How I Spend My Days ...

Whoa ... and this to.

How I spend my days since you died ....

Ha, ha, love you forever hon. I miss you!!

A Shoulder To Lean On

Reminded me of us ... or me.
Love you forever honey!! xoxo

Happy Birthday

It's your birthday & all I can think about is how badly I want to be with you. You & me alone watching a beautiful Arizona sunset, that would be my wish if I could have one come true. We never got to do that


I imagine we'd be sitting on some rocks & it would look like this:



Even though this one is prettier, but it's too flat, not what I'm envisioning

The Property

Tomorrow is your birthday & I'm stuck in the middle of Tamis texts about how horrible Bonnie is. Talking to Whitney today & now maybe she wants the property. And realizing if I do get the property I'm into paying hella money just to get it rightfully into my name. All this & just thinking how you should be here & how much I miss you. I pray this all turns out okay. I have faith God will sort all this out & however it ends up is how it's supposed to be, but that still doesn't take away all the emotion I've felt today...dealing with your birthday, talking to your mom, talking to Whitney, txtn Tami & talking to lawyer....ughh.
I wish I had more in me to say, but right now I'm just tired & really just want to go to bed and start fresh tomorrow. I love you with all my heart honey & as I've said before I would trade it ALL to have you back with me. I miss you! I love you hon .. good night. :-)

How Do You Tell People

So I wonder how I tell people who ask me about being with someone else. If I say I don't want to be with anyone else, it has an overtone like I'm not over you or I have a FEAR of being hurt again....ok, maybe both are true, but in my heart I don't feel that they are. Of course I'll never be over loving you. You were the best thing that ever happened in my life & you were so perfect...that love just doesn't disappear & it never will. But I am over your death ... I mean it happened and you are gone & my life has gone on. Its not my choice to be without you, but it's the hand I was dealt & God has a reason for everything. I have faith that this is always how it was supposed to be. I know that God never meant for us to be together forever .. I don't know why & I don't over analyze it or try to figure it out. It just is, so with that yes, I am over you dying. The fear of being hurt again...I just don't buy that, because the issue I have is every time I'm doing something fun or laugh I always think how cool it would be if you were there .. .and then it feels like you are there. If I've ever tried to imagine someone else laughing with me or doing anything with me, it's impossible. Seriously, that is the issue, not that someone will hurt me or leave me, but even having someone in my life .... because I feel like NO ONE in this whole world can compare to you. The thing is that it's okay, I would have liked to share my life with somebody & what it all comes down to is that someone was YOU. I try to imagine traveling with someone else. I try to imagine cooking dinner for someone else. I try to imagine cuddling on the couch and watching TV with someone else. A lot of times I try to imagine it, but it lasts about 2 seconds & it gives me the heebie jeebies ... ugh, gross. I don't want to share any of that stuff with anyone else .. besides you, but since you are gone, it's just me. I'm okay with that. I really am. As long as I have God, my family, my friends & something to occupy my time (job, coaching, traveling, music, etc) I'll be okay. Really. I really do feel okay with that. And I really do realize it could be for the rest of my life & I'm okay with that too. I'm pretty sure I'm not fooling myself ... I guess that's where you & God come in. If I need someone else in my life I bet you will send me someone who will sweep me off my feet, lol, because that's what it's going to have to take! I don't know hon, do you think I'm fooling myself & deep down I am afraid to commit again? I guess I don't think I am, but you & for sure God know me better than even I do. So anyway, I guess the whole point of writing you was, how do I tell people? I just tell them, but it's like everyone thinks I'm full of it & "oh, you'll find someone" or "oh, you'll love again" I just feel like no one can understand where I'm coming from. I have Jesus in my heart & that is all I need. I can get by just fine with that .. but so many people (especially the ones that don't have a strong faith) think it's not possible or I'm just fooling myself or I'm lying ... or ???. I don't know what they think, but anyway I just wanted you to know that you will always be #1 in my heart (besides God) until the day I die and we are reunited again!! Until then I'm really excited to live this life to the fullest & I'm anxious to see where the Lord leads me....it's like an adventure! :-)
So honey, I love you tons & tons & forever & ever!!! My 1 <3. xoxoxox 4eva

Eternal

together forever he whispers into
her ears, wiping away all her sorrowful
tears, reassuring her he'll always be there,
until months, weeks turn into years,
and she knows he's no longer there,
leaving her to waste her life away,
left with nothing to say, watching
as she spends the rest of her days,
waiting for the day he returns to wipe
away those tears, to be here, and to
finally be eternal....

Where Am I Going

Most definitely how I feel since you've been gone! Love you HON

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going,
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Miss The Old Days

I miss the days when you & I were together. And next I miss the yrs right after you died & I lived in --------. I made a mistake leaving & now I wish I was back. I'd take my old house, my old living arrangement & all that sweet stuff. I miss getting on that stupid satellite internet & writing you heart felt letters of how much pain I was in .. aggh don't miss that ... but just still the connection & closeness I felt with you.
Now it's so different, I still feel so close to you but in a completely different way. I KNOW you are with me, around me, near me .. whatever u wanna say. When I start thinking about you or get sad about stuff going on in regards to losing you, you ALWAYS have a song come on the radio that meant so much to us. Seriously, what are the odds that these random songs come out of the blue right when I'm feeling you most. I don't have to write every example (but I should). You know all the times those songs come on. It's so inspiring to me & makes me have one of those hurt smiles. Like I'm smiling cuz I know u are so close to me & sensing what I'm feeling BUT it's kind of sad cuz I know you are so close & you can see/feel me, but I can't see you & I miss that!!!
Well hon, I got two tickets to the Cougar game but I don't have anyone to ask ... well, I could call a couple people at the last minute but for some reason I just want to go by myself tonight. The best case scenario would be if you were here to go!
Finally, I'm so, so nervous about work & not being in good enough shape, please guide me to what to do & please give me the focus I need to get it done & to stay off of this computer all day!!! UGH, it pisses me off I waste my day away on here, but I do it, day in & day out. I want to start hiking ------ & running 6 miles & doing both of those things faaaast. I need to do all that dumb cross fit crap too .. just air squats, situps, pushups, burpees & pullups. I just don't want to die when we have PTs ... please help me. I will continue to pray to God & read the Bible .. which by the way I am enjoying. I could never, ever get into it & I've tried several times, but this time, wow, I'm loving it & look fwd to it every night!
I love you so, so much honey. Hey, I have to go, but I'll write more later cuz I LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!!! ;-)

Distance Work Dream

Hey Hon, I just wanted to share my dream with you. I was driving towards Bovill & I started thinking in my head. "I can't believe Kenny & I broke up and we haven't even talked since we broke up" and "I really miss him" "There's no reason we can't get back together again, I'm ready to give it all up to go where he is" Because for some reason I was working at Clarkia (and on my way to work) & I had this idea you were in Alaska and the reason we weren't together is because of distance & I didn't want to move with you to Alaska. Well, it hit me as I'm coming into Bovill that I WILL move. That I missed you SO much I wanted to go wherever you were, so I picked up my cell phone to call you ... and I remember thinking, "wow, I can't believe we haven't talked at all since we split apart" & kind of wondering why we never talked. Just cuz you moved away & I didn't see you was no reason not to talk. So I'm thinking how weird it is going to be to talk to you but also praying deep down you will still want to be with me after all this time. So I pick up the phone and I have full bars ... in Bovill!! lol, you know there is NO cell service there. So I start to dial your number & this loud CHIRPing noise keeps chirping ... out of who knows where. But it distracted me & next thing ya know I woke up...dammit. So I didn't even get to talk to you & even though I was nervous to talk to you...I would have woke up SO excited if I really talked to you in a dream. So that's it honey. On a side note they were tearing up the sidewalks in Bovill & fixing them up. Don't know what that means. Also I watched Office that evening & there were two characters that were madly in love & she was going to have to leave so he wanted to break up cuz last time she left to go work far away she broke up with him & broke his heart. This time he tried to break it off with her before she left out of fear of it happening again, but she said that this time it could work. That the distance wasn't going to matter. So maybe that's why I dreamed you were working in Alaska & we hadn't talked since you left.
Bottom line is I miss you & I'm just waiting for the day when we will be reunited in Heaven. I know it will happen, so I'm just riding out this life, doing what I can to get by. We will be together again hon! I MISS YOU!!! xoxoxoxo forever.

I Need Your Love

Honey, I am writing you because I feel I'm at an end or a crossroads. I really wish more than anything in the whole world you were here. I would give up every single thing that I own to have you back. I have worked hard to achieve my goals & I am proud of where I am, where I'm going (in regards to my faith) and although it's very shallow and materialistic, I am proud of what I have (house & car). I have worked hard and saved to have what we should have had together. But I am lonely without you. I feel I have NOTHING without you. I struggle everyday to find purpose in my life now. I can go on without you and I am mentally prepared that is what I must do. I'm okay with that, but I am really struggling with my job. I do not like it & I need something new honey. I just don't know what that is??? I made a commitment to the shot crew and I feel obligated to honor it, but it has been so hard for me this spring and winter to motivate myself to exercise and get myself to the physical shape I need to be in. It is not too late & I can do this. I'm still very discouraged from last spring where I worked my ass off to be in amazing shape yet it was not good enough. As you saw, I struggled & it was not pleasant. I am not looking forward to another summer of that and I don't know what to change to make myself get into better shape. I need your help there, the anxiety of it all is killing me and I have no one to talk to and no support. I wish you were here. I wish this wasn't my job. I admit it, I am too old to do what I'm about to do - another summer of "shottin" I am trying so hard to become a better Catholic & I really do have all the faith in the world about our Lord, our God. I am reading the Bible & I love church and it truly is the most important thing in my life. So I am praying to God, but I feel like I'm not good enough with my faith for him to answer any prayers of help I have. I feel like my anxiety about my job keeps me from focusing on anything else worthwhile in this life. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I pray & I'm trying to be patient. I am sure I will be doing this at least one more summer, but physically I don't know if I can do this again. I will if I must, but it is making my life miserable. I think about going back to Potlatch, but it was a different kind of despair. It was so unfulfilling. I had no interest in fuels at all. It was so boring & so unchallenging. I dreaded going to work every morning because I felt I was wasting my time spending 8 hrs of my day doing nothing (in my mind). I certainly wouldn't have the anxiety in that job, but working March until the end of November is horrible. I'd rather suffer what I'm going through now & have a long winter off, but I'm seeing there is no point of having all this time off if my anxiety keeps me from traveling or doing the things I would enjoy doing. I am asking for your help if it's possible. I am praying to God, but you know as well as God I'm sure, where my life is headed & what I need & what is best for me. Please send me an opportunity to do something else. I know I have amazing retirement & benes with this job, so do you think it would be wise for me to leave the Forest Service? I think about coaching a lot. If Dee would have me I would save to get a small place wherever she is & devote myself to coaching. I think, if you think it's wise? I would hate to lose my retirement ya know? I'm really torn. If Dee had an asst. that paid well enough to live it would be a very hard decision. I know there are a lot of "what ifs" and nothing ever happens as you plan, but honey, every morning I dread waking up because I know I have to kill myself working out & it takes away all enjoyment of just having the day off. I don't know how to change that. I want to wake up without this feeling of dread ... it's horrible. You have to be able to see it or sense it, this is no way to live. Please help me honey. Help me so I can be happy again. I know I can't have you or ever be that happy again, but all I want is to be content. A job that pays my bills & a job that doesn't give me atrocious anxiety. Please, please help me honey. I wish you were here so I could really talk to you. I miss you hon!

Unending Love

HONEY I PRAY YOU CAN SEE THESE EMAILS I MAKE FOR YOU. I WANT SO BADLY FOR YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH I STILL LOVE YOU. I KNOW WE WILL BE REUNITED SOMEDAY IN HEAVEN. UNTIL THEN I WILL LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART & I WILL MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY. VALENTINES DAY IS COMING UP & SO I'M THINKING OF YOU A LOT. I PRAY TO GOD YOU CAN FEEL MY LOVE FOR YOU. I LOVE YOU HON ... FOREVER

Made Me Think Of You

“Leao,” sitting patiently for the second consecutive day next to the grave of her owner, Cristina Maria Cesario Santana, who was killed in the recent landslides in Brazil.
Leao’s faithfulness is a poignant reminder of the bonds that are formed between pets and their owners, and it’s a reminder of how devastating death can be for everyone involved.

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I don't know if you heard, but the Pittsburgh Steelers are going to Super Bowl XLV.