Rollercoaster

I don't know how I feel today. What a weird ass day. I have had so many emotions going through me. I don't know if I'm happy, sad, angry, indifferent, tired, hopeless....on and on. Today was just a shitty emotional rollercoaster day, usually I don't go through so many emotions in a day. I don't even feel like talking about it in detail. Went to CDA for an I.C. meeting then I was supposed to meet ----, but ----- couldn't leave work...uh huh...who knows whether to believe her or not. Whatever. All sorts of people coming up to me, "how ya doin?" guh. Whatdya think? Crappy, sad, tired. I wish this would have never happened. I miss you so much. So, so much. Sometimes I can't wait for the day to be over with so I can just be alone at home or sleep. Maybe I'm getting depressed? who knows. i run every morning and go to work. i don't care about shiznit right now, today anyway. i don't care if i show up for work an hour late, i don't care if i wreck a f.s. vehicle, i don't care if i speak my mind and no one likes what i have to say, i don't care if someone asks me to do something and I forget, i don't care if i don't show up for work at all, i don't care if i never call in to work to say i'm gone, i don't care if i'm supposed to teach a class and i don't prep at all but just wing it, i don't care if i talk to anyone, i don't care about anything really. i would love to just stay home from work and read the bible and a lot of the books i have on the catholic religion. i could stay in my house and keep busy for days. who cares about people. I gotta go to -------'s graduation and i really don't wanna drive that whole way..it's gonna be a long ass day and the grad won't get over 'til late and i know my stubborn, don't wanna talk to anyone ass is gonna take off and drive all night. i really don't want to, but i don't wanna be around a bunch of people and have to be all smiley, happy. takes too much energy. we'll i've written a lot more than i intended. tired as hell, even though i slept the day away at the meeting. i should go to bed just cuz today sucks and i want it to be over. i can't even think of you for some reason right now. i can't think what you look like, i can't think what you sound like, i can't think how you used to act. just dull and numb. it's almost like i never knew you or met you. it's like you never happened sometimes, like you were all a dream...too good to be true and now i'm left with crap. i know what really bugged me today besides everyone asking how i was doing. people talking about building their house(s), people who are having kids, people talking about their wives, pretty much people talking about anything to do with relationships. shut up i don't want to hear about the plans your making, how happy you are, what you do together....cuz i was supposed to have all that and now i don't. it's gone. i hate it. and i don't know why, but i hate work now too. i hate it unless i'm here at the station with all the guys i work with from here, not in ------. i guess they're like my security blanket. i don't wanna see ----, ----, ----, -------, any of the temps at ----- and usually ------. sometimes he's cool, but sometimes he says some pretty insensitive things but i gotta realize it's cuz he just doesn't get it. probably like a lot of people. i wish i was dead, i really do. of course i would never commit suicide, but i just want to be with you. i want to be in heaven. i don't want to be here...at all...it really, really, really sucks...a lot. i don't know how to put it any more bluntly. well, i really miss you and it sucks cuz now i don't have you to talk to (or see) everyday. i have no one. you've left me so lonely. you were the only one who really knew me. the only one i ever opened up to. the only one i truly loved. you were the one. i can't get over you. sucks, but i do love you...too much i guess. and always. and forever.