Opportunity

You are always on my mind. I think of you all day. I'm back to work now and you're always on my mind, all I want is for you to be back. Spring is the most beautiful time of the year, but it's ruined by all our good memories. I'm doing burn plans at work and right now I'm doing an elk habitat burn plan which means it's all aerial ignition. So I have to write about briefing the pilot, hazards of flying, helicopter this, helicopter that. And on top of that all I can do is think of all the times we spent together in the helicopter doing PSD or even helitorch burns. We worked together a lot on burns in 2003, 2004 and 2005. It tears me up, this is why I want to just leave and get the hell out of this job. I get the biggest pit in my stomach talking or thinking about stupid ass prescribed burning - aerial ignition. I just want this all to go away, but I also want God to give me pain 'til I die if that's what it takes to get to Heaven or to see you again. I will take pain all day, every day for the rest of my life. I feel like what is wrong with me, I feel so sad and miserable all the time. I feel like my life isn't right and I don't like it much. I do my job, I laugh with friends, I do fun things, I try, I try, I try and still nothing seems to fix this emptiness and alienated feeling I have. I feel like I live in my own little world and nobody, absolutely nobody has a clue how I suffer everyday. How I suffer to even wake up, how I suffer to work out everyday, how I suffer to get dressed, to shower, to clean my house, to pay my bills, to go to work, to like work, to smile all day, to pretend like my life is a some sort of gift when really I feel like it's been nothing but fucked up. I don't know what will make me better. Being around family doesn't, being around my friends doesn't, traveling doesn't .... i just don't know. Nothing that I've tried makes you go away. Nothing makes these sharp pains in my chest go away - the sharp pains I get whenever I think of you. Whenever you pop into my head unexpectedly. They come and immediately ....ugggggggggh, that's what I feel. And I feel like taking a knife and plunging it into my chest over and over and over and over and over and over until it all goes away. I don't want to plunge a knife into my chest to kill myself, I want to do it to kill the pain, to make that pain in my chest go away. I want to kill it. I want out of this life. I just want to get away. I just want you. That's all I want. I want to be next to you again laughing and planning a future. I want to be madly in love again with you by my side. I swear to you God, that is all I want. I don't want a job, I don't want a mansion, I don't want 500 billion dollars, I don't want my own tropical island, I don't want all the friends in the world, I don't want 10 exotic sports cars......I don't want anything but YOU. That's it. Maybe that's why I'm so miserable because I know that no matter what I achieve or gain, it won't matter. It won't make any difference in my life. I could win the lottery tomorrow and I wouldn't even care because I don't have you to share it with. I could get my dream job tomorrow and I wouldn't even care because you're not included in the package. So that's it, I think I just figured it out. That's why I'm so unhappy because there is no hope. My future does not look bright no matter what happens. Most people look for opportunities to move up in their job, to succeed in this world, to travel, to acquire more wealth or more materialistic goods. I don't desire any of those things. If an opportunity came my way to have or do any of those things I would not jump all over it or take advantage of it. I look for opportunities to die. This is how I think - driving to work, I could die that way. Going around this corner, if it's icey and slick I could slide off the road and die here. This log truck coming right at me, all I have to do is swerve in front of him and I am dead. Lighting this unit on fire, I could die today. I could die cutting down this tree today. I could die scouting out in front of this fire. I could die sleeping at this truck stop tonight. I could die sky diving. I could die driving a lot of ways. I could die while I'm running along this road, all someone has to do is hit me. Hit me dammit!!! Those to me are opportunities. Those are a grieving widows opportunities. Not opportunities for gain, but opportunities for death. I welcome death, more like I welcome an escape from this life. I would never do this, but I think about doing some sort of drug or drugs that would make my reality go away. Something that would make me numb to the reality of my world. I don't know when this will all go away and like I said, give me pain til I die. It doesn't matter, I welcome it. It just sucks because I suffer every second of the day and I feel like people think, she's all good, when that's the furthest thing from the truth. Blah. Blah, on this life. I don't know why or how I keep going, but I do. And it sucks - life without you just plain sucks and you have changed my world into a world that's no longer appealing to me. I only want this world if you are by my side, but you're not, so I don't care. I don't want it. I just want to escape this reality. Ugggggghhhh, it never goes away and I can't even begin to make it go away, so instead I just suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer - everyday, every minute, every second. God take me away please. And I guess this is a letter to you honey, yeah, you're probably really proud of the girl I've become, well I can't fuckin help it. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart about my attitude and my thoughts, but at least I still get up everyday, at least I still go to work, at least I still have friends, at least I don't drink or do drugs to escape reality, at least I TRY. I don't know what else to do, but I apologize for being this new piece of crap ball of pain. If you would've never left.......

So I love you and that's forever and it will NEVER die. I love you with every ounce of my heart and soul. I love you honey and I miss you so much - it tears me up inside, the pain of missing you. I LOVE U & MISS U!!! xoxoxox