Sinking In

Somedays it just really sinks in. I think now that I'm not so busy (been busy since you've died)....it's all sinking in. I went through our cell phones and copied our texts messages that we sent to each other. Also the times we called each other. I bet we talked 20 or 30 times in the two days before it happened. I am the last person you called before you died. Once at 3 something a.m. and then once again at 4 something a.m. Yeah, you woke me up but I never cared. Never. Thank God for that. So I think of the days before you left. We got to spend a lot of time together before you left. I stayed with you in --- and after you left, I left for home. It sucks remembering 'the phone call' - "we lost -----" That's the worst thing in the whole wide world, I would never wish that upon anybody. It hurts me right now. It's really hitting home and the pain is real. I have this pit in my stomach that sucks. It won't go away. I cry all the time now. I miss you so bad. This isn't fair. It's hard to comprehend that I will NEVER see you on this earth again. I don't know how I'm gonna make it. I'm so sad and depressed. I don't want to go to work this week. I'm so tired of work and trying to be happy. I swear I dislike almost everyone I work with (besides the C-town peeps). I like --, --, --, --, --, --, --, --, -- and --. Even with those guys I have to pretend to be ok. It just gets old and I'm getting so tired. Everyone else just kind of bugs me. I don't want to be around them. I'm supposed to go to Orting this coming weekend, then Olympia, then Seattle. Oh, then go see -- and --. I guess just everywhere. I don't want to cram this all into a small amount of time. I think I might just take off sometime this week. I'm thinking about saying 'screw work' and just do something. I don't know what. I really don't want to be around people. All I ever wanted was someone like you. I finally met someone I wanted to be around and now you're gone. I don't understand why. I haven't done bad things in my life, I've done stupid things, but my heart is good. Why would God do this to me? Look at all the bad people that have someone to share their life with. I don't get it. Honey, I miss you so much. I wish I could be gone and just be with you right now. All I want is just one hug from you. Just to hold me for a second. This is not getting better, it hurts me so much. Sometimes it really is unbearable. I just wish I could smash something. I don't know how to make the pain go away. I'm tired of working and burying it. I just need to let it surface. It sucks, but I'm tired of faking it. Well, I guess I'll go to bed now. I really miss you...so, so much. I hope you still think of me and I hope you'll be waiting for me when I get to Heaven. Please don't ever stop loving me or thinking about me. I won't forget you ..... ever. And I'll never stop loving you. Your the best ever in this whole world. I love you my K-dub. FOREVER.