Mothers Day

I have a picture of you on my screen saver. We are in Dallas-Ft.Worth. It's the night we went to that dinner that Shane bought for everyone. You are looking at me like I am the most precious thing you'd ever laid your eyes on. I love that picture. Honey, every time I look at it I think to myself, "you are sooo beautiful" I think our lack of words/verbage in this world does a terrible injustice to relationships. Namely love. Beautiful is not even the word that does you justice....the problem is there are no words deep or pure enough to explain what exactly it is when I look at you. It makes me shake my head in awe and disbelief.... awe that someone can be so beautiful and disbelief that someone can be soo pure: someone can be sooo beautiful. Not just on the outside honey, but on the inside. You are without a doubt one of a kind. There is no doubt that God blessed me (if only for a few years) with someone that was filled with everything He stands for - love. You epitomized Heaven. If there could have been a human on this earth that God created in his image just to test existence on Earth....you were it. I'm so serious, you had to have been some sort of miracle created by God. And I was sooo lucky to have experienced you and all you had to offer. God picked me! You know I felt this way when you were alive too because I told you all the time. I know a lot of books I've read lately say the survivor typically idealizes or idolizes the deceased .....sure, I can believe that, but what happens when I idealized/idolized you when you were alive. What's so wrong with continuing? It's not like I never felt this way before you died. You KNOW I said all these things when you were alive too. What most people probably wouldn't realize is I did feel this way before (and now, after). They might think, oh she's just remembering the good times or the good qualities. Rubbish. I have always felt this way about you and I am so glad I never kept it to myself. I did learn something from other relationships! :) Always tell the other person how you feel, no matter what. That is what I did with you, probably way to the extreme, huh? I always told you every little beautiful thing you did, said, how you acted....anything you did that made me light up, I told you. (Which was A LOT....pretty much everything. Your existence.) So now when I say you were sent from above because you were so pure, loving and beautiful. You know I always said it before. I just wanted to let you know that I still look at you and feel the same feelings. Only now instead of seeing your beauty in person, I am looking at a picture or pictures. I am fortunate and sometimes I even believe that God blessed me (and only me in this whole world) to experience what it was like to have a relationship that rivals those we experience in Heaven. I believe that while we still had human characteristics and misgivings we still experienced it in bits and pieces, maybe short time spans of something pure and heavenly....just like it is when we get to Heaven. Sure, we had some stupid human emotions mixed in, keeping it from being purely Heaven, but it was so close to being perfect sometimes it's almost frightening.....in a sense that wow, God so loved us he let us (you and me honey!) experience a Heavenly relationship. I don't take it for granted, but thank the Lord for every minute of it. The hard part is realizing how great and perfect it was and knowing I may never experience that again in my whole earthly existence. Sure it will be waiting for me in Heaven, but now I feel spoiled. What if nothing ever is good enough again? What if no one ever measures up again? Too deep I guess and nothing I should even concern myself with. I guess sometimes I can't help it, who wouldn't want that good thing in their life. Damn I miss you honey!

I got to spend today with ----....oh honey, I know you have to be able to see this from above. You know what tears at my heart and soul more than anything.....saying goodbye to ----- and leaving her in that living hell. That poor, poor girl. You know I talked with you most of the way home about this. I know how you felt every time you left for your 2 wks now. I mean really know how you felt. I never understood the depth of it until today when I dropped her off at Carlys house (???). Not even with -----, who was off with 2 guys in Pinehurst all day, but with her friend. How can this be right in the Lords eyes? I don't question really and I don't want answers, just wondering. You and me were supposed to "save" her. Why is it the only chance she had is gone now? One can only speculate and the answer may never be known, but I do have faith in the Lord that something great will become of this (for ----). I don't know what, but I suppose even if it's eternal salvation and life with you (us) than it will all be worth it no matter how hard it is to swallow now. I pray and pray for her honey.

I feel sick to my stomach, not physically, but just more sick in the head and spirit. I don't feel good or right. I think I'm tired and today was too deep for me. I saw you in her and I thought on the way home that she is lucky cuz she is half you....I mean really she is. She is half you. And I thought she is half you and half -----. Then I thought of the two battling personalities inside of her. You the blessed one trying so hard to come out, only to be drowned by the dominant -----. We both know she is an angel inside and there are factors that mask that angel....but you and I both know she is an angel. I also felt like you were riding with me on the way home from ------ when I was crying so hard about -----. Now as I'm typing this paragraph "Calling All Angels" comes on the radio. Not to mention "When I Look To The Sky" came on this morning as I was crying about going to --- to see ---- (and knowing you wouldn't be there). Just a long, hard day. I thought there was more, but I'm beat and can't think straight. I guess I'm gonna go to bed now. Dammit, I need you in my life and you're gone. I hate that! I wish this never happened. I love you with all my heart and soul and being. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you forever and ever and ever. Eternally. I'll see you again in Heaven.