Hell In The Hallway

"Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though
Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"

Sometimes

Sometimes I get busy and I don't write you like I should....but I am busy with your memorial site....I want it to be the most beautiful thing ever. I want it so bad to reflect the love that ----- and I have for you. I feel like the more perfect it is the more it truly represents you. So I have been on this internet, neglecting everything trying to find poems and pictures for your page. Your mom loves it and for that I am thankful, she seems to enjoy it and has been using it as a tool to express her emotions. I think that is important for her, I don't think it is easy for her to talk about you, but I think it is a little bit easier for her to write to you. So I hope I have done some good for your mom and I am contributing to her healing process. Honey, I am crying right now because we are all in still so much pain. Why did we have to lose you? Why us? This is supposed to happen to other people, not us. As I look at the other memorial sites that people have erected I shake my head. All these people were so young and died so tragically. Why? There are so many, I would've never guessed. And I see all the families pain, it's hard to believe I am one of them. I would never in a million years pictured I would be in this situation. And most importantly in a million years I would've never guessed the pain to be so intense. NEVER. I knew this kind of stuff had to of really hurt people, but I didn't think it would be like this. I guess I don't know what I thought it would be like, I never really thought about it. I just assumed as time went on people just moved forward and it hurt them in the recesses of their mind. I thought it faded. But it doesn't. Do you know what time does honey, it makes you get better at hiding the pain. It doesn't lessen the pain at all. We just get better at masking it. I hurt so bad. I want us to be together again so bad. My mind is so confused. I try to tell myself, maybe it's better this way, but what the fuck am I thinking....why do I think that? That is ridiculous. You were the most loving and amazing person I have ever met. I think I try to trick myself into thinking that this isn't so bad so the pain doesn't hurt me as much. Well, screw that, I will take all the pain. Now matter how deep it is or how long it lasts. I will not lessen the pain by denying the truth that you were the only one for me. I will not deny any truths....the truth that you treated me like a queen and no man will ever even come close to you. I believed that while I lived so why does my mind try to tell me, well, maybe there is someone else out there. Shut up, there is not, no matter what my mind says. The truth is you were one of a kind and you were my soul mate. There is only one of those in your lifetime. I had one and now you are gone. Life is tough, I need to deal. It sucks that I only had one chance, but I got it and it was a glorious beautiful thing. You did that honey, it was you who made it the time of my life. I know why my mind tells me those lies because what we shared was amazing....any human being would want to recreate what we had. Of course, it's only natural that I would want to recreate it all again. I do, I really, really do. I would give anything to feel those emotions again and it hurts my heart so bad to know that I never will again for the rest of my life. But what my mind doesn't understand and my heart does is it can't be recreated. The only possibility of recreating something that we experienced together is to be together again. My heart knows I can't gain the happiness and pure joy we shared with someone else. It's not possible, but my mind is so dumb it wants that "high" again and it's trying to drive me to get it. I have to keep telling myself to shut up because it will NOT happen again. Not because of this bullshit that people say, "I can't get close again, I don't want to get hurt." Well, that honestly doesn't apply to me. #1 - I am so numb that anyone in my life could die right now and the pain can't get any deeper, it's as deep as I can go. So if I got close to someone else and they died again....oh well. #2 The love that you and I experienced is well worth the hurt. If I had to redo it all over again knowing this same pain would happen. I would do it again. Not only would I do it again but I would do it over and over and over. So the getting hurt part doesn't bother me cuz the love is always worth the hurt. So I guess those are my two reasons that I can prove to you I am not using that cop out excuse. Not getting close to someone for fear of pain is stupid and in my mind uncontrollable, I know I personally can't control who I take a liking to. It just happens, I don't think of the future and what could happen. I think of the moment we are in and if it's good I enjoy it. Fear does not come into play. Anyhow, the real reason is I KNOW for certain that what we had was REAL, UNIQUE and only ONCE in a lifetime. I am a fool to believe I can ever get that again. Besides Heaven. So my next step which I am fine with, it's just the pain of it, is that I must convince my mind that the truth is there is no other ----. Longing for the emotions and feelings that were so good is natural, but the sooner I can get past that longing the better it will be for me. That is half the pain right there. Maybe even most of it. Because really if you think about it, the feelings you evoked in me were what attracted me to you I suppose. Think about this, this is new to me, a new revelation, so go with me on this one for a second. What if you came back but you were a different person (looked the same but acted different) and you didn't evoke the same emotions in me. Well, if you don't conjure up love, passion, admiration, respect and a lot of other emotions you wouldn't be as appealing would you? Or you could come back with a different shell. What if you came back and looked like the average Joe but you acted the same as you used to. Your actions would evoke the same responses in me because that's what I'm attracted to and I would like you even if you didn't look the same. So I guess what I really long for is the same things that evoked the emotions in me that made me look at you with love and admiration (to only name two of many). I must be tired because I feel like I just said something really dumb. What kind of revelation is that? haha. Oh well, you are used to me asking you all sorts of deep questions and rambling on about stuff like this. I suppose I will go to bed now. I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. What you did for me and how your treated me was exemplary, you really knew how to make a woman feel good. I will forever be thankful for what we shared. I will cherish it forever in my heart. It will take up all my heart. I never want anyone else to replace you or our memories. They are ours forever. I sometimes feel you slipping away and I hate that more than anything. I DONT want that. Please stay with me, don't take away my feelings, don't take away my memories. Honey, I need you. I want you forever so please don't slip away. I NEED YOU!! I love you honey, oh how I just wish I was in Heaven with you right now. Forget this crappy thing we call life here on earth. I want you, I want Heaven, I want Jesus and I want God. Work on that for me, will ya' honey. I could always trust you. I love you honey...you are gorgeous and you are beautiful.

Please

Please, don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never be over it.

Please, don't tell me he's in a better place.
He isn't here with me.

Please, don't say at least he isn't suffering.
I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all.

Please, don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost a loved one.

Please, don't tell me at least you had him for so many years.
What year would you choose for your husband to die?

Please, just say you're sorry.
Please, just say you remember -------, if you do.
Please, just let me talk about my husband.
Please, just mention -------'s name.
Please, just let me cry.

Author unknown

Whispers From Heaven

9 Days Later

You found God and 9 days later you were gone. That's so important, yet I haven't thought of it in a long time. Remember when you came home from the gym and you were so excited. We had to go to the Christian bookstore right then and buy A Purpose Driven Life and a new Bible. You bought me a book so we could read them together when you were gone. We said prayers before dinner. We prayed together. We read the Bible together (not as much as we should've or I would've liked). Remember when we were at my house and you asked, do you think premarital sex is right? We talked about that. You were so serious about God and it was so exciting to see your excitement. Yet I was kind of taken aback, it happened so suddenly and I couldn't believe it....wow, what happened. You transformed over night, right before my eyes. I wish we could still be together so we could read the Bible together and A Purpose Driven Life. We only got 9 days into it. I want to cry so bad because I miss you....what you were and what you were becoming. I miss you honey, so, so bad. I want to be in Heaven with you so bad. I don't know how to make that stop. I'm on earth and that's okay, but I would give anything to see you again and live eternally next to you in Heaven. I pray that I can die and see you....I even dream about dying and before I think I'm going to die in my dream, I think I will be going to Heaven to see -----. I can't see this feeling going away. My life has changed so much, I feel like a completely different person. I feel so different. It's not the same, I'm not the same. Who would have imagined death changes you so much. Honey, I made a memorial site for you and one of the things it has made me realize is there are a lot of people out there who have lost people way before their time. Most importantly I think of all the people in the world who are hurting as much as me. Honey, there are A LOT. I wonder why this is all part of Gods plan? Why do we have to suffer through this? Why do so many moms with babies and young kids have to suffer because their child was murdered or because their child died of some rare disease or because their child was killed in a car accident? Why do so many people have to hurt. There is so much pain in those 'memory-of' pages. I want to scream....STOP! Stop making us hurt God....these are all good people with good kids....just please stop!! Isn't there enough pain in the world without taking innocent people. I don't understand and all I want in my life is to see you again. I miss you so much. Honey, I'm so lost. What am I going to do with my life? All I wanted was you. You were all I wanted.....almost the moment we met I knew you were what I had been patiently waiting for my whole life. Why would God do this? I'm so lost and confused. I hurt so bad, I want this to go away, but I know it won't. I know this is forever. You were always forever with me, I just didn't know it would be pain from not having you. This isn't the forever I pictured with you. The movie Notebook made me think of us and forever. Growing old together, side by side, so in love. The love that everyone dreams of. Love where people look at us and say look at them, they are sooo in love, now that is love! That's what was supposed to happen. Now it will be, look at that poor girl, she never got over losing ----. It will be that way too. That's just how it is, but that is okay, I can deal with this pain on earth, because I know this is but a sliver in our life. This little amount of time means nothing and I will suffer as long as God wants me to ..... even if it's until I die because I know the reward at the end. It is the most beautiful thing God has ever placed on this earth and I will get to see and be with you again....my angel that God sent me for 3 short years. Honey, I'm going to go now....I can't stop crying and I can't stop missing you and I can't make this pain stop. I need you, can God please see that and take me from here. I love you honey....more than anything ever. G'night my beautiful....yours ALWAYS oxoxoxoxoxo

Death Is Nothing At All

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, Just around the corner.
All is well.

Choices

You can shed tears that I am gone
Or you can smile because I have lived

You can close your eyes and pray that I will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that I have left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see me
Or you can be full of the love that we shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember me and only that I am gone
Or you can cherish my memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what I would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

When You See A Butterfly

When You See A Butterfly

My soul is released in Heaven
My spirit is in the wind,
I've arrived inside God's kingdom
In Heaven here with Him.

Inside this place of beauty
Enchantment always near,
Far past imagination
This land that has no fear.

Think of me when butterflies
Are flying everywhere
I'm singing, dancing, laughing
Free from earth's despair.

The other side of tomorrow
Within God's time you'll see,
I know He'll bring you safely home
Then forever we will be.

Keep a song inside your heart
And know that I am free,
Do not weep in sorrow
When you remember me.

What Is Grief?

What Is Grief?
Who really knows?
How to do it—and—how it goes

Memories flood the tears in our eyes
Do you think our loved one hears our cries?
And how the heart aches to no end
Even knowing that our loved ones’ peace will send.
To feel so lonely and filled with fear
I wonder if the Lord does truly hear?

So our days go by hour by hour
As we smile and carry on with all our power
We stay busy, sometimes too busy to see
And notice in God, we truly need thee.

Our nights are filled with restless sleep
Even knowing you’re in God’s keep
We wake from slumber in the early morning light
To weep our loved one, now, out of sight
We toss and turn and try to pray
Please Lord help us through another day!
And on the day where silence was once cherished
This too, has somehow perished.

Alone we fight the pain, the loss, the sorrow
While waiting for a bright tomorrow
We try to understand words that feel so cold
We try to forgive, we try to be bold
We smile that smile
We walk that walk
We love unconditionally as we feel the pain of their talk.
We do desperately grieve inside
And try to live as God abides
For our pain and sorrow runs so deep
So deep that no one can see us weep.

So grief they say, as they point their finger
Get over it, it’s done, don’t let it linger
But “we” know it doesn’t matter how many days go by
Our hearts will always know how to cry.

So tell me, what is grief and who really knows
How to do it and how it goes?

Tears Fall From My Eyes

Tears fall from my eyes
As softly the memories flow
With tears, salty on my tongue.
I miss you so much.

Tomorrow is frightening
Except for the thought
Of seeing you again,
Another time, another place.

I hear your voice;
In my dreams you come.
We talk and laugh
About silly, important things.

Each day without you is less:
Less bright, less full…less.
I feel your love with me,
Yet, I want you to hold.

Faith in God eases the pain
For moments, sometimes days.
Still, I cry, but not for you,
For the loss I feel in me.

I'm Finally Free

Reach up to the heavens with arms open wide
Take hold of its beauty, breathe it inside
Take in its majesty, memorize its grand views
Engulf its bright lights and magnificent hues

I know you miss me, I miss you too
But I'm sending an angel to watch over you
The angel will let you know I'm always near
To ease your heartache and wipe your tears
And the next time you reach up to the heavens above
You'll feel the kiss of all my love

So please don't let the grief consume your soul
And remember through God, you too can be whole
And when you think you can no longer stand
I'm up here in heaven with God, waiting to take hold of your hand
So listen beyond the whispers of the mourning and you'll see
I'm with the Lord our God
I'm finally free

Book Of Dreams

How do we convey
Just how we feel
When we lose someone we love?
How do we explain
The deep, lonely pain
The emptiness left in us?

No words can express
The hurt and anguish
Nor touch on how we feel
God shares our tears
And gives us His love
And He, in time, will heal

The hopes and the dreams
We had just remains
Like an unfinished book of their life
As an incomplete chapter
Remains unfinished
With nothing more to write

But we can know God’s comfort
And know there is hope
With a new chapter to begin
We can hold on to God
For He loves us so much
And fills the void within

As we close one chapter
Another can begin
Though the one we love has gone
Through Christ’s strength in us
And hope in our hearts
We find courage to carry on.

In Memory Of You

In Memory Of You

We want to always remember
The beautiful life you lived
And keep alive the memories we have
Through remembering what you did
For you’re so special to all of us
A wonderful person indeed
Your love, laughter and warm smile
Reflected a heart that believed
Just in the everyday things we do
We remember your faith and love
In the words you spoke to help us through
Is a continued reminder for us
Although we miss you so very much
We know we’ll see you once more
For this is the hope we have in God
Being re-united in the Lord
And as we gather we’ll continue to share
Special times we went through
For these are memories that warm our hearts
As we honour the memory of you

Heart Of Gold

You Had A Heart Of Gold

-------,
You had a smile for everyone
You had a heart of gold
Our hearts could ever hold
To us you were someone special
What more is there to say
Except to wish with all our hearts
That you were here today.
When you died, a part of us died with you
We will always miss you and never forget you,
Not one day goes by without you in our thoughts & conversations.
Your smile, your love of life,
your words of wisdom and courage,
has touched all those who knew you
What beautiful memories you left behind
We miss you so very much and
one day when our time is done,
you will come and take our hand.
Always in our hearts, precious one.

Try To Live & Believe These Words I Type

I lost my only true love on 03/17/06, he was but 39 and we both never expected to have such a short time together. But as I have searched my heart and soul, I realize we have loved enough for a life time. The reason I say this is we all live out God's Will....
God's Will for ---- and I was to meet, fall in love from the inside out and for us both to know the real meaning of true love. I have never felt this kind of love in my life, and I have said I loved before to someone else, but until my sweet -----....I only thought I knew love.
I know he would not want me to be unhappy and cry too many tears as he loved to see me happy and teasing him or others around us. I have to find my way back to living again, not just for me, but for -----. He hated to see me cry, as it would bring him to tears too.
----- had just begun to have a very strong belief in his faith and God. We both believed the same, that we are born on a set date, and we will go to Heaven on a certain date, for this is God's Will.
Holidays this year are very painful and I know I must get through them for my family and his family, and it is hard as ---- was the biggest kid for Christmas....so this year I will just get through them, but next year I have to find a way to honor him and make the holidays what they are to be ... joyous. And that will be a challenge.
I know it was God's Will for me to meet ---- as he taught me the true meaning of love and being loved. I also loved ---- the way he had never been loved before, as ---- would tell me no one has ever loved me until you or no one ever talked with me and listened to me until you. I am very blessed to have been that special person to love this wonderful man and to have been, in his mind, his one and only wife.
I have made the decision to live the rest of my life to honor this great man who touched my heart and soul. I will take life with baby steps at first, then walk, and at times I will run...but I will have him in me each step...he is forever in my heart and soul so I am never alone.
I will greatly miss him being with me physically, as I could sure use his arms around me and those sweet kisses....but I can close my eyes and still feel him. It is better than nothing at all.
I look deep inside and recapture the loving feeling ------ and I shared and I embrace it, as no one can ever take that from me and I can live through anything with it. ----- needs for me and others to carry on his memory on Earth.
----- will live life for us in Heaven, and I must live for the two of us on Earth. It is not easy, and I know there will be tears and anger at times, but through it all comes life and love.
I have a site for ----- on memory-of.com for him that I can go to and add and read or just feel near him. I also know there are days I can't open the site as my heart is not up to it, but I know ------ understands. I also have to share ------'s story with others to make them aware of what a wonderful man my one and only soul mate was for those of them who didn't have the precious opportunity to share with him as I did or get to know him as I did.

I have made it this far, 9 long, heart wretching months for a reason...------ is inside of me and pushing me to regain my self and live again. He will not be mad if I laugh again, smile again, and start to have fun again. I was his and he will not resent me for living...I need to live for the two of us.

Sure I still have those moments of anger and tears!!! It is human and normal, it is what we do with those emotions that will help us.

I will forever miss his kisses and will ache at times for him to hold me, so I will close my eyes and I will feel him...I will hear him whisper the five words he would say to me a 100 times a day...."I love you baby girl..." a tear will fall but I feel better as I know he is still in my heart and soul and NO ONE can touch that.....no one.