It's Not Right

I hurt honey. A lot. We had so much we never got to share or do together. I wanted to share the rest of my life with YOU. Not any one else on this earth, just you. I went to my neighbors tonight because their son turned one and it was really bothersome for me. I looked at ---- and ----- being such good parents, sharing in the joy of their sons first birthday and all I could think about was that could've been me and you someday sharing that same joy, but now we can't. It will never happen, I will never know that joy to share a child with someone who I love sooo much. I can only watch others and make myself sick thinking that should be us. Then they had their friends there, 3 other couples and then -----, who's engaged to be married this fall. I felt so out of place, they all have somebody and I have nothing. Yeah, I HAD what they all have and I appreciate it more than all of them put together. Now I have nothing even close to what any of them have. All I ever wanted in my life was to share it with someone like you. Now what do I have. Absolutely nothing. If I could offer up my life to someone and say, "hey take my life, live the life that I've lived", I would never do it. I would never subject any other human being to this pain that I feel or to this emptiness that's in my soul. Yeah, I've done so much, accomplished much, been very successful in everything I've ever done, traveled, got a college degree, many friends, a great family, on and on and on. On the outside I've done it all and have it all. But your loss has overshadowed everything I've ever accomplished. You have tainted all the good in my life. All the good I've accomplished or have means nothing to me. You are all I want, you are what I lived for. It never used to be that way, but the moment I met you, was the moment I dedicated my life to you. I still want that. I can't put my mind or focus anywhere else, because nothing is as fulfilling as you. Nothing will ever bring me the joy or happiness that you brought to my life. I feel so, so empty now. It's not good for me to be around couples or people in relationships. It does nothing for me, but make me sorrowful or make me long for you sooooo bad. I hurt so deep right now because you can't be with me. You can't share a thing of my life with me anymore. This is my life now and you know nothing about it. You can't see this earth anymore, you can't see what I go through everyday. It's all meaningless. This is my life and I hate it. I hate it so much honey. I don't know what to do. All I want is just one second with you. All I want is for one more try. All I want is for it to be like it used to be. All I want is us....that's it honey, just you. In our whole lives, that is nothing. People beg for riches, happiness, financial freedom, a good job, friends, a new house, car, etc. etc. People want all these things and all I want is a person. That's it, just a single human being to share my life with. And that one person is you - not anyone else on this whole earth, it's just you. Why did this have to happen? I want so bad to be gone from this earth. I don't like being here, I don't like experiencing the feelings and thoughts that come from missing you or thinking about where we should be or what we should have. I don't like this at all. I don't know sometimes what keeps me from just ending it and putting me out of my misery. I do know, it's the promise of Heaven and eternal life, but I guess I'm too impatient; a product of today's society. I want it now. I want you now. I don't want to wait until Heaven. And what if when you get to Heaven love is all equal (like I suspect it will be), we won't be a couple or I won't be any closer to you than I'd be to my Uncle xxx or my friend, Katie xxxx. We will all be equal, at least that's what I think in my mind. In Heaven I will be so full of love it won't matter, I'm sure of that. It won't matter one bit, but I'm not in Heaven, I am on earth and I have needs and you were my only need. That's it. I need one thing in my life and I lose it. I am on earth and I'm here for a long time probably and I can't stand thinking about you over and over for a long time. I want you in my life right now on earth and I want you to be here so I won't hurt anymore. As long as you are gone there will be a huge void in my heart and soul. I am going to have to live the rest of my life like this. I don't want any other human being to enter into my life and taint what we had. To this day I still won't entertain the idea of being with someone else. I will be single for the rest of my life and I will never even get close to another man. You will be the last thing ever that touched, kissed or loved me. It will be you forever, for the rest of my life. Don't you worry - when I get to Heaven, if we can be couples, it won't be ruined by me being with someone on this earth. Plus I honestly can't even fathom ever loving anyone ever again. No way. It seems so impossible. Like changing the frog into a prince, it just is NOT possible, that's how I view loving again. It just is impossible, it WON'T happen again. Maybe you can see me and you are in Heaven wanting me to love again so bad, but that's not how I work. I am so loyal and you have to know the depth of it. You have to know more than us humans know. So maybe (I hope not) you want me to fall in love again, but it won't happen. I will be eternally faithful to you. I will dedicate the rest of my life to something - not another person, but something. Maybe being a nun, I honestly do still think about that. Maybe to being a basketball coach, maybe to being a librarian, maybe to being an author or a scholar. I'm not sure yet, but it will become clear. I most certainly won't share my life with anyone ever again. You were and are my only one honey. Yes, it hurts me so that you aren't here, but guaranteed, the answer is not to fill that void with another person. You can NEVER be replaced by any human form, you were/are too perfect. That would lead to disappointment. Not to mention, I believe that to be a slap in your face. To me it says you meant nothing and you are a dime a dozen and easily replaceable. We both know you are irreplaceable and no person could even come close to being like you. I certainly will never look for anyone to share my life with. I will look for other things to fill your void. I know nothing will ever fill it completely, but hopefully enough to get me through each day until I die and I'm reunited with you. Until that day you can be assured I am faithful to you and you only. I will see you in Heaven again. If it's all for nothing, the nice thing is, it's Heaven, nothing as petty as limiting myself to only you will be a bother in Heaven. I'll be in Heaven for Gods sakes, it won't matter that I was never with anyone again. I'll be happy....when you are in Heaven I'm sure you don't have regrets or sadness or even a desire to have done things differently. You are in the best place in the world. In Heaven you don't think about the past....you are just a big ball of love and everything in the world is great. There are no negative thoughts or emotions.....so even if I do suffer the rest of my life, it doesn't matter when I get to Heaven cuz I'm FINALLY there!!! That will be a happy, happy moment. Even happier than the day you asked me to marry you. The best day ever (or the day we met). I felt the most happiness ever on the day you asked me to marry you, but accumulatively the day we met is the day that started the happiest time of my life, so yes that was a happy day, although I didn't know it at the time, so I have to pick the time that actually made me soooo happy I cried. How often does one cry tears of joy.....well, when the man of their dreams asks you to marry him. Asks you to share the rest of his life. Asks you over all the other human beings in the whole world that he could've picked instead. That's when one cries tears of joy. You are the best honey. You were and always will be, that will never change! I love you forever and ever until the day I die and then of course right into Heaven when we will meet again. I dedicate my life to you honey. You are the dim light that keeps me going through all these dark days. Love you beautiful, your baby girl. xoxoxo