HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL

Happy Birthday honey! 41 years ago today you were born into this world. I got to share three of your years, it's not fair. I miss you so much. I know I'm lucky that I got the last three with you. Yes, I am so lucky and fortunate. I'll never take that for granted. I'll always thank you for picking me & God for bringing us together and keeping us together.

I cooked us a birthday dinner and set the table for two with candles. It was nothing fancy believe me, I just picked something that you & me used to throw together really quick and of course, hamburger helper came to mind and I just happened to have hamburger (which I usually never do). Guess what the funny part is? I mixed corn in with the hamburger helper, just like you used to do. Haha, you put corn in everything. So I even ate my portion with corn in it. Your desert (brownies) is in the oven now. I bought little candles and when it's done I'll put a candle on your piece of brownie. That will be your birthday cake! :)

I was cooking your dinner and trying so hard not to cry. If I stopped and just thought about how it usually was and how you should be here, it made me cry. I had romantic music in the background and I was thinking how much I wanted to have a nice candlelight romantic dinner and desert, dance to the music - laughing & smiling, watch a movie and cuddle and go to bed and make love. I miss all of you so much, you were everything to me. I can't believe how lucky I was to have someone as perfect as you. Ugh, I'm crying now and the screen is all blurry, I need to stop for a second. OK. I have your picture right here next to the computer. Honey, your eyes are so pretty. No one in the world has eyes as pretty as you or as unique as you! I love the blue ring on the outside of the green and the tan ring in the middle. Your eyes are amazing. What I wouldn't give for ONE last time to look into them again. What I wouldn't give for one of your hugs. Oh, I miss all of that. Your soft kisses. I miss you babe. "I'm never gonna dance again, guilty feet have got no rhythm" is playing. Honey, I won't ever dance again. You were my one and only. And with all the crazy emotions I've been going through lately & ignoring you, I want to say those days are behind me. Please help me and give me strength. Please have God give me strength. You are who and want I want forever. I don't care if you are only a memory. You are perfect and nothing will ever compare or come close to you. I can't fall in love with anyone else.....no way. I need you in my life. You give me strength and a desire to be a better person. You bring that out in me. So for your birthday I got you this card and I will put it in the stack with all the rest:

YOU'RE STILL THE ONE

You're still the one I want to love forever.

You're still the one I want to wake up with every morning

and snuggle with every night,

the one I want to share my dreams with,

build castles in the air with,

the one whose hand I want to hold when I'm afraid,

whose shoulder I want to lean on when I need support.

You're still the one I want to encourage

to make your own dreams come true,

the one I want to comfort when you need a source of strength,

the one I want to hold close always....

You're still the one, the only one, I want to love FOREVER.

I promise if the Lord and you help me and just give me strength I will be yours forever. I can't see myself loving anyone other than you. No one will EVER treat me as good as you did. I can't believe how lucky I was. Well, I say those things to you over and over, but it's because they are so true and I really mean them. My heart is yours honey, it always has been since the moment we met. The memories we shared are from the happiest time ever in my life. Thank God for them & you! OK hon, the buzzer for your birthday cake brownies is going off....gotta run. Can't wait to share your bday "cake" with you. I love you forever and ever honey!!! Your babygirl always & forever! xoxoxo

One Year & 11 Months

I talked to ---- tonight, for just a very little bit. Why does God do the things he does? Why does she have to be in an environment like that? If only things were different. It's crazy to think she should be in a nice house, going to a good school right now, probably with a nanny or tutor to help her with her disability and with a real family who loves her and meets her needs. Basically, all the tools she needs to be successful. Instead she is in a hell hole where she is surrounded by drugs and alcohol. She is "sad" and/or "lonely" all the time on her myspace page. Grandma -------- told me she is having to go to counseling now because she is really depressed. Why? Seriously, how can this happen to such a sweet, little innocent girl? How can CPS not know what is going on? How come no one in the school says anything. This is so unfair? Do you look down on your angel and see what is going on? Do you really know or are you happy in Heaven leaving it all up to God, because it is his will? Do you feel helpless watching this all take place (if you even see it) or do you see the big picture and know that ------ will be okay in the end? It breaks my heart and brings a tear to my eye to think of poor little -----. I feel tremendous guilt not being able to "save" her. What do I do?

So it's almost been two years, I look over at your picture right now & it seems SOOOO long ago. For realz, so, so long ago. I miss you. I really do. I guess I get kind of upset (last time I wrote you)...I don't know why? Probably because I want this all to have never happened....I want it all to go away. You; everything, but then again I don't ever want to forget you. How can I? You were the best thing that ever happened to me and the best thing that ever will. I'm not a fool, no one like you will ever come into my life again. At least I can come to terms with that and be okay with it. I'm not sad about it, it's just the facts. That's okay though. I honest to God would do it all over again, even knowing I'd never find another as good as you. The experience I had with you was so Heavenly and it was the happiest time EVER in my whole life. How can I be upset at that. It's just over now; it's gone, but that's okay.

Anyway, one more month and two years, wow. I wanted to get back into the habit of writing you on your anniversary. I'm sorry I fell off, I never meant for it to go that far. I won't leave you again honey, I promise. I love you forever and ever my K-dub. I MISS YOU!!!

Just How It Is

Why do I exist? I'm neither happy nor sad, in fact I'm rather numb. Mother Angelica on EWTN asked her audience today, How many are ready to die right now? I've been ready to die since you died. Why am I here, I feel nothing. Nothing motivates me anymore. I read the Catholic newspaper, my Catholic books, I listen to the Catholic Channel on Sirius, I watch EWTN on television, I read Catholic blogs on the internet. I go to church every Sunday, even during the weekdays when I was in Pokie. I'm trying to commit myself, I feel a calling of sorts. I always wonder if I just gave it all up and became a nun, could I do it? Why don't I? I guess because as much as I devote myself now I have no guidance, no direction. I'm blindly reading this and that. And even as I commit myself I still feel this emptiness inside of me. I didn't think I was supposed to feel that way. I don't know what the emptiness is, but I thought God could fill all voids, just believe in him. Oh, I'm so blah. I'm a zombie going through the motions of life. I don't even know how I feel about you anymore. I try to get back that longing and love I had for you and while it's there, it just seems so far away. My day does not revolve around you anymore, my thoughts don't revolve around you anymore. Sure, I think of you off and on everyday, but I don't become fixated on you like I used to. I even try, just to have something in my life I can be passionate about. As much as I hate to say this, it's not you anymore. I can't dig that passion up anymore. I love you and respect you, but my life doesn't revolve around you anymore. I don't know how to feel about it. At least when I longed for you every second of every day I had something to occupy my time, now I think of other things all day or nothing at all. So anyway, here I sit and I want nothing in my life. I've been hurt too much to want any more human closeness. Friends & family and that is it. I guess I just want to be by myself and suffer this life for Christ and honestly wish death. If it's his will to suffer until I'm 100, so be it, I can do that, but if it's also in his will to die tomorrow I'll welcome it with open arms. This life just isn't for me. I'm sorry, I feel like a failure on us and it's over and I've given up and I don't want the memories anymore, I just want to be alone. Is that bad? Probably, I'm sorry. You know I love you and you know I can't control how I feel, this is just how it is.

Please Forgive Me!!!!

Obviously it's been awhile since I've written to you. I guess I thought if I just got out of here and didn't think of you - yeah, for 7 months, you would go away and I would get better. It didn't work, you're always there demanding my attention. Even though it was 7 months, I promise I thought of you everyday, you know that. Towards the end I just couldn't take it anymore. I guess I'm not over you. I don't know how to go on with my life without taking you with me. On one hand the only way to move forward is to put the past behind me, but I just can't. How am I supposed to move on and be happy again if at the core of my being is sadness. First order of business is to apologize more than I could ever put into words. I'm sorry for neglecting you for so long. Even though you popped into my head everyday I shoved you back, that was wrong. Everything I did was wrong I see now. I am SO mad at myself for ruining the sacredness that we had. I am so mad!! I stopped writing you your monthly anniversary letter. I stopped writing letters and emails to you. I stopped doing this blog. I stopped lighting candles for you and stopped updating your memory-of page. I messed up everything. I owe you everything and I let you down. I hate what I did to you. I hate myself for doing what I did. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. I hope you can, but I think you are looking down on me wondering who is that person? She is not the girl I fell in love with. God is a forgiving God so I know HE forgives me, but HE is also shaking his head at me. It is hard to live with myself. I can't help but to think if you would have never died my life would be normal and happy. None of this would have happened. Ugh, I hate that I mess everything up. I'm at a loss for words, I'm so ashamed and embarrassed for trying to ignore the one person who was/is my everything. You would NEVER in a million years hurt me and I feel like I did just that to you. I'm so, so sorry honey. Please forgive me. I'm so lonely and lost and confused. I don't know what I want or what I need or even what to do to fix this. All I want is you. I just want us to be back together again. I feel so far away from you now and I hate that, I want to feel close to you. I want you in my life everyday. I don't want to feel like you are a million miles away. You've always felt close to me until I pushed you away. What a mistake. Please come back, I promise I won't do it again. I promise! Why did God do this to us? I waited my whole life for you and now you are gone. No one will ever be as good as you. Why did God take you away from all of us? I miss you. I miss you so much my heart is crying. Could you please give me a sign that you still love me? I need to know you are still okay with me, that you haven't abandoned me. I didn't mean to let you down, I thought what I did was okay for a little bit, but after awhile I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I'm so sorry for avoiding you and shoving you far, far away. Please still love me. Please. Please send me some sort of sign. You are the only person I need in my life - even if you are in a different place, I need you in my life. I love you honey. I love you soooo much. I wish you never died. I miss us. Love you forever my K-dub. xoxoxoxo

Stranger

Someone asked how you recover from something so horrible.....you don't. You become a stranger, a new person.
There is no going back to that other thing, that other place. This stranger, it's all I've got now.