Here I sit and it's been 4 months since you've died. I'm as lost now as I was then. I am lost without you. I make it through the days but I miss you so much. I wish my heart could talk cuz it speaks so much louder than my voice, than my words. It hurts so much. I would give anything to hear your laugh one more time. Just to see your smile would bring me to my knees, full of tears. I can't believe that this pain would hurt so bad. This I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I still can't fathom life without you. I can't get over this. It seems impossible to think to the future and you're not in it. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. I feel lost, I don't know what happened. My head spins everyday. I feel out of touch with reality. Probably because it feels like none of this is real, it's just like a bad dream. I wish it would pass. I really would give absolutely anything to be with you again. How I wish we could go back to the start and do it all over again. I don't regret anything, but I would've begged you not to fly again that Thursday you left. I would have kept you in my arms forever. I would have hugged you so hard and made sure you stayed with me that weekend. We would still be together. Our house would be being built right now. ----- could be living with us. We would be so happy. Laughing, smiling....just sickening in love. We would be so happy and so perfect. How come this happened? What have I done to deserve something as awful as this. I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. Never wake up to this awful nightmare that is my life now. Honey, I miss you. I'm so lonely without you. I can't stop the tears from flowing. They just come. I don't try to cry, they're just coming out. At least you never lived to experience pain like this. For that I am thankful, I would never want my honey to hurt like this. I would rather me suffer through this than you.
A lot has happened since the last time I even wrote you. I went to Arizona on a fire assignment. DIVS, cuz that's what you always wanted me to do. I did it. I only got on the line one day, the rest of the time was spent by the pool at a hotel in Mesa. I still did it though and I didn't know if I could. My crews on the division were ----- and Pleasant Valley shots (----- -----'s the sup - I used to work with him). So I pretty much knew everyone so it was easy. You could really call it a paid vacation to my favorite forest, the Tonto. I got to see ---- and ---- a couple times. It was just cool to have a vacation and see some old friends. I just wish that you could've came to Arizona just one time with me in my life. I really wanted you to see 'my spot' on Lake Roosevelt. Our logistics guy, Charles, had some tattoos of butterflies on his back. It symbolized his dead brother. At his funeral two butterflies flew around the coffin. It means something about rebirth of the soul (if I remember right).
Shortly after I got back from Arizona I went on an I.A. to ---- Pk. I was a C Faller. I had a 8 or 9 foot cedar with a double top. One hung up in the limbs of an adjacent tree and the other broke, but hanging upside down in the cedar, ready to fall out anytime. I turned it down and we ordered a blaster. I cut out some boxes in the tree and we put the FLE (fire line explosives) in there. We put three boxes in the tree and then we wrapped the fourth box of FLE around the tree. It blew that tree to smithereens. One of the guys got it on camera. It was hella cool. At the end of the day I had to fly out. It sucked so bad. My first helicopter ride after your crash. I also hoped to keep the last time I rode in a 'copter with you, but it didn't work out. I had to fly out. I wanted to jump out of the helicopter the whole way. I hated it so bad and just thinking about it makes me want to cry right now. I made it, hated every minute of it and I still don't ever want to get in a 'copter again. It's not that I'm afraid, in fact, the only reason I want to fly is so I can crash and I can die just like you. I would like that very much, but the memories of us and what you must of went through as you were going down flood my head and it's way too overwhelming. It's all too much, that's what bothers me. I'm not scared. If I knew we were going to crash before hand I would board the 'copter for sure. I could die and we could be together again. After I landed I went off and had a quick moment. Wow, it sucked. After that I went back out to the helispot at ------ and there was a yellow butterfly (Monarch), just like the ones on Charles back. Did it mean anything? I think so. I think you were there with me. Thank you. I love you for that, you are the most caring, considerate human being I ever met. Then and now. I miss you honey. So, so much.
I dreamed about you last night. I can't remember most of it, but I woke up remembering we spent a lot of time together in -----, up on campus. But then you left and you had ---'s hand and you were walking around together with her. I went to find you two...I could see you, but I could never catch up. Then you went into an area that was really, really dark and I lost sight of everything. You were gone, nowhere to be found. After that I woke up. It was ok though because just dreaming about you, just seeing your face in my dream makes my day so much better. It's like I got to spend the night with you. That's really how I feel when I wake up. Maybe we were in another world, but I was with you. I really do feel better if I dream about you. Ya' know what's funny about all my dreams with you. You never talk to me. Once you did and you told me, "it's going to be hard" I guess it's better than nothing, but it would be really cool if I dreamt about you and you told me you loved me or you missed me, even if we just laughed and smiled. I guess I just wish you were still here and I'd give anything to make it feel like the old times.
Well, I suppose this is your letter for 4 months. I don't really know what to say this time. I'm so emotional and it's not getting any better. I just don't like this. It's the awfullest feeling in the whole world and there's no hope of it going away. I have to suffer like this for ??? how long??? I don't know. I don't know how I make it honey, but I have been. I've been going to church every Sunday, even while I was in Arizona, I got to go. That made me feel really good. Anyway, it's really, really hard and I'm making it...don't know how, but I'm here. Please don't forget me. I love you with all my heart forever and ever. I really do. I'm at a loss for words, the pain is just too much. The hurt is just too much....I don't know what to say or do, but just go to bed and cry my eyes out. I miss you honey. You are so lovely. I can't wait to see you again. Your true love always, baby girl.
