. I wish you were here. I wish this wasn't my job. I admit it, I am too old to do what I'm about to do - another summer of "shottin" I am trying so hard to become a better Catholic & I really do have all the faith in the world about our Lord, our God. I am reading the Bible & I love church and it truly is the most important thing in my life. So I am praying to God, but I feel like I'm not good enough with my faith for him to answer any prayers of help I have. I feel like my anxiety about my job keeps me from focusing on anything else worthwhile in this life. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I pray & I'm trying to be patient. I am sure I will be doing this at least one more summer, but physically I don't know if I can do this again. I will if I must, but it is making my life miserable. I think about going back to Potlatch, but it was a different kind of despair. It was so unfulfilling. I had no interest in fuels at all. It was so boring & so unchallenging. I dreaded going to work every morning because I felt I was wasting my time spending 8 hrs of my day doing nothing (in my mind). I certainly wouldn't have the anxiety in that job, but working March until the end of November is horrible. I'd rather suffer what I'm going through now & have a long winter off, but I'm seeing there is no point of having all this time off if my anxiety keeps me from traveling or doing the things I would enjoy doing. I am asking for your help if it's possible. I am praying to God, but you know as well as God I'm sure, where my life is headed & what I need & what is best for me. Please send me an opportunity to do something else. I know I have amazing retirement & benes with this job, so do you think it would be wise for me to leave the Forest Service? I think about coaching a lot. If Dee would have me I would save to get a small place wherever she is & devote myself to coaching. I think, if you think it's wise? I would hate to lose my retirement ya know? I'm really torn. If Dee had an asst. that paid well enough to live it would be a very hard decision. I know there are a lot of "what ifs" and nothing ever happens as you plan, but honey, every morning I dread waking up because I know I have to kill myself working out & it takes away all enjoyment of just having the day off. I don't know how to change that. I want to wake up without this feeling of dread ... it's horrible. You have to be able to see it or sense it, this is no way to live. Please help me honey. Help me so I can be happy again. I know I can't have you or ever be that happy again, but all I want is to be content. A job that pays my bills & a job that doesn't give me atrocious anxiety. Please, please help me honey. I wish you were here so I could really talk to you. I miss you hon!