Bad Day

I'm still sad. I seem to cry randomly now more than ever. I think I just really need to get away from here. I have a lot of good books I'd like to read, but I get sucked into this computer. Now that I have satellite internet there's so many cool things to explore, lots of good vids on YouTube.

I know you saw my day today. It sucked from the get go. I was gonna get wood with dad. Truck wouldn't start. My dumb ass tried to use ether to start it - just one quick shot, still wouldn't start, so I thought no harm done. I ended up having to drive all the way into ----- to buy some damn glow plugs. You know you must have really loved me. What a pain in the ass it was to put those things in! Thanks, I love you for that. Got 'em in. Dad ended up driving here. Good thing cuz when I started my pick up it was knocking and he said it was from me spraying that ether. Damn it. So he said a piston or a rod was broke and as soon as I drove it it would send the rod through my engine block or something like that. Well, that really sucks. I finally get some xtra money so I could pay off my bills and I'm faced with a new one...buying a new pickup. We bagged that and we decided to finish putting my hoop up. Long story short, it fell onto the rim, bent it. The other one I had wouldn't fit. The drill we needed to make it fit, well, the charger wouldn't work and we couldn't find yours that went with your sears craftsman set. So we bagged that and rebent the bent rim back. Finally got it back, put the hoop up, but i was about 3 bags short of quik krete so now i gotta go buy some more bags of that. what a piece of crap day. didn't get any firewood. lost my pickup. spent 200 bucks on crappy oil for my furnace and i still need about another 200 or 300 to top it off....thats 400 i've put in so far. why can't i just get some xtra money and save it or put it towards the property or something. i could start saving for a house. well, to build a house on the property. shit, whatever. i'm not used to things going right or being ez, so who gives a f***. in the end it never matters anyway. nothing does. i know everything happens for a reason, but i'm getting tired of the way things happen. i understand and believe everything happens for a reason, but that doesn't mean i have to like it. i try and have tried to have a good attitude...well, i'm just tired of it. i'm tired of being around people. i'm tired of pretending to be happy. i'm tired of faking a smile. i'm tired of being nice when all i feel like is busting someones head open or crying. there's usually no middle. i'm tired of trying. it's tiring. i feel like just folding, caving in. just giving up. if i live here then i can stay trapped with no vehicle...i won't have to make excuses to visit people....i wouldn't mind. i might go kinda stir crazy but i don't really care. at least i'd be livin' cheap. or ---- says i can live with her. i guess that would be ok....whatever. i don't know, guess it doesn't matter right now. probably won't even sweat it for a couple of months. right now i really don't give a ... work sucks. living sucks. i just feel dead inside. ya know how you feel alive, like when we were in love. nothing could stop us, we were alive. now it's so empty, so, so empty. i don't even want to write anymore....i just wanna veg. i'm so sad. i'm just gonna go to bed now. no matter how low i go, i still love you...always and no matter what. always. i will always love you. forever and ever. your tired baby girl oxoxoxoxox