I Just Know

Hon, do you suppose we know deep down how our life is going to play out. Why do I know that I will be single forever? Why do I know that I will NEVER meet anyone as good as you? Why do I know that I experienced love & you, the best thing that ever happened to me and now you are gone ... it's like I had my 5 minutes of fame and I have the rest of my life to live with the knowledge that nothing will ever be as good again and I'll never feel that way again until I die and go to Heaven. I mean, I know what we had was unreal, unlike anything ever I will experience again on this earth. I was fortunate enough to be able to experience what Heaven feels like, for that I am thankful, but sometimes it's hard to realize I have up to 60 more years to live without ever feeling that again. Deep down I know honey. I know that was it. What we had was short & I know the rest of my life will be alone. I've accepted that and come to terms with it, but the enormity of it all when I think of how long I will be without those beautiful feelings sometimes hurts me deeply. I miss you, your hugs, your kisses, your touch .. no one elses. I don't want anyone else. It will all be disappointment, no one will ever compare. I don't want anyone to like me, I don't want to "look" for anyone, I don't want to be desperate to find what we had because I know it's pointless, it's not out there. I will have to die and go to Heaven to experience us again. Sometimes I still miss you so much it hurts. Life without you still makes me cry, it still hurts my heart. The pain is deep and I don't know how to make it go away. I don't feel like it will ever be behind me, it's always going to be a part of me. I've changed so much since I've lost you. My world is upside down now & though it looks good from the outside, on the inside I die knowing you are gone for the rest of my waking life on this earth. I cope everyday knowing you aren't here to share my life with, I think of you everyday honey. I don't know what God has in store for me, but I know that really it doesn't matter because all I care about is the end & being with you again. I know someday my patience will pay off and once again we'll be reunited. I think of that often. I try to be happy every day & do what you would expect of me. I try to live my life like you would - with happiness & ambition. I'll accomplish great things I know, but everything I have and will gain in this life means nothing if you aren't here to share it. You know I would trade absolutely everything I have to just be with you again. I miss you terribly and dream of the day when we're together again. I love you more than anything in this world hon & please send me signs that you are still there waiting for me. You'll always be the ONE hon. I love you forever & always. 1 <3.

Luke 12:6-7

Is this a sign? Wasn't this about the time of our first date. I said it was the 11th, you said it couldn't have been because that's Kaylas birthday and we didn't go out on her bday. Either way I take it as a sign that you are still here with me. I know you are with me everyday honey and I think of you everyday. My faith that we will someday be together again is so strong. I know it will happen, so I'm just living my life waiting for the day when I get to see your beautiful face again. I love you so much, that will never fade. I will always love you .. until the end of time & we're together again. I love you beautiful. One love.

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Luke 12:6-7 (08-09-10)

via Verse of the Day on 8/9/10

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

— Luke 12:6-7 (NIV)

Thoughts on Today's Verse...

In a universe so vast, what is our little planet? In a planet so diverse and so full of life, what are simple everyday people? Among all the billions of people alive and who have lived before us, what significance do I have? Jesus reminds us that our significance is great -- not because we are so important, but because we are known personally by God. We don't have to be afraid; we are known and loved by the One who is and was and is to come!

My Prayer...

Eternal God, Almighty Father, Tender Shepherd, you already know my heart. You know where I struggle with sin; please empower and forgive me. You know my fears; please encourage and strengthen me. You know my immaturity; please nurture and mature me. You know my weakness and disease, please comfort and heal me. Holy God, I am both awed and comforted that you know me and love me. Thank you! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Completeness

The purpose of relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness.

— Neale Donald Walsch

10 Truths About Grief

Amen to this honey. I love you forever. Faith = until we meet again. 1<3

Grief is one of the hardest life events to overcome. After all it is something that happens to us often with no warning and definitely with no consent…..here are 10 truths I have found a long the way

1. Grief makes you feel weak yet shows your strength
2. Grief makes you realise what is truly important…love
3. Grief can destroy you, or make you as a person….the choice is ours to make.
4. Grief when left to its own devices can make you live in the past, but if faced can help you live forward as a better person.
5. Grief is not as hard when the death happens as when you are alone as friends go back to their real lives
6. Grief is a part of falling in love. Grief eases when you see that we may be unlucky losing our loved one but we are truly lucky to have loved in the first place.
7. Grief is a sign of a breaking heart not a broken heart….the heart is powerful and can love again…one day.
8. Grief can be controlled by an ounce of …hope
9. Grief makes you more sentimental
10. Grief is not something to fear….not having loved is much worse.

Wonderful Tonight

Here I am labeling some of my posts & just re-reading some old posts ... from 4 years ago. My how I've changed. I hurt for the old me. :( But anyway, guess what comes on the radio? Wonderful Tonight. Remember how you told me that song reminded you of me. OMG, I will never forget that, it made my heart melt. :) It's little signs like this that strengthen my faith & let me know that you are out there looking over me...thank you honey...I need those signs, they make me feel better. I love you forever - gawsh, I miss you.

4 Year Angelversary

So it's actually a couple days past your 4 year Angelversary, but on the day I just couldn't find the words. I was in a bad mood all day, I didn't want to talk to anyone & I didn't. At least not until later that night when after I worked out I felt better. And the only reason I worked out was for YOU. I did that (hard ass) workout just in your memory. I'm really at a loss for words which is so funny don't you think? How I used to write you all day, every day about everything & now I stumble with what to say to you. I guess what haven't I said. I'd be rich for every time I said I loved you ... or I missed you ... or I'd give anything to have you back or for a hug, etc. etc. I could type all that over and over again. I want to tell you how much I think about you everyday & how life isn't the same without you & how I wonder everyday where we'd be or how our lives would be if you were still here. I look at what I have now & in no way would I have this, which don't get me wrong, I'd prefer. I swear to God on the Bible I would trade EVERYTHING I have just to be with you again. It's so hard to appreciate what I have ... well, I do, I really do, but I guess I mean thoroughly enjoy the "fruits of my labor" when it all seems so empty to not share it with you. I think this is great what I accomplished, but it's not like I'm surprised, I can do & have whatever I set my mind to, I know that, so I accomplished one more thing I set out to do. It seems to be a bigger deal to everyone else. To me, it's just something else I've done. And really it's just so hard to 100% enjoy this if you're not here. I miss you so much honey. Some days it's a dull ache & I know you're there and I think about it briefly & some days all it takes is one memory or one glance at a picture and I want to break down and cry because you should be here!!! So I guess how far have I come in four years. Well, sometimes I think I want to fall in love again or have someone love me, but then I really think about someone else hugging me or me loving someone like I loved you and two things: it gives me the heebie jeebies & it doesn't seem possible. And what I mean by that is it doesn't seem possible that there is someone out there as good as you ... not even close. Seems like a waste to even think about being with someone else again ... grosses me out & seems like a waste of time. No one compares to you. But I guess my point is I think about it. Ha. I guess I feel like at this point in my "recovery" I don't have a dark cloud hanging over me dictating my life as I did before. I feel like now I can truly laugh about something or put my heart into something and really enjoy myself ... I'm not trying so hard to be happy, it's just somewhat natural now. In the past, I tried so hard to do things that I thought would make me happy & maybe it would for a split second, but deep down I was in so much pain and the happiness was superficial. I guess I feel like my happiness is more real now. Maybe not 24-7, but it is there in spurts. Maybe most of the hours of a day, but I don't think I can say I've gone days on end with 100% happiness, something always brings me back to you. Hah - Miss You by Candlebox is on the radio now. Speaking of that, I can't help but notice that there is a whole year of no posts here. Honey, I swear to God I wrote you during that time, maybe not a lot, a few times a month maybe BUT I did write you. I usually save them on your email account and add them to this blog when I get time and when I went to add them tonight, there was like 4???? Makes me kind of upset, I wonder where they went? So maybe I'll find them and add them later. I hope I can find them, but anyway my point was I saw Candlebox in concert last spring .. maybe I wrote about it and posted it BUT honey I wanted to cry so bad when they played this song. It so reminds me of you. OK, so four years later, what else has changed? I don't know, I guess I'm just better at coping, so I shove it all in & keep on chugging. I guess I was sick & tired of being "sick & tired", I could easily still have this define me & just stay at home & light you candles all the time and spend hours creating your website & writing you letters. And I do think about you & I want to write you all the time, but I'm usually not around a computer or the moment passes, but anyway, those thoughts are still there, it's just that I don't let it dictate my actions. In the past, everything centered around you. All my decisions. Now I really try to push you in & make decisions that I think are for my own good - maybe not what feels the best - but what I need. Like being on a shot crew ... honey, that's going to kill me, but I thought I needed a desk job to escape you & memories .. and I thought I needed to get out of fire for those same reasons, but I come to realize fire is in my core I guess, I missed it. It's what I enjoy & the memories with fire really bothered me & I let that affect the decisions I made in my life & that wasn't right. So now I'm going back to my gut instinct and feelings & I'm letting God guide the way, this is what felt right even though I know it will challenge me and kill me in the process haha ... these are the challenges that define me & make me who I am and make me feel fulfilled and happy. That is what I need in life ... not to run from you, but go with the flow & know you will always be there and it is my job to cope with these feelings and face them head on & become stronger. But I don't know honey, I don't know if you ever become stronger. Like I said, I think you learn to cope better as time goes on but strong?? I don't feel strong at all. I feel so weak to my emotions, they are in control. I shove em in, but I'm so emotional at the little things that involve love, loss & feel good stories of overcoming. I transfer my feelings to their situation & I get emotional. I guess they say that happens, but really I liked it better when I was numb to all that stuff and I never cried over movies or sad stories or someone dying...all that stuff. I do know that I can't even watch any romance scenes on TV or in movies, I always look away. It makes me sick to see people being affectionate, I guess because it's something I treasured so much with us, you were sooo caring & kind towards me. So romantic & to see that in others really hits me hard, it really makes me want to cry because that is one of the things I miss about you so much & it's not like you can fill that void with anything. I don't know if it's sad because I've lost it and I miss it or because I know I won't ever experience that again? Maybe both. I don't know honey, some days I feel ok ... I guess not a good way to say it cause you dying will never be okay, but I guess I feel okay like I got a good life and I can be happy sometimes (most of the time?? now) But some days I want to be gone from this earth more than anything & just be in your arms one more time & this time forever and I NEVER want you to let me go. I think what helps me most is my faith, as time has passed I seem to have more faith that you are still here...I mean Heaven (or Purgatory), I know you are there & we will be together again someday and that time will be FOREVER, so I know that my time on earth here is just temporary & it's only time before we're together again. I know this is just a small sliver in our lives and it will pass quickly, so I've somewhat come to the realization to just be happy & do all I can that is fun while I'm here because it will pass quickly. I'll be with you soon enough & I won't want to look back on my time on earth and think I wasted it. I look at it as we are just on a long vacation apart...so anyway, it's been four years and I guess those are the main changes I can think of. Look, I say I have nothing to say and I write a book. I guess it's just what pops into my head at the time. And one thing I have to bring up is Dave & his son Tyler. I wrote you earlier about Tyler and to please let him be okay. Oh honey, they found him dead & believe it or not it was on your angelversary & ya know what...I knew it. I knew that was going to happen. When I heard he was missing & no one could find him, I immediately thought, they will find him on your angelversary. I don't know why I thought that & was so sure about it, but I thought it no doubt. Unbelievable that's the day he was found. Of course I'll spare the details because you know. Please wrap your angel wings around him & show him the ropes. And honey, I think what bothers me most is not my own sadness surrounding your angelversary, but my heart is aching for Dave & his wife. Why? I think why do they take the good ones so early? Why does this have to happen to Dave? He is sooo nice & out of all those people in that office, he was the one I respected the most. As you can see it truly makes me cry to know that Dave is going through the same emotions that I went through and now he has a lifetime ahead of him of having a hole or a void that will never be filled. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy and here it happened to one of my best/favorite friends. This is the stuff that makes me cry. I can't imagine someone as kind as Dave going through this pain, it honest to God hurts me so bad, like I was right back 4 years ago - going through the exact same feelings. It's so intense. I feel like the intense pain & hopelessness that I felt years ago has been taken from me & placed on Dave. It's not fair!!! It's not fair honey! Why? I don't want Dave to feel a sliver of what I went through & here he is, his whole world turned upside down & now a lifetime of nothing ever being the same. Why does God do this to good people? That's the part I don't get? I guess I kind of get it, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it or like it. It is just not right!! So honey on your 4th Angelversary I more pray for Dave and his family than me. I can survive, but Dave needs all the strength God can give him. I pray that he has a deep faith, knowing it's the only thing that got me through. So if at all possible please, please be Dave's strength and understanding and take good care of Tyler for him. And I love you so much because you are the kindest man I ever met & I'm proud you chose me. I'm so lucky, thank you for our short time honey & until we meet again you will always be in my heart. I love you forever my Kdub - you are my one & only. <3

Slumdog Millionaire A Year Later

"I thought we'd b together only in death." I just watched Slumdog Millionaire .... again.....cuz it's one of my favorite movies that makes me think of you EVERY time. It's been almost a year to the day when I watched this at the theatre on your birthday ... "it's our destiny" ... you & me we were meant to be and I know we will be together again in death ... i have FAITH. I know that will happen. Honey, I miss you so much. It's going to be 4 yrs in a couple days and I swear to God I think of you every day. You were the best ever & the most amazing human being I've ever met...I hope you still think of me & things have been going okay in my life and I pray to God that part of the reason (besides God) is that you are looking out for me & helping me. I love you for that. Gawd I love you so much. Honey, I miss you & I would give ANYTHING to be with you again. Nothing in this world is as important as you & I'd give anything up or do anything just to be with you again. I can't wait until we can be together like we were here on earth. I love you honey. SO SO MUCH!! One love. <3

Prayers For Dave & Tyler

Hey hon, I just had to write you & tell you that Dave's son gone missing has been weighing heavy on my heart. I want to cry because I think, he's been missing for a week and all I can think is he's dead. So of course I think of all the pain of losing you and what your mom goes through and no way in the world EVER would I wish that pain on anyone .. not an enemy...but certainly not Dave. Working with him for the last two years, he kind of became my father figure. Me always checking in on him with my house and just our joking around in general. Gawsh, I really respect and like that man. The last thing I would ever want for Dave and his family is losing a son. So if you can please make sure Tyler is OK. It makes me want to cry right now just thinking that he might not be & thinking about Dave. Please help out Kdub. And why does always have to happen to good people? I love you forever n ever honey & you know I miss you every single day. Everyday I think of you and what we're missing out on. I love you honey, but I have SO much faith that we will be together again, I'm just going to enjoy my time "until we meet again" I love you!! One.

300

Honey, I just killed the 300. 17 minutes!
I got a headache now ... need to breathe. haha. Actually I did ok during it & it didn't kill me at all. I did all the exercises pretty easy. Yah! I'm in shape! :) The true test will be this summer - I so pray that hiking with those maniacs doesn't kill me. God be with me & you too honey!!! I love you so much & miss you everyday!!!!! One love.

Feeling Sadness On A Cellular Level

How she describes her pain reminds me of how I felt. I love you forever hon. One love. <3

Swayze widow speaks of her grief

Former dancer Niemi was married to Swayze for 34 years

The widow of actor Patrick Swayze has spoken about her grief at her first public appearance since his death.

Speaking at the Women's Conference in Long Beach, California, Lisa Niemi said Swayze's passing last month left her feeling sadness "on a cellular level".

"I thought during the 22 months of my husband's illness that it gave me all this time to get used to the idea of losing him," she said on Tuesday.

"It wasn't the same at all. The actual loss is an animal of its own."

Her husband's death, she continued, "made all the sadness and grief previous to that look like an intellectual concept".

Memoir

Swayze, best known for his roles in Dirty Dancing and Ghost, died in September from pancreatic cancer.

Swayze (left) died in September after a long battle with pancreatic cancer

Niemi, who co-authored her husband's posthumously-published memoir, was speaking at a panel discussion on grief attended by several thousand women.

The panel included actress and activist Susan Saint James and Maria Shriver, wife of California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Her comments came ahead of a one-on-one interview with US talk show host Oprah Winfrey, to be broadcast in the US on Friday.

Swayze was diagnosed with advanced stage four pancreatic cancer in January 2008. His widow said he fought to the last.

"Cancer may have taken Patrick, but it didn't beat him," she said.

The Song That Silenced The Cappuccino Machine

The sparrow ... like the scripture on the pilots helmet.
This made me stop & think of you.
I love you honey. Forever! And I miss you too. So much!

-----Original Message-----
From: Dessa
To: Undisclosed recipients <>
Sent: Thu, Oct 8, 2009 10:22 am
Subject: FW: The song that silenced the cappuccino machine


Have you heard the story about...
The song that silenced the cappuccino machine?


It was chilly in Manhattan but warm inside the Starbucks
shop on 51st Street and Broadway, just a skip up from Times Square .
Early November weather in New York City holds only the slightest hint of
the bitter chill of late December and January, but it's enough to send
the masses crowding indoors to vie for available space and warmth.

For a musician, it's the most lucrative Starbucks location
in the world, I'm told, and consequently, the tips can be substantial if
you play your tunes right. Apparently, we were striking all the right
chords that night, because our basket was almost overflowing.

It was a fun, low-pressure gig - I was playing keyboard
and singing backup for my friend who also added rhythm with an arsenal
of percussion instruments. We mostly did pop songs from the '40s to the
'90s with a few original tunes thrown in. During our emotional rendition
of the classic, "If You Don't Know Me by Now," I noticed a lady sitting
in one of the lounge chairs across from me. She was swaying to the beat
and singing along.

After the tune was over, she approached me. "I apologize
for singing along on that song. Did it bother you?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "We love it when the audience joins in.
Would you like to sing up front on the next selection?"

To my delight, she accepted my invitation. "You choose," I
said. "What are you in the mood to sing?"

"Well. ... do you know any hymns?"

Hymns? This woman didn't know who she was dealing with. I
cut my teeth on hymns. Before I was even born, I was going to church. I
gave our guest singer a knowing look. "Name one."

"Oh, I don't know. There are so many good ones. You pick
one."

"Okay," I replied. "How about 'His Eye is on the
Sparrow'?"

My new friend was silent, her eyes averted. Then she fixed
her eyes on mine again and said, "Yeah. Let's do that one."

She slowly nodded her head, put down her purse,
straightened her jacket and faced the center of the shop. With my
two-bar setup, she began to sing.

Why should I be discouraged?
Why should the shadows come?

The audience of coffee drinkers was transfixed. Even the
gurgling noises of the cappuccino machine ceased as the employees
stopped what they were doing to listen. The song rose to its conclusion.

I sing because I'm happy;
I sing because I'm free.
For His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me.

When the last note was sung, the applause crescendoed to a
deafening roar that would have rivaled a sold-out crowd at Carnegie
Hall. Embarrassed, the woman tried to shout over the din, "Oh, y'all go
back to your coffee! I didn't come in here to do a concert! I just came
in here to get somethin' to drink, just like you!" But the ovation
continued. I embraced my new friend. "You, my dear, have made my whole
year! That was beautiful!"

"Well, it's funny that you picked that particular hymn,"
she said.

"Why is that?"

"Well . .." she hesitated again, "that was my daughter's
favorite song."

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"Yes," she said, and then grabbed my hands. By this time,
the applause had subsided and it was business as usual. "She was 16. She
died of a brain tumor last week."

I said the first thing that found its way through my
stunned silence. "Are you going to be okay?"

She smiled through tear-filled eyes and squeezed my hands.
"I'm gonna be okay. I've just got to keep trusting the Lord and singing
his songs, and everything's gonna be just fine." She picked up her bag,
gave me her card, and then she was gone.

Was it just a coincidence that we happened to be singing
in that particular coffee shop on that particular November night?
Coincidence that this wonderful lady just happened to walk into that
particular shop? Coincidence that of all the hymns to choose from, I
just happened to pick the very hymn that was the favorite of her
daughter, who had died just the week before? I refuse to believe it.

God has been arranging encounters in human history since
the beginning of time, and it's no stretch for me to imagine that he
could reach into a coffee shop in midtown Manhattan and turn an ordinary
gig into a revival. It was a great reminder that if we keep trusting him
and singing his songs, everything's gonna be okay.

The next time you feel like GOD can't use YOU, just
remember...

a.. Noah was a drunk
b.. Abraham was too old
c.. Isaac was a daydreamer
d.. Jacob was a liar
e.. Leah was ugly
f.. Joseph was abused
g.. Moses had a stuttering problem
h.. Gideon was afraid
i.. Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer
j.. Rahab was a prostitute
k.. Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
l.. David had an affair and was a murderer
m.. Elijah was suicidal
n.. Isaiah preached naked
o.. Jonah ran from God
p.. Naomi was a widow
q.. Job went bankrupt
r.. John the Baptist ate bugs
s.. Peter denied Christ
t.. The Disciples fell asleep while praying
u.. Martha worried about everything
v.. The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
w.. Zaccheus was too small
x.. Paul was too religious
y.. Timothy had an ulcer...AND
z.. Lazarus was dead!


No more excuses now!!
God can use you to your full potential. Besides you aren't
the message, you are just the messenger. God bless

True Love

In true love you want other person’s good. In false love you want the other person.

I Won't Lose Your Soul

I may have lost their body, but I haven’t…and never will…lose their soul

MySpace Page

Hey hon, did you change S---'s background on her Myspace page? She asked me to do it yesterday & you know I didn't do it. She says I'm the only one who has her password. If I didn't change it, who did? Honey!? haha. Well, she loves it & thanks. You knew exactly what she wanted. :) You're the best!! I love you no matter where you are or knowing how long it is 'til I see you. You know I'll always love you. Until we meet again. Keep giving us those signs honey! I love you for it!! :) One. <3

This Is True

1) Initially, there is a sense of profound shock and disbelief that this could ever happen to you. Real grief often does not hit home until much later.

2) The theme is “Silence”. The silence that death leaves. The silence of death’s taboo. The silence of listening.