Back In Time

This is an excerpt from my journal when we first started dating. What's funny is I didn't write too much, because in the past if I wrote a lot about anyone I was seeing, we always broke up, so I thought it was a jinx. This is all I have, I never got to share it with you until now.

Aug. 27th, 2004
Haven’t written in here since July 8th. A lot has happened since then. We had a fire bust, got on a few fires and got some OT. The bust ended about a week ago. Since then it’s been raining cats n dogs. Just like Seattle.
Work has been great. The crew is the bomb, I couldn’t ask for better people.
Met a guy who’s sooo awesome. I want to give 100% to him – be faithfully his, well, just like I always am. It’s just this time I have no desire to be with anyone else or even look. All I want is to be with ------ the whole time. I want to be exclusively with him and he gets me exclusively. I have so much respect for ------, I could never do anything to hurt him. So I think this one’s for realz! The only thing that scares me is it all seems to good to be true and it’s all happening so fast. Other than that he has to be the one. I haven’t felt this way since the last time I was in love (or thought I was) with ---. Yeah, I said love, can ya’ believe that! I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m falling in love with -----.
So the background is we worked together last year (2003) on some burns and I thought he was funny then…nothing more. Then this spring we worked a bit more together on some prescribed burns. PSD on ----- out by -----. We were playing guess that song on the radio in the helicopter. Then some PSD on ------ for mountain goats. That was a great time….chasing mt. goats up the side of ----- in a helicopter. We saw a lot of elk, deer, bear, cougars…seems like everything. Pretty memorable. Also tried to PSD up -------, my disposable camera fell out of my big ol’ flight suit pocket. I was supposed to go with him another day…he landed at -----, but -------- went instead. I was actually bummed I couldn’t go, by then I thought he was kinda cool. Oh yeah, last year he was the pilot for the ----- Fire up near -----. I remember how funny he was then. Once he even commenting about seeing some girl going pee over by our tents as he flew away from our fire. We joked a lot this spring doing the prescribed burn thing. So fast fwd to this summer. I went on the ----- fire – wait, wait – first I was duty officer in the office and we talked a lot then. He would come in the office and visit me quite a bit. All this time though I was trying to get him to call ----- in dispatch because she liked him. (He never did) Soon I found myself sneaking out of the office for a few minutes at a time just to talk to him. I ended up going to the ------- fire. As I was hiking in he was flirting with me over Air/Ground on the radio. Even the people on the fire were saying that. By this time I was really starting to like him. It made me smile. After I came back from that fire and worked with him a bit in ----- getting sling loads together n stuff. He asked me for my number at the end of one of my days, I was outside so I said I'd get it to him, but really I had no intention. I’m still thinking I can’t do this to -----, she likes him. Not to mention she’s my friend! So that day passed and I got out of giving him my number. But the next day came and went and he asked again. This time I was in the office, so I gave him my card cuz it only had my cell number which has no coverage in ------- and it also had only my work number. That way I thought he couldn’t get a hold of me and ------ and him could still get together. Well, it really didn’t work cuz my dumb sub conscious ass was calling my cell phone to check my messages as I was looking at his number and I called him! Needless to say I was shocked when a man’s voice answered the phone. We talked for hours and next thing ya know we had planned a date. Aug. 11th. I went to ---- and we went to the Olive Garden. He wore a blue Hawaiian shirt and some peuter colored shorts. We had great conversation…never a lull. I ended up staying up there with him, but we didn’t do anything. Just a first kiss (or kisses). Next day he was in ------, so I drove up that night and we stayed together at ------ . ** After that I volunteered to be a helicopter crewmember for ---- (manager). She smiled and knew something was up cuz I hate helicopters and helicopter crewmember is booooring! That lasted a couple days. Most of the nights I spent with ----- at ------ (name?) Cabins on the ---. I ended up going on the ---- Fire with ------. ------ supported us 3 long days and 4 long nights. I couldn’t focus or sleep because all I could think about was him. It was such an exciting time! I couldn’t wait to hear his voice on the radio and I especially couldn’t wait to see him again! I even hiked to the top of some alder brushed ridge top just so I could call him really early in the morning before he left from ---. Long ass time it seemed not to see him. Finally, he flew us out of there and we spent the rest of the days together. I went up to --- and stayed with him again before he left for Connecticut. That was Saturday (a week ago). He left Sunday. He’s training to be a K-Max pilot. I just can’t wait to talk to him again…actually see him. I’ve talked to him everyday since the fire bust. I miss him A LOT! So, it’s been cool. I just hope I don’t get scared and trip out like I did with ---- or ----! I like ----- sooo much, I’m pretty sure it won’t happen, but it’s still in the back of my mind. Anyway, today is Friday, my day off and ---- is coming here to run with me and then we’re gonna go to ----- to get some new tires on the ‘stang. So there’s the update. Peace out. One.

I’ll have to go into more detail later when I have more time about the walk we had to the river, running back in the rain, hanging out in the pilots rig, our talks, sitting in the helicopter during a rainstorm….etc. etc. etc.


Sept. 14th, 2004

Still with ---- and very much in love. It’s all been very good. I’m pretty sure he’s who I want to be with for the rest of my life. Every now and then if I really think about the reality of it I might trip a little and think, “damn, I’m gonna lose my freedom and have to do what someone else wants, I’m gonna have to revolve my life around someone else and include them in all my plans and me in theirs.” Honestly it doesn’t scare me too bad, I think it’s more weird than anything. Just that I’ve never had to live like that before. Just reality slapping me across the face is all. But for realz being with him is so comfortable, more so and quicker than ---- or -----. It’s more real. I really love him a lot. I have so much respect and love for him. Just writing that makes me miss him right now sooo much. He’s in Klamath Falls, OR right now. Tomorrow is his first day flying the K-Max on the job. He’s supposed to be down there a week for his first time, but I’m thinking he will be gone up to two weeks. He’s supposed to work 2 wks on 2 wks off. Bottom line is I miss him. A LOT. Don’t know much else to say. Just I love and miss ----- a lot! Oh yeah, spent last 2 weekends with him. Met his kids – ---- and ------. They’re sweet as can be. Not used to having 2 kids run around, but it’s all good. Better go to bed, almost midnight. Peace out. One.

Sept. 16th, 2004

Damn ---- if you only knew how much I love you….so, so much. Well, you do, but you should never doubt my love. Never. Just thinking how much this sucks. This is not good….------ being gone. I need him to be here. I don’t see ----- and when we talk on the phone it’s really short and he’s around other people. I guess you could say there’s no quality to it. Quantity for that matter. I’m gonna need some serious strength to keep this up. I want a relationship to be normal for once. Does everything in my life have to be this difficult? I swear, some people just have good things fall into their laps or good luck. However you wanna look at it. It seems all I have are one non normal relationship after another. Not to say ours isn’t normal…it is very normal and beautiful….well, besides the distance. So don’t get the wrong idea. I guess it’s just that I finally have something special and great and I want to be with him all the time. And it’s hard to be apart because of the love I have for him. We will work this out….anything worth keeping is worth the effort, so we will do whatever we have to do to make this better. No doubt it will be fixed. Plus it will get better once I get laid off and I can go with him on his 2 wks off. ---- just called, he makes me feel great. He’s so loving and after I talk to him I know. He’s the one. Damn, I just need more of him. This separation sucks. I gotta hang in there. God give me strength. I can do this. Peace out. One.