A Long Year

I know I've probably wrote you these lyrics before but I heard the song here at the coffee shop and of course it took me back to you. I am missing you horribly. I still can't wrap my brain around the fact that you are gone, which is weird because I can comprehend that I will never love again or share my life intimately again with anyone. That I know is true, but you being gone can't sink in. I still think if I pray hard enough, if I want it bad enough, if I cry hard enough, if I wish hard enough, God will bring you back. You will walk up these stairs in the coffee shop, I will see you walking through a park in Tucson, you will pull up in my driveway, you will walk into my living room while I am watching TV, I will wake up next to you, I will see you in church tomorrow. I look for you all the time. It's like you are gone and I am chasing you, always looking for you. I don't know where to go or where to look, but if I just keep looking you will show up one day. I just have to keep trying and always keep my eyes open, you could show up anywhere. These are places I thought I saw you. When I was skydiving in Caldwell, there you were, the guy who went before me. I thought it was you, something about him reminded me of you so much. I had to try not to stare at him. Then I saw you again in Boise, twice, in church. First one Sunday and then I looked in the same spot the next week and you were almost in the same spot. He had the same hair and face as you. I couldn't stop looking at "you", it was hard for me to focus on mass. Finally, I saw you from a distance in a park in Tucson. You were helping coach a youth football team. It was across the park, but you had light hair and the same body build. If you were still alive I would've sworn it was you. I felt like a pyscho stalker sitting in my car watching you the whole hour - maybe two. If I closed my mind to it all I could really feel like we rewinded back into time and I was waiting for you to finish practice. I could look out my car window and feel it was you, I could look at you with love and admiration. Just for a moment our love came rushing back. I know it's weird, but welcome to the life of a bereaved widow. It's messed up. So while it's weird I can't just believe that you are gone, I can believe that I will be single for the rest of my life. I've come to terms with that. You know people want me to "be happy" and find someone else eventually, but they just don't get it!!!!! This will be a long explanation and I will try carefully to word this properly. Or at least so you can understand. You know what's funny, is I spend this time writing you these letters and you can probably feel me or read my mind...you probably laugh at the length I go through to try to make you understand. Why is it important even? I don't even know. I just need someone to talk to and no one can understand me, us and what we had. No one but you. You were the only person ever to understand me and love me for me. What I think is that people go to great length to try to find love and to them the reward is the actual feeling of love, who cares who they get it from, they just want love. That's the case when you see someone who loses a person, whether through a break up or death, and rebounds to someone else rather quickly. They weren't in love with the person, they were in love with being in love. I can't transfer my love for you to anyone else. Sure I love the feeling of being loved and in love, but I love that feeling when it's tied to YOU, not the feeling all by itself coming from just anyone. These other people who rebound were never clearly in love with that person, only the feelings they experienced. So while I miss our closeness, our love, sharing myself intimately with you, the thought of growing old and loving only you, being loved by you, giving you all of my love - I miss it with YOU, not in general. It can't be replaced with generic broad feelings of love with just anyone. I don't miss being loved or loving in general, I only miss it with YOU. So people think I need to find these feelings again to be happy. No I don't, if I did find them, there would be something missing. Really when it all comes down to it I can't find them, in my mind it is impossible. You were the one who made those feelings come alive inside of me. You were the one who inspired me to give you all my heart and soul, you were the one who opened my eyes. You were the ONLY one EVER who could make me feel that way. I would be a fool to start searching for someone to recreate those feelings. That is impossible, you did that, not Joe Blow. I believe that's the common mistake that people make. They so miss the closeness, the love, the good feelings, but what they fail to realize is that person who is now gone sparked those exact feelings. I can't find someone new to replace you and spark those same feelings. It's impossible, yet you see people searching for that everyday. I am wise enough to know you and only you made me who I was and who I am. So while other people think they know best and I should love again, they are in the dark. They don't know what I know, they haven't experienced what I've experienced, they haven't loved like I have loved, they haven't seen what I have seen. They are ignorant. Throughout our lives we are asked to come to terms with our decisions, with happenstance, with circumstances, with adversity. We are called upon to come to grips with the hand that life deals to us. It's easy to come to grips with something pleasant or happy, we welcome it with open arms. But how do we deal with something unpleasant or seemingly devastating. Do we stew in it stagnantly, flaily about lifelessly? Or do we cope? Do we come to terms with the hand we are dealt? One has to if they are to be a part of life. If they are to fully live and experience life. With that being said, I have no doubt I have come to terms with certain aspects of your death. While I still long for your return and my mind still searches for you, there is a far away crevice that knows I will never recreate or experience what we had. You know how you just know things. I just know. It won't happen again and I'm not being stubborn about this or closed minded, I just know, that's the way it is. That is my reality. Some might say it's sad or I'm being unrealistic or I can't grasp that someday you will be a distant memory and I will love again. But I know, it won't happen. The thing is, I am okay with that. Really. I have come to terms with the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Not alone as in never sharing close friendships or the love of my family, but alone as in the fact that I will never share my life intimately with another, I will never marry another man, I will never love like I loved you. That is real. And that is okay. It's no different than coming to grips with a debilitating injury or some life ending disease. It's something that is a part of an individual, something that can't be taken away. So just as a cancer or AIDS patient must come to grips with their new life as unpleasant as it may be, so must I. How is it any different, we both have circumstances beyond our control, circumstances that if given the choice we would never choose, yet we have them and we must own them. They must not run our lives, we must accept our fate and move forward. Until we can accept our fate we will drown in a wallow of self pity. That I have done I have accepted what will never be. I have accepted it is me and only me until I die, that's okay, I can cope with being alone. I did it for 30 years, so I've got good practice. What saddens me day after day, what brings tears to my eyes is just flat out missing you. I'm sad because you no longer look at me with loving eyes. I cry because I no longer hear the reassurance of your voice. I'm devastated because I will never feel your loving arms wrapped around me. It's the future I'm comfortable with, my problem is with the here and now, for it's that which makes me cry for what I'm missing out on everyday. It's the intense longing and desire that tears up my insides. It's whatever it is in my brain that says you'll still show up at my door or it will be you when I pick up the phone. My mind for today, not the future, is what makes me hurt for you now. For whatever reason I realize the future will be without you, it's just the present that I have a hard time accepting. I have a terrible time adjusting to the loneliness and quietness of my life now. You were sweet music to my ears, you were the soundtrack to my life and then the needle drug across the record and in a moment you were gone. Swept away from my today and tomorrows, leaving me here with our hopes and dreams that will never materialize now. Hopes and dreams that I now have to discard. It's like they are attached to my heart and soul. By throwing away our dreams, I am throwing away you, I am throwing away us. I am throwing a part of me away, the part that was attached to you. I'm not sure if I've thrown us away yet, it's hard to tell. Either I have a open, gaping and burning wound where we once were because, yes, I have thrown us away. Or "us" currently being thrown away is still tearing away with excrutiating pain every single second of everyday. Really it doesn't matter, the pain is the same whether our yesterdays are being gradually torn away or they've already been ripped away. Yes, it's for right now that I'm depressed, not my future. Actually I believe that every new day puts a yesterday behind me, a yesterday that tears a little more at my heart, at my soul, at my being, at my memories. Every day that passes puts a gap between us and as the gap widens it feels as if my wound does too. I feel the tear of you getting further and further apart everyday and oh, how I fight it. I will not let go of you. I refuse. I owe everything good in me to you, this new level of maturity I've achieved because of you. This new level of perspective on life you've given me, and not after you died, but before. You were such an amazing human being. How do you describe perfect-as close as a human being can be to perfect-it was you. Maybe that's why God took you. You were so close, I mean it, you hit the nail on the head. Your perspective on life, people, relationships, the world, it was all right on. I look at you with admiring eyes, you made me want to be like you. So yes, you were in my eyes perfect, you showed me how to live and it's because of you I now have this new perspective on life and on how to treat others. I still shake my head and how precious you were. You were unbelievable, you truly were a gift to me. Is it any wonder I can't let go. Is it any wonder I want to keep the memory alive? I need you to keep me grounded, to keep me focused on what is right. It's not right to forget about the best thing that ever happened to me. It's not right to pretend like you didn't exist. It's not right to "get over you" What is right is to look to you in admiration ... still. Why can't I? Just because I can't physically see you? It's somewhat like Jesus, look what he did for us, he died for us, he died for our sins, he died for our eternal salvation, he died so we could all be resurrected and be together once again. We worship that man and live our life by His (Gods) commandments. Why is it so wrong to look towards you and all that you stood for. I'm not idolizing you over God, for that is a sin, but I am putting you upon a pedestal, one that you deserve to be on. You will always be high on my pedestal, your death does not change that. Honey, you are still here, I know it, you are somewhere that I can't see, you are somewhere that I can't comprehend, but you are out there. I will NOT forget about you. I will never change these feelings I have for you. People also believe I need to love again, what they don't realize is I am in love - right now. I am in love with you. My heart did not stop beating when you left us. I continue to live and breathe for you. My heart pumps blood through my veins for you. My soul longs for you. You are the reason I get up every morning, you are the reason I can continue on with this dull and meaningless life. It's all about hope; the hope that we will be reunited once again. If there was no hope of ever seeing you again or of ever lasting life I would have ended this misery long ago. Most likely the day you left me. But I hang in there with the hope that we will be reunited again. The answer to everyone who thinks I need to love again is no, I don't. I am in love and trying to find love or achieve love again is not the answer. The solution to ones problem is not love, it is not replacing your love or searching for a substitute. Being in love or falling in love does not bring complete happiness. People fall in love with others all the time, it's the reciprocation of our love that warms our hearts and brings us to to bliss. What good does it do to love if it's not reciprocated back. I am in love, it's not the answer. I can't physically show you how much I love you everyday, nor can I verbally shower you with sweet nothings. If I receive nothing in return, no reassurance, what good does it do to offer up all of me, every ounce of my heart and soul? So to those who say fall in love, that is not the answer, love is a two way street. I do not need to fall in love, for I am already in love. I realize I will never have that reassurance of your love again, but I am sure that my reward of loyalty towards you will be paid in full once we are re united in Heaven. It does not bother me to devote my heart, soul and all my love to you, knowing that there is no promise at the end. That is okay, because if it's all for not, that means when we die we are dead and nothing else, it's not like I would have regrets, my life would be done and it would be what it was. Whereas, if there is indeed the promise of Heaven and a life of resurrection than I will be so thankful for what I am about to partake. It will all be worth it, this is my sacrifice to the Lord and to you. I will remain loyal to you for all eternity, I will be celibate for the rest of my life, for I have faith that we will be together again. Well my steam has run out and I am verbally winded, I leave you with these lyrics that I have changed up a bit:

A long december and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin'
Now the days go by so fast
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in these woods
If you think that I could be forsaken...i wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches as it whirls
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in these woods
If you think you might come to clarkia...i think you should
Drove up to bechtel butte sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things I could not show ya
And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And its one more day up in the canyon
And its one more night in these woods
Its been so long since Ive seen the ocean...i guess I should