The Girls

I talked to xxx and her mom the other day, two days ago now. xxx called me and I was so happy to hear her voice. She asked what I was doing June 6th, maybe 7th, I can't remember now. She doesn't have school and wanted to hang out. Which is cool. I'm a horrible "mother". I have seen them (xxx & xxx) every month since you have died, except March and now the month of April is passing and that will make it two months in a row. That's not cool, but I will see xxx in a week or so cuz I have to go to CDA to get my ring cleaned and then again in June, so that will be good. So xxx and I talked for about 3 or 4 minutes before I heard xxx say in the background "who are you talking to" in a mean voice. It got quiet and I heard xxx say, "here you talk to her" So I ended up talking to xxx for awhile and by then xxx had disappeared so I didn't get to even tell her I love her. When I asked xxx about the June 6th, 7th date, she said that was fine. It was on a Thursday, so I said something to the effect that we could just hang out that day since she'd have school the next day. xxx says, "oh, that doesn't matter, she can miss." Then she went on to say that xxx hadn't been to school the last three days because someone made fun of her on Monday, so she didn't want to go back, so xxx says, "well she does have the sniffles, so she is sick." Basically, laughing about justifying it that way. I just shake my head and wonder what you can see from up above, it's got to make your stomach turn. Seeing all you see, how can there not be any other emotion in Heaven besides love. How, as a father, would you being able to see the injustice being done to "your little angel" and not hurt??????????? I think what you must think about the whole situation. Crazy. Then I asked about xxx. "She's gone, runaway, kind of" So she eventually elaborates and tells me that she has 27 parole violations and they wanted to put her in a juvenile detention center or home of sorts until she's 18. Apparently xxx or xxx don't want that, so she is harboring xxx somewhere. She said she was going to ----- tonight to see her and they were going to spend the night in a hotel. What the hell???? Seriously, it makes my stomach turn right now and cry. None of this would be happening if you were here. Why does life have to be this way?? I don't even wonder what life would be like if you were still here....I don't have to wonder because I KNOW. I know what life would be like if you were here. I certainly know none of this would be happening. I can't speak for -----, because she has a mind of her own, but at least you and me could have hopefully had some positive influence and she probably would've been living with us. How could ---- possibly think any of what she is doing is okay? What has led her to believe that what she is doing is okay. Was she really raised that way? She's thinking about moving to Washington (--- --), so ---- can enter into a different juvenile system. Funny thing is, I think Washington is stricter than Idaho. That's the answer ----, run from your problems and they'll keep following you. Did it ever cross your mind that if you would just deal with them they might just go away? Ooooooh, (big sigh) honey, how can something as beautiful, good and pure as you have something like this associated with you. Who would've ever thought, that in meeting and falling in love with you, that would all leave and be gone and I'd be stuck with these sorts of remnants? It's not supposed to be like this. I want somehow, someway to help ---- (and ---). What leverage do I have? What resources do I have? How can I? I feel like my hands are tied as I watch this all unfold from the sidelines. I hope so bad that ----- gets caught up and she ends up getting both --- and --- taken away. In fact, --- said they are talking about putting her in jail for 10 days for harboring ----, or aiding and abetting. Something along those lines. If that happened that might be the straw that breaks the camels back and maybe something will be done with ---. Maybe she will be placed in a new home. I never thought of this though, what if the people in the new place have restrictions and they won't let me see ---, or even talk to her. That could be a reality. Well, that's far off in the future if it even happens. I imagine --- would get her before it even came down to that. I shouldn't even waste my time thinking of that.
So that's the update on our kids. Probably not surprising to you, especially if you can see all. It tears me up and my dumb ass uses this stupid avoidance tactic, so I don't hurt, but how selfish is that. They hurt, I hurt, we all hurt. My job is to make their hurt less, even if it means I take the brunt of it. I have the ability to shoulder all this pain better than they do. My coping skills are better (even if they do seem to suck sometimes). I've got to get my mind right and set aside more time for those girls. I feel like a failure to you honey. I feel like a failure to those girls. I feel like I let you and them down. I am a better person than this, I've just got to get my mind right. This does not get better. let me tell you that. Well, I'm going to go now. I sure love you and have been thinking about a lot of our memories lately. Yeah, it hurts, but it's a highlight reel that won't stop playing. I can't control it. So I suffer day in and day out as I wait for the day we will be together again. You are beautiful honey, I will never ever in my whole life forget about you and how much you meant to me. You are my forever, my one and only - the only one. I love you my kdub. xoxoxox