We would like you to start by thinking back at your loss experience. By this we mean the period between the time you first became aware your partner might die or had die up until and including your partner’s funeral. Then decide for yourself which moments or events during this period have been most significant to you and/or difficult to talk or think about. Try to write down these moments or events in as much detail as possible, including such facts as where you were, what happened, how you felt, what you were thinking, sights and sounds etc. Please note, we do not expect you to write down the whole sequence of events that took place during this period. Try to focus on the most significant moments or events.
It was the worst three words that I've ever heard in my whole life; these three words have turned my world upside down, "we lost -----." He had left a day earlier to work. He was on his days off and wasn't even scheduled to work. He was a helicopter pilot filling in for his co-worker who wanted to leave a day early. I talked to him as he was driving to work about 3 in the morning and then again at 4 am because he wasn't going to have cell coverage. I knew he wouldn't be calling me until later in the evening. He would have to land at dusk and then drive about an hour to get back into cell coverage. The phone rang at 8 p.m. ish (maybe), I used to know, but I'm not sure what time it was now. It was dark outside. When I answered the phone and it was his mom, I knew. I immediately got a pit in my stomach. She asked, "how are you doing?" But not in a "I haven't talked to you in awhile how are you doing", more of a feeler-had I heard sort of question. Her tone of voice and the way she asked the question, not to mention, this is the first time she ever called me without ----- being around. I knew. When she asked me how I was doing, I wanted her to say so bad, he was in the hospital or he had been injured badly. Anything, but those three words she was about to say that changed my life forever. I answered her, "Fine," with a long pause and then I added after a moment of silence from the other end, ".....I think." That's when she told me, we lost ----. I have no clue what I said or what she said. I don't know if she hung up or I did, did we cry? Did I ask what happened? Well, now that I think back, I remember she told me it happened at 10 am. That's all I remember from our conversation, if you could call it that. I was standing in my living room when I heard the news. I remember putting the phone on the love seat and collapsing to my knees and crying and crying and then getting up and pacing back and forth in the foyer, back and forth, back and forth, with my hands on my head, I don't know what I was thinking. Probably, "this can't be real." My knees got so weak, I collapsed to the floor and slammed my fists to the floor until my wrist bones became bruised and sore. I can't remember much if I was crying then. Maybe I was saying no, no, no over and over. I'm not sure how much time passed before I called my mom and told her, ---- died. She starting crying saying no, no, no. I remember that, nothing else of that phone call. I didn't want to call anyone else in my family, I knew mom would. ----- and I had a seperate home a couple hours away we shared. While he was gone I was staying at a seperate house where I work. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I couldn't stay at my place all by myself. I drove, even though I knew I shouldn't, but I didn't care, I wanted to die. I drove 2 hrs to our place just so I could be in our bed for the last time. That's all I could think, this will be the last time I will ever stay here. I don't remember the drive, I don't remember what I did when I got there, I did get in our bed and sleep at some point. I woke up the next morning and I think I went to my dads. A neighbor was there and my sister drove over from where she lived and my other sister was there and maybe my mom and step dad showed up????? I remember going to church with dad, step mom, little brothers, sisters and nephew. Maybe my mom and step-dad even went. Everything is a blur, I really don't remember specifics. As we drove to church I do remember asking them to play the cd that had the song that ----- wanted at his funeral, Train - When I Look To The Sky. The first song on the cd was 'Calling All Angels' and I was looking out the window and it was a blur. I was in my own little world. I saw nothing, I felt nothing, I heard nothing. Maybe I heard my family crying. I wasn't crying but somehow tears were streaming down my face without me even trying. That song is vivid. When I was in church my 3 yr old nephew asked me, "Who are you going to marry now?" (----- and I were engaged to be married in a month) I told him "I don't know" and he said he would marry me. The pastor said a prayer for ----- and all I could do was sit there like a zombie. Still it didn't seem like I was crying, but there were tears. From that day I don't remember how many days passed until his funeral. It could have been three days or a month, I really don't know, time stood still for me. In the meantime his mom made the funeral arrangements and I traveled back and forth to our other house packing up our stuff and cleaning. I think I did this for what seemed like days. Up before dawn and back late at night. Busy, busy, busy. Maybe only getting a few hours sleep a night, not because I couldn't sleep, but because I was working on getting his affairs in order. I did sleep, I never had a problem with that, but it's only because I worked myself to exhaustion everyday cleaning, packing, moving, driving, phone calls, etc. etc. Nothing stands out too much during this time except a "friend" drove from across the state to console me, but she ended up being a basket case and I had to talk her out of committing suicide. She talked for days about herself. Hours upon hours. All while I cleaned, moved and took care of his bills, house, etc. etc. Although she was by my side all day, everyday, she never lifted a finger to help. All she did was tell me about how horrible her life was and that she wanted to take all these pills she had to end her life. I remember once when she went to the bathroom, looking up towards God and shaking my head, asking him if this was some sort of cruel trick. She eventually fainted and I thought, 'Oh great, another person died on me.' She ended up being okay (kind of) and I babysat her for the rest of her stay. I thought it was ironic that she came to "help" me in my time of need and I ended up being the strong person to help her....it was ridiculous. Overall, it's probably safe to say that it's all very blurry and I never realized it until I thought about the assignment question. I really don't think I have ever really reflected back to when it all happened. Occassionally the words, "We lost -----" would echo over and over in my mind and I could see myself collapsing to my knees. Even then I never reflected back with much, if any, emotion. Typing this made me realize that I have barely revisited that time. As for the funeral, it was a long drive with an over night stay. It was a lot of his family, friends and co-workers from a different time in his life that I didn't know. I had friends and family too, but so many people were coming up to me and introducing themselves I didn't even get time to be near my own family and friends. The funeral was a blur and the only significant thing I remembered about the funeral is that his high school girlfriend gave me his football jersey and it brought me to tears. People wanted me to drink, but I rarely drink. All I wanted was to escape, be alone and be far away from all these people that I didn't know. I certainly wasn't in a social mood. My best friend flew up, but I don't remember how she got back to the airport or even if she stayed with me that night. I drove to the funeral with her, but not back. Who knows where she went or how she got home. I've never thought about it. Hmmmm. Like I said it was all a blur, very few events are clear in my mind and the ones that are I just spoke about. You ask which moments are most difficult to talk or think about. I have never talked about it with anyone, not because I don't have people to talk to, but I just don't talk to people about it because I don't want to make anyone uneasy around me and think that they have to avoid me because I'm one of those people who pour out their heart and soul and don't shut up. I'll keep it in and avoid the risk of "chasing people away". Needless to say, the moments I have found most difficult to talk about or think about are based off of typing this since I have never reflected back to that time or shared that time with anyone. I've realized my reaction to the phone call, the rest of that night and the day I went to my dads and church with my family (I think it was the next day) gave me a huge pit in my stomach. It is those moments that I recall most vividly. The rest is vague and because it was such a numbing/zombie-like time for me, I don't really associate much emotion with the rest of that time. When I do think back, it's always memories of ----- being alive, or even sometimes imaging what he went through during the crash, but not after that.
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