I Want You Here So Bad

Just wishing you were here & wanting to be able to hold you and talk to you and feel you next to me. I miss you so much honey. I do think of you every day. I never wondered how I'd feel 5 years later, but I guess I'm still thinking of you. I still cry about you. I still wonder what life would be like if you were here. I still feel an emptiness that can never be filled. I still feel like I have half a heart. I still look up in the sky & feel like you are there. I still think of all our memories. I still would give anything in the world to have you back. I still think I will never find anyone that will take your place. I'm going to be alone forever hon. Damn, I wish you were here. I want to share all the fun things in my life with only you. And I wanted to share all the fun things in your life with me. We had such a future together, we had so much to do & to experience. We had it all honey. Every dream of mine came true with you & when you left they all went with you. I wish you were here honey, I have our house, but as the saying goes "this house is not a home" ... without you. This would only feel like home if I was sharing it with you. I don't feel settled if you're not in my life hon. I have no idea what I'm doing in the job I'm in. And if I take a job at ---- or ------ I won't be happy either. I am seriously counting down the years until I'm done with the Forest Service. I'm contemplating working part time in the athletic dept at W---- that way when I retire I got a lil sumpin sumpin to do & it would have some good benes .. as far as tickets & being around athletics. Idk, I just have no idea. I'm looking at property in GV & I could get into something for $60,000! Oh man, how I'd love to have a lil money to secure me a place down there while the price is right! Then the piece below my house went for sale. That hurts my heart hon. Gramz has only been dead for a little while & they sure don't waste any time capitalizing on her death by selling off her stuff and making money. How selfish! There is NO way in the world I could have sold ANY of your stuff right after you died. Hell, I still haven't. I have such a complex about that. Part of me wants to keep it forever even if I know I don't need it, but then I think I don't use it & you would probably want me to sell stuff if I got into a bind. Idk, I have such a complex about that & still don't think I could do that. Your stuff is more important to me because it symbolizes a piece of you. It's not money. That's what is so sickening about that property below me for sale ALREADY!! Grandma made it clear to us she did not want that to be sold to any yah-hoo off the streets. She wanted it to stay in the family. Makes me sick that no one listens to grandmas wishes just cuz she is dead. Really, it makes me mad & hurts my heart. Poor Gramz. Oh yeah, O--- said he had a dream that Gramz came to him. I keep forgetting to ask him what Gramz said, but that is so neat. OMG I wish you or her would come to me in a dream. I remember back n tha day you used to "hang out" with me all the time in my dreams. How I miss those days, it was so real & the feeling of your love stayed with me all through the next day & made everything alright. Well, I'm just kinda depressed lately cuz I'm not with my crew and even when my foot gets healed enough to be with them I'm sure I won't be in good enough shape to hang with them & that scares me. And I'm depressed cuz of the property below me being for sale. And I don't have much money this summer & I'm paying to get your property in my name & the cost of that is scary to me. Ugh just so much stuff that costs money that I need to do & I can't. My hands are tied. Makes me so stressed. I know if you were here everything would be alright. I just know it. And knowing that makes me even sadder cuz it shouldn't be like this, we should be together. We were supposed to be together forever hon. We were supposed to grow old together. Now that you're gone, what am I left with? Emptiness and loneliness for you .. and only you. I miss you hon. I swear to God I still look forward to the day when we are reunited in Heaven again. It will be the happiest day ever. Someday soon hon, we will be together again. I can't wait. Until then I will try so hard to enjoy the time I have here on earth. I love you forever & ever hon!! You are my ONE love! xoxoxoxo