Bereavement study: homework assignment 4

Homework assignment 4

Please imagine that a good friend of yours has recently suffered a similar loss to the one you have. In this fourth writing task we would like you to write a letter of advice to this friend. Try to use the following points in writing this letter.

1. What moments were especially difficult for you during and since your loss? Maybe you can offer your friend the same advice that you would like to have had during those difficult moments.
2. Try to think back to writing tasks 1 through 3. What issues did you write about? Perhaps you could also pay some attention to these issues in your letter.
3. Suppose your friend has the same attitude toward important things (such as life, the future) as you yourself had following the death of your partner. Would you try to change your friend’s attitude? Why or why not?
4. Is your friend likely to be having any unhelpful thoughts with respect to the loss? If so, what alternative, helpful thoughts can you offer to your friend?
5. Is there something to be learned in time from what your friend has been through? If so, what can be learned from it?

Dear Friend, I’m sorry to hear about your recent loss. You will encounter much difficulty during this trying time. The first few months may seem like the worst ones, but in my mind they were the best ones. You’re probably thinking that sounds crazy at this point in time, but let me explain. When it first happens, as you know, you are very numbed to what has happened and to life in general. You will be like a zombie. You make it through everyday. You don’t know how, but you will. Don’t even wonder, it just happens. This is the time that someone could tell you to dive into a brick wall and you would just say okay because you don’t have a clue what’s going on. Nothing will matter. Why do I think this is so great, because as time goes on the reality begins to set in more and more, which means so does the pain. Maybe it will be a personal call for you – numbness vs. pain. Personally, I liked being numb and out of touch with reality. It will be difficult to get out of bed every morning, it will be difficult to shower everyday or even care about your hygiene or what you look like. You won’t even think to eat. Your basic survival instincts will kick in, you won’t be thinking about anything else in your life. Your bills will pile up, your dishes & laundry will pile up, you’ll lose weight. It’s hard to say how sleep will be. I slept fine, but that’s only because I was trying to take care of all his affairs and I ran myself into the ground everyday. Emotions & stress really drain a person. Some people can’t sleep at all and I did go through times like that when everything slowed down a bit. In fact, I didn’t want to sleep at all. Sleep met nightmares and going to bed met that would be all the sooner that I’d have to wake up another day without Kenny by my side. Everyday that passed felt like another day further away from Kenny. I hated that feeling. Waking up every morning is the worst. It’s a big dose of reality slapped across your face day after day after day. All you’ll want is for it all to be a bad dream and you’ll think maybe if I go to sleep tonight, tomorrow I’ll wake up and he’ll be next to me, but it never happens, so you have to deal with a horrible feeling every morning. But sometimes all you want to do is sleep. Sleep takes you away from reality. Sleep perchance to dream. A dream of your loved one will make your morning. Sometimes the dreams will be so real, you will swear you spent the night in his “world”. People will be all over trying to give you things and do things for you, which is great (sometimes). Personally, I didn’t mind people doing what they could for me, but I didn’t want to talk to them or see them. I just wanted to be alone. I guess that will depend on your personality. You will either wish they would just leave you alone, so you could grieve in privacy. Or you will be thankful for them. Sometimes it will be cool to talk about your loved one and sometimes you’ll just want people to shut up about it. You’ve had enough. But don’t worry those people that say “if you need anything let me know” will be gone in a few months. They won’t care anymore. Or if you do take people up on their offer, some will follow through and some won’t. You will also see that some people are scared shitless to talk to you about it or they will avoid you like the plague. Those are the best because I will make a point to bring up Kenny’s name just to watch them squirm. They act like it’s contagious. It’s like if I say Kenny’s name they will die. I guess you just have to try to remember that they are trying their best, even if you think they are an idiot; they don’t know how to act. But still, they will make you mad. Very few people can handle themselves normally around you. You will have to pretend like he never existed. Talking about him is a big taboo, people will shit their pants and learn really quick to avoid you. It’s best to act normal and never bring it up. That will make you suffer, but everyone around you will be “normal” and at least hang around you. If you start bawling and whining about “poor me” and talking endlessly about him, people will start to avoid you. I’ve seen it with another friend whose husband died close to the time of Kenny. I saw how she was and how people reacted and because of that I chose to keep it all in. Except when I wanted to be a smart ass and make people uncomfortable. Every little thing will set you off and make you mad. You will want to knock everyone out. You will be on the edge and always on the verge of either snapping or crying. You may want to feel like staying away from work, but it is an okay thing. As much as you hate getting up and getting ready in the morning, it will be helpful to be around people, no matter how ignorant they are. Yet there will be some that are very caring and understanding. They will make your work okay. All you want is to be able to relate to someone or something. You will want to know if you are normal. You will wish people could understand. You will be lucky if you can find someone who can relate, they will be helpful to you. You may try to read some books on grief and see what kind of ride you’re in for. They pretty much suck. Bunch of therapists who have more than likely never lost anyone close and yet they will tell you what stages you will go through and what is best for you. I probably read 10-15 grief/coping books and most of them were a disappointment. The best parts in all the books were peoples’ actual stories & feelings cuz you knew they got. You felt the same way! Yeah, that’s exactly how I feel. I enjoyed reading peoples own stories, not some therapists interpretation of how I should be feeling, so really I wouldn’t waste time on books. If you’re interested I’ll give you the one or two that were worth a damn. The Bible goes without saying. When you have nothing, you always have God. You will lean on the God more than you ever have before in your life. In fact, you will wonder how people make it through without faith. You may question why? But deep down, you know the answer. The only time I felt okay or any better than a smashed cat was when I was in church. I wish I didn’t live an hour away or I would’ve been there every night. Work offered up a free shrink, I certainly didn’t see the good in that. All she did was ask if I was eating, sleeping, working, exercising, had family & friends and did I feel there was someone I could talk to. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. “Well, you’re doing all you can do considering the circumstances.” Like they say in Starsky & Hutch, “you’re a real benefit to have.” I never went again. I suppose if you like to whine about your life and problems and want someone to listen to you, that’s the place to go, but really it did nothing for me. Really no one can do anything for you. It’s all on your shoulders. You control your destiny. Will you wallow in it and want a pity party from everyone or will you suck it up and eventually it will get better. Sure, it’s hell and it hurts, but we all know that depth of pain won’t last forever. Writing helped me. I email Kenny almost everyday and tell him how I feel. I could hate life that day or I could feel strong or I could ask a million why’s. Whatever I’m feeling that day I just write a letter to Kenny and send it to his email. It makes me feel better and I’ve just spared a friend from having to listen to me. That helped a lot. I guess just find a way to vent your emotions. Keep playing ball and exercising. It will give you just enough seratonin to maybe even pick up your laundry or shower or do a dish. It will help. Mainly just do whatever you want. Screw everybody because all of the sudden everyone will become an expert on what is best for you. You may not have the energy to say no or go against the flow, but just say ‘yes, I need this’ or ‘no, I don’t.’ Typically, people won’t question you. Do whatever YOU need to do to make YOU better. If you know you need to do something to get better, don’t let anyone else tell you different. You know. And finally, you will be a different person now. Your outlook on life will change, maybe dramatically, maybe just a little bit, but you will change the way you view things. What’s important in your life will change. You will feel lost, you will wonder what happened to the old you, but I’d be willing to bet that this new you is a new & improved version of your old self. Consider yourself changed for the better. Overall, my advice to you is to just be prepared for a wild rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, a change in your personality and priorities and don’t have expectations of what this will be like. It will all just happen and your life will slowly, but surely fall back into places. The pieces may not land in the same places, but give it time, they will. And what I think is the most important is just take it day to day, even minute to minute. Worrying about the future will not help. Just exist, God will show you the way. Peace.