How Do I Make It

dohoney, it hurts, i want you back and i sometimes i don't know how to hang on. i don't know how to make it without you...i can but it really hurts. i really miss you. i'd give anything to have one last hug. this is really hard.

If I Die

well here i am honey, i finally get a day off and here i sit in my new hang out joint, ------ cafe in ------. last night i had so much to say and as i drove down here today i thought of so much. i always have so much to say and when it comes down to it, like right now, i'm speechless. i guess i could start with fires, i've been on a lot this year, more than i have been on in awhile. i certainly wouldn't be on this many if you were around and i'm sure work would be mad at me for spending time with you. but you're not here so i just bury myself in work. after my divs assignment to arizona i went on some on district fires, i don't even remember if i told you about those fires. one was ---- pk., i hiked in cuz i didn't wanna fly and there was probably a 9 foot cedar that they wanted me to fall but i didn't. i guess it was one of those days that i cared or something. otherwise i've been falling all sorts of shady trees this year with an i don't care attitude-if it's my time to go, it's my time to go, so either i will be killed or either i won't. anyway i didn't fall this tree, i ordered FLE. the guy came the next day, i cut a hole out in the tree. i had a 36 inch bar and it only went a 1/3 of the way in. i ended up cutting out a box in the tree and the guy put a bunch of explosives in there then he wrapped the last box of FLE around the tree. it blew that thing to smithereens. i had to fly out the next day cuz it was late in the day and i wouldn't have had time to hike back to the truck before dark. it sucked so bad. i wanted to just crash and die. i cried. i thought about how it used to be, you were the one in the pilot seat and we were flying somewhere and i loved you so much. i hated flying out of ---- pk so much, i never want to do it again. right now i really don't want to ever get in a helicopter again. i've been around 'em so much since then and i really just hate it. i'm so tired of being around helicopters, to me it's like torture. why do i keep subjecting myself to this? but i am and every single time i think of you..every time. there is not a time when i do not think of you. anyway after the ------ fire i went to the ---- fire. ---- was the i.c. i went as a c-faller again. this time to cut a couple hairy lookin' big ass cedars down. one was hollowed out and the other was a big ass hollowed out leaner into another tree. it was burning too. the first hollowed out one was easy cuz it was straight up and it had holding wood on both sides. the leaner had some complexity to it and i figured i could cut a couple small spring poles from underneath it..hoping they wouldn't spring back and pop me in the face. if they would've, it would've knocked me out or something worse. or the cedar woulda fell on me. so i reached in real careful and eventually ended up tripping one of the trees under the cedar. it went ok but it was kinda scary for me. but before i did it i prayed to god that if it's my time, i'm ready. just give me strength and confidence to fall it. whatever happens i'm ready to go. later on ---- said he was so scared for me and that i'm one of the bravest people i know. that's cool. i know i'm pretty brave, i just do stuff and have confidence. i might be scared but once i commit it all goes away and i just do it. i also think that you are with me too. especially falling trees cuz you logged so i know you are helping me out. well eventually i ended falling the cedar and it took forever. a few tanks of gas anyway and hrs. and hrs. after that i went to victor, mt. as a divs(t). i really did not want to go. i was so overwhelmed by you. it was the anniversary of our first date, it was our anniversary of you asking me to marry you and the anniversary of your death was coming up. i was so fed up with work and sooo tired i wanted to just leave and the day ----- asked me to go with him as a divs i was seriously considering not coming in to work. i was real indecisive about going and i said i'd call him back and all i could think of was i have to do this eventually and you were so proud of me cuz i was a divs. no matter how many times i told you i was just a trainee. :) so i just did it, i bit the bullet and i went. honey, i was so stretched so thin mentally cuz of all that, it made it really hard. i did not want to be there at all. then on top of that there were helicopters everywhere and i hated that. i absolutely hated it. i was getting so tired of hearing air to ground all the time on the radio and the helicopters everywhere. it really was torture on me. then on top of that it was a pretty stressful assignment cuz we were getting burned over everyday and i was really having to be on my toes and make decisions when all i wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. i just wanted you to hold me, i missed you so much. every night ----- called his wife and all i could do was think to myself, that's what i'm supposed to be doing. i have no one to call. then my tent was in a field that looked out across to this A frame house that looked like the one we were gonna build. nice reminders of you every day. every thing reminds me of you and that's the problem. well, the fire was so tiring and hard for me. not tactically, i could handle everything that way, but i really was so tired and i didn't want to be there. i didn't want to be exposed to the helicopters anymore. it was a lot for me. too much really, but i did it. i did it for you and you weren't even here for me to come home to and be excited. you weren't around to be excited for me. i went through all that and who really cares? it was supposed to be you. i had no one to share it with, that really sucked. it was supposed to be something we could be excited about together. so i finally came home, thank god and i wanted to take 5 days off to just get away from it all and clear my mind, but work was a bunch of chodes. screw them, that's when i found out "whatever you need ----" means nothing, it was just lip service from them. i needed 5 days off and i couldn't get it without a guilt trip and "you better not" fuck them, i was so upset about that. i shouldn't have to explain myself to them. why do they have to question that i need time off. really, why can't they just be like ok. i don't know that really bothered me, so i only got 2 days off and really i didn't cuz dumb ass ----- kept calling me all day on the first day i was home, then the second day we had a fire bust and i had to go to the office and report some fires cuz people came to my house. so much for time to get my mind right. right after that we went right into our fire bust and i've been going for a week n a half straight. i went to ----- fire, called it out. i went to another ------- fire and fell another big ass cedar, that fire i was really hoping it was a pickle and the lord would take me. it was pretty cut and dry. it was an ez tree. i went to another fire up ------ creek - yeah, that's the campground we stayed at during the 2004 fire bust. see it all comes back to you. this was outside a logging unit. pretty ez fire. i was with ------ (he's been a good friend to me during this time- more on that later) next i went to a fire up ---- creek. there was a larch there pretty much burned all the way through and i'm sure it would've fell just by someone pushing it, there was hardly any holding wood at all. i decided to let it burn out over night and sure enough the next day it had fallen. i actually didn't go on that fire the next day, but that's what i was told. i went on another fire - i'm getting confused now, but i think this is the one i've been on the last 5 days. the ----- fire. 1.5 acres and i was the ic. oh yeah before that fire i had to go out to ----- pk. to check on a wildfire use fire. i drove by where i first remember you ever, the ------ fire. i drove by where we parked and of course more memories came flooding back. i remember us talking on the radio. i can still remember standing on a log directing you to drop buckets on fire below me. i swear i remember it like yesterday. then i drove by the trailhead to the ----- fire. that's where i hiked in to ------'s fire and you were delivering supplies and you asked if they were making sure that I was working. then we made a bet (a beer), can't remember what about and we talked on the radio a bit. we were kind of flirting then. :) i can still see myself hiking and you were hard to see up through the trees, not only was i looking for you, but you were looking for me. you flew around 'til you found me and we saw each other. i would give anything to rewind to those days...to that day. so there were a lot of memories that day. oh yeah i saw ---- peak too and i thought back to all our memories flying around ----- peak that one day when we were burning out there. it was one of my best memories ever. god, i love you so much. all my best memories are with you. i miss you. anyway i drove to ----- pk., parked and hiked to ---- lake and almost made it to ----- lookout. probably about a 100 yds away before i had to turn back and start hiking out. couldn't exceed my 16 hr. day. i hiked 12 miles that day. good times and really pretty out there. i wished you were there, but then sometimes i think that you are there with me.???i wish, i don't know. just a side note, every time i laugh or see something beautiful or have fun or a good time, i always think of you and wish you were there....always. so next was the ------ fire. more helicopters and by now i'm so damn tired i can't even think straight. i'm so tired of memories....there are so many and too many helicopters. and everyone gets to go home to their wife or girlfriend and i am so lonely. i want to hurry and get off the fire and go home and then i remember you are gone and why get off the fire, i have nothing now. i just want some days off so i can just cry and cry and cry. i get so tired of being strong for everyone. i put on this happy face cuz i don't wanna be a 'debbie downer' around people and let me tell you that takes a lot of energy! it drains me and then add to that no sleep and physical labor and then sometimes just the stress of the job - decision making stuff. so i'm off now and i know i will cry and cry, but then i have to go to work tomorrow and it will be back to the same ol' same ol'. i don't know, do i go to work tomorrow and get ot and then take the other days off or do i just skip tomorrow? i don't know what i wanna do. i do know i want a day to sleep in and just chill. i really want to see --- tomorrow, but ---'s supposed to be to work tomorrow. i'm confused, i don't know what i want. it does piss me off that work cares more about their fire bust than if i'm ok. i should've known better. well i wanted to let you know that ----'s been a great friend through all this. he's one of the few who i've found isn't weirded out about talking about you. he can talk to me about it all, thank god for him. he's so helpful to me. if i didn't have him to talk to i probably would've snapped a long time ago. he said when he first saw us together he knew. he said when he saw us a month after we were going out he couldn't believe it. he said we acted like we had being seeing each other for years. it got me thinking, that's what i felt like too. i always felt like i had known you forever, it was amazing how comfortable and ez we got along together. i amazed myself at how close we were and how open i could be with you - how comfortable i was. i had never been like that with anyone my whole life. --- saw it too. he had to do like a double take, like whoa, those guys have only known each other a month and they seem like they've been together for years. he said he was at my house and we were watching new mexico vs. the cougs. i even remember we were on the couch and you either had your feet on my lap or mine or yours and we cuddled together and were all leaned up against each other. i do remember that now that --- mentioned it, otherwise i wouldn't of remembered that. ---- came over too. i remember that. --- reiterated how he used us as a gauge. he knew we represented true love and that's how a relationship is supposed to be. we were his example of what it was supposed to be like. he also said that --- changed the way he looked at his relationship after what happened to you. he got serious and proposed to his girlfriend. ---- did that too. he also told me that him and --- were talking about us after it all happened and --- said he saw --- cry. that for realz makes me wanna cry. i can't even imagine seeing ---- cry. if i remember more of what we talked about i will write it to you. we've just been so open about it, i don't know what i'll do when he leaves this thursday to go back to -----. he's been a great help to me. it's nice to be able to talk about you. someone who really knows what i'm going through and understands. i feel like i have to pretend like you never existed cuz that's what everyone else does around me. the subject is taboo and don't anybody dare bring it up. becuz they pretend like it didn't happen, i have to do the same. i can't bring up your name or anything we did cuz it makes people uncomfortable. i see it, i've brought you up in front of --- and --- and both of 'em act like i've done the unspeakable and they both become speechless. for realz, they are flat out speechless, they don't say a word. so i feel stupid for even bringing you up. is it any wonder i don't explain myself when i just want some time off cuz your weighing heavy on my mind. that's why i don't push it, i don't know what to say and really i shouldn't have to say anything...dammit i just need some time. you fuckers pushed me into work a week after it happened and i've just buried myself in work. at least be thankful and throw me a bone and let me have some time off. they take advantage of me so much. it really makes me mad as you can probably sense. i feel like i haven't even had time to take in all that has happened. i still feel numb. i still feel like you're going to come home anytime. i still feel like i'm on a fire and i will come home to you or you are out flying and you will come home to me. i feel like a helicopter will come to my fire and it will be you on the radio. i feel like the helicopter will land at --- and it will be you stepping out of the helicopter. i for realz still feel like you're out there somewhere and i will see you again soon. i don't feel like you were ever killed sometime. then sometime it hits me that 'wait a minute, he's gone.....forever' and that's when it really hurts. or i will replay, "we've lost ----" over and over in my head. like i'm trying to make it sink in, but it won't. no matter how many times i say it i can't make it sink in. i can go back to that day and see myself collapsing on the floor and crying and banging my fists on the floor, but it's like it's all a bad dream. like it didn't really happen, that time all seems like a fog that for realz was a dream. it couldn't be real. i guess i'm having a hard time accepting that i lost the most precious thing in my life. it isn't fair, we were so perfect. i'm supposed to be ----- ------- right now. i'm supposed to be coming home to you after a fire. i'm supposed to be calling you every night after my work day or calling you while you are away flying. we're supposed to be living together right now. we're supposed to be lying next to each other in bed every night. we're supposed to be hugging each other as we walk through the door at the end of the day. we're supposed to be kissing each other when we come home from 2 wks. of fire or flying. it really isn't supposed to be this way. i don't know how this all happened. it's all happened so fast. i think back to how fast we met each other, how fast we dated, how fast we connected, how fast we got so close, how fast we proposed, how fast we got the house plans going, how fast we were getting married, how fast we were going to be a happy family. i look back and it was like my life was on fast forward. for realz. both of our lives and look it fast forwarded so fast for you it took you right to death. just like --- said, we were together a month and it seemed like years. that's exactly how it felt for me too. i had known you for a month and it felt like years. i had known you for a year and it felt like years. i had known you for years and it felt like a lifetime. i honestly felt like i lived a lifetime with you. i am not lying, i felt like we shared an eternity together. on the other hand sometimes i feel like our relationship was a big dream, it all went so fast, it doesn't even seem real sometimes. it was all too good to be true. it's weird, i guess i mostly feel like it happened, but what the hell it happened so fast, did it really happen? i look at pictures of you and it seems like a lifetime ago. it's like my life is still on fast forward, it really does seem so long ago, but it was only 5 months ago. why is it so weird feeling? why do i look at pictures of you and feel like it was ages ago, yet when i talk to --- about you...our first date, our first kiss, all that stuff, why does it feel like you are still here and i'll be going home to you tonight? i don't know the answer, sometimes i think it's all too much for my mind to process. sometimes i feel like screaming and sometimes i feel like sleeping and sometimes i feel like crying and sometimes i feel numb and sometimes i don't know what the hell to feel. it's so confusing. sometimes i want to be around the guys i work with and sometimes i want to be alone and sometimes i want to be with you so bad it hurts more than anything that's ever hurt in my whole life. it's unbearable. sometimes i just want to be happy and laugh, then sometimes i want everyone to leave me alone and i just want to space off into space and sometimes i want to cry and sometimes i don't know what to feel, like i can't feel, i don't know what i feel? am i sad, am i depressed, am i indifferent, am i kinda happy actually. i don't know what the hell. life is screwed up, it's all weird for me now. sometimes i just drive or space off and none of this seems real...you dying, me working, just life. i feel like something bad will happen to my family and more people close to me will die and i feel like it won't matter cuz that's just life and i'm expecting it. then i think it's not them that's gonna die soon, it's me. i think that i will die soon and all this life means nothing. everything i've ever done is meaningless. who is it important to? no one. so if anyone ever reads this and you too -----, it's ok that i die. if i get killed please be so happy for me. i am with ----- and that's what i want more than anything in the world. people should celebrate for me. if they only knew how happy i was to finally be with ----- again, they would shed tears of happiness, not sadness. i want it more than anything in the world. i have lived a great life. i have achieved much. i have been an awesome athlete, playing college soccer, softball and excelling in basketball. i have been on a team ranked nationally and went to a national tournament. i have won a game at nationals, i scored the first basket of the national tournament. that first win was the happiest day of my life (since surpassed by many moments with ----- - #1 now is the day he proposed - would've been our wedding day, but you know), i have accomplished much in the fire world, i have gained the respect of many, many co-worker's and i'm well thought of in the fire world, i am smart and the sky is the limit for anything i want to do, not only in fire but in anything in the whole world. in fire i am a division, i am a c faller and i am a female. i can beat guys hiking up a hill, i can beat guys running, i am a better sawyer than most guys. i am an excellent leader/coach. i was a star in high school, track, bball. i am the "strongest girl I've ever met". i'm the best girl athlete anyones ever seen. people look to me, people respect me. i have coached all levels. i was a college basketball coach, wow, that's still cool to me. i tried out for the wnba and almost made the cut. i graduated cum laude or whatever that smart person thing is. i graduated from college. i have a teaching degree. i taught 5th grade. i officiated a college basketball game. i have traveled all over the united states, north america and the world. i am not afraid of anything, i am fearless, courageous, confident. i have accomplished a lot in my life. i have a great job, i've had many great jobs. i've met many great people. i am surrounded by winners...just great people. i have a great family who loves me and i love them. i am proud of them and they are proud of me. i have loved and in my mind the love that i have experienced is better than any love that anyone in this world has experienced. if i could explain what heaven feels like, it would've been the same feelings that k-dub and i shared, it was that beautiful. i wouldn't change a thing if i lived my life over again. i have no regrets. so please, if i die for realz do not mourn me, my life has been full and beautiful and i am off to heaven: the whole goal of our life. i am so excited to get there, i can't wait. if people only knew how bad i wanted to be there. if people only knew how bad i wanted to be with ------. by dying i get both. heaven and -----. so please, i almost cry right now because i think of how happy i will be, so you all need to cry for me too, happy tears. i made it! and i will be waiting for you i promise.

Missing You So Much

I love you and miss you so much. I'm really at a loss for words, I just miss you and I feel so hopeless and lonely. I want you back and it's just empty and I can't help but think of you all the time every day. I wish you never had to leave. I'd write more but I'm just tired, lots of fires and 16+ hr. days. Something I wouldn't be doing if you were here, I'd be with you. I miss you. I'm on fires and I can't wait to leave to come home, but than I remember you're not there so why do I want to come home. I guess I don't, I just want to be with you. I feel really numb and lonely right now. I wish you could be here to give me a hug. Please don't forget about me, I think about you first thing every morning and last thing every night...of course all day in between. I'm not lying either, I really do think of you that much. I'm sad cuz I miss you. I can't wait to be with you in Heaven...I really can't wait, I know it will be good. Tomorrow I'll be going to church than the internet cafe, so I will write you a lot there. I have a lot I want to say to you..just tired right now. I love and miss you. Really, I love you more than anything in the whole wide world. xoxoxo - your baby girl.

I've Been To The Mountaintop

By Martin Luther King - April 3, 1968:

“Well, I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days
ahead. But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the
mountaintop. And I don't mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long
life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I
just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain.
And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land. I may not get
there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will
get to the promised land. And I'm happy, tonight. I'm not worried about
anything. I'm not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the
coming of the Lord.”

The next day he was assassinated.

Honey, I've been to the mountaintop with you......someday I'll be in the promised land with you. I can't wait.....I love you more than life itself.

Anniversary

A year ago today you asked me to marry you. It was without a doubt the happiest day of my life. I have never cried because I was so happy. That was the first time ever in my whole life that I cried because I was sooo happy. You don't even know how it touched me. I will never forget, the moment you asked the tears just came, I had absolutely no control. It was actually before you asked, when you got on your knees and took my hand, that look in your eyes...I knew and started crying. I was so overjoyed, this was the moment I'd waited for my whole life. You were the one I dreamed about , you were the one, we found each other and we were about to become one. We were going to share our life together. I seriously had no control over the tears. Remember how hard I hugged you, I was so happy, I never wanted to let you go. I'd give anything to rewind back to that moment, if I knew then what I knew know, I'd still be holding you. I'd hold you so tight and there's no way you would've pried me off of you. Remember how I just kept looking at the ring and I smiled so big and I couldn't stop looking at it. And I couldn't stop hugging you. That was the most wonderful moment in my whole life. It's hard to believe how much has happened since that time. It's been 365 days. :( I'll never forget that moment. Never in my whole life. I couldn't believe I was so lucky to have someone like you love me. I was so, so lucky. I really believe that. You were heaven sent. Honey, I love and miss you so much. I want us to be together again. This is really, really hard. It's so hard, I wish the pain would stop. I wish so bad. It's been 5 months since you died. I have to go to -----..probably a fire, we had over 300 lightning strikes. Not the way I'd like to honor you, but I will write your letter tomorrow. I pray that we will be reunited soon. I still can't imagine the rest of my life without you. This is hard. I love you more than anything in this whole world honey. I really do. You're still all that matters, I can't get over you. Please come back and get me, I miss you. I love you always for the rest of my life and after. Love u, love u, love u, love u, love u, love u - your baby girl.

Gorgeous

Just wanted you to know, no matter how sad I seem, you always are still so beautiful and gorgeous to me. It scares me that I will never find another you. I can't imagine anyone as beautiful as you. You were the complete package...for realz...you had it all. Finding another you will not be possible, so sometimes it sucks thinking about what could've been and that I'm gonna have to live the rest of my life alone. Please know you were the most precious thing that ever came into my life and it tears me up to know that we aren't a part of each others lives again. I know you're waiting for me in Heaven and that's what makes it all the much harder. I don't want to live here for 60+ yrs. all alone, just waiting to be with you. I want to be with you now. I suppose my next life lesson to learn is going to be patience.

I ran outside the other morning and it was cold. It reminded me of last spring when I'd run in --- and come home to you and it would be all cold, but you would be there and it would be warm in your apt. and I'd be sweating as soon as I walked in and I'd try to hug you but you wouldn't want any part of touching me...haha...and I'd get those funny kisses from you and I swear your lips were stretched like a foot just so no other part of you would have to touch me, but what was cool is that you still kissed me no matter how sweaty I was. Then I had oatmeal for breakfast thasmornin' and it once again reminded me of us having breakfast up there together this spring...we'd both work out and share our bowls of oatmeal. I really miss that. It's so little but it meant so much. Then I was driving home from --- yesterday (and today) and I looked up at the ridge north of the --- and I remember before we even started going out and we were flying back from the ---- unit and the sun was setting and we saw so many animals along the ridge. The setting was absolutely beautiful and what's funny is it's a memory with you. Regardless if we ever would've gotten together, I would've always remembered that moment in my life as being something really beautiful. Is it any surprise you were with me....I should've known then. Isn't it amazing we were sharing memories and moments together before we even "knew". It was a sign, I had so many memories and good times with you flying that spring. We didn't even know then, but looking back we knew. It just took 'til the summer. I know it was all me, I had my blinders on, but if I would've been looking we could've been together sooner. I guess we still got to share those moments together, that's what's important. Honey I miss you so much and I would give absolutely anything in the whole world to see your pretty face again. Or just touch you or see your smile. It's amazing the love I have for you, it's scary that it will never die and I'm gonna have to live with this for the rest of my life. I love you honey, please don't forget about me...please. I want to see you again when I die. I love you always...absolutely always and forever! xoxoxoxo

My Angel

honey i'm feeling real tired these days. i feel like i'm in some sort of rut that i can't get out of. i try to smile for people and be in a good mood but it's all fake. i just really miss you. i really want you back. i want to talk to you. i want to hug you. i just miss you so much. i can't believe you're gone. i am so lost without you. i'm so empty without you. i'm finding it so hard to care about anything. i want so bad to just quit work and do nothing. it does nothing for me. i'm so tired of going to work with a smile and pretending like it's all ok. i'm tired of putting on a happy face. fuck everyone, this fucking sucks and i hate every minute of it. i want to be with you. i don't want to be here. i'm am so, so tired. it's been a long 5 months (gonna be five months). only 5 months, i keep waiting for this to be a nightmare. i wait for it to be all over. i don't want to face people, i'm just so, so tired of being strong. i'm so tired of pretending to be happy. i'm so tired of faking a smile. i feel like a zombie. i don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. i have to go back to work tomorrow and i really, really don't want to. i want to just fall into your arms and cry. please take this all away. i want you back so bad. you're the only one who knew me. you were so perfect. it hurts. it hurts so bad. it hurts a lot. i'm tired of the pain, i want it all to go away. i'm tired of being sad honey. so many memories, they don't stop. just like words couldn't explain the love i felt for you, the same holds true for the pain i feel. no words can describe the hurt inside. this is something that i don't wish upon anyone in the whole world. people just don't understand either. i feel like they all think it's ok. well it's not, it's awful, it's so awful, it's almost unbearable. i want to just give up. i don't know what i'd do instead or where i'd go. if i could just leave this earth and go be with you. you're all i want. you're all i need. you really are. i have no solution, i'll try not to be so sad, but i really can't help it. i'm just so numb. i'm trying to turn to god but it just makes me want to leave this earth all the more. i want to go to heaven right now. i want to be with you. i want to be with grandma. i want to be with my uncle ---, ---, ---, ---. my great grandmas and grandpas. my grandpa --- and my grandpa --- and my grandpa i never knew, ---. i want to be there. i don't know how to get my mind right. i wish you were here so bad. i just want this all to go away and i don't know how. i need you honey, i really do. you were my soul mate, there is no doubt. you were the person i was going to grow old with. we were supposed to grow old together. be together forever and ever. wow, this hurts. so, so bad. i guess i'll go, i don't know what else to say...words can't describe this pain....no point in trying. i love and miss you so, so much. i can't wait to see you in heaven. please don't forget about me. so, so much love - your baby girl. xoxox you're beautiful my angel.

Really Wishing You Were Here

Off and on all day I have been wishing the worst way you were here, so I would have someone to share my day with. There are things that I loved sharing with you. No one else wants to hear some of the things that happen during my day. I wanted to share with you this awesome lightning storm we had today. I wanted to share my fire assignment with you. I just want someone to talk to. I could talk to you about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING and you would listen and be interested and contribute and ask questions. I want so much to share my life with you and you aren't here. It's weird to get used to sharing and suddenly it's gone. I now have no one to share with. Things I want to talk about, no one I know would want to hear about or would care. I don't know, it just bothers me off and on all day. I think how I want to share this or that with you and I realize I won't be doing any of that, you are gone. It's really sad that you are gone. I still can't believe it. You will never be replaced. I wonder a bit about my future, I guess it's probably inevitable that I will someday find someone and fall in love again. Maybe, but maybe not. It makes me want to cry just talking about it. I can't fathom any human being on this earth comparing to you, so I really do wonder if it's even possible. And that makes me sad because I may be doomed to a life of just me and my memories of you. That isn't bad, I wouldn't care if you were the only true, true love I ever had. You really are sacred to me. I almost hope I never find anyone else. I certainly can't even imagine anyone else, but realistically time goes on and in 10-20 yrs. from now things may change and who knows? You can't predict the future and I don't make the decisions anyway, God has my plan laid out for me, so if it's meant that someone else comes into my life than that means it will happen no matter what. What I can't help but think is that whoever it is has to be equivalent to you or better (is that even possible? I just don't see it), but anyway, if I ever do end up with someone else I know it will be great because they will have to be better than you. I will not ever in my whole life settle, no matter what. I'd rather live alone and with our memories. That I promise. Well, whatever happens, happens. It's all up to God. I miss you, I miss our talks, our conversations, our cuddles, our hugs, laying next to you, laughing with you, seeing you smile, watching you walk, watching you raise one eyebrow, rubbing your hair, i miss everything about you. I really do. This is certainly a test, very hard to swallow. I try my best and I'll keep trying my best for you. I really, really miss you and love you! Don't forget me ever please, I'll never forget you. Love always, your baby girl.

Gash Creek

I'm back from the Gash Creek fire honey. 2 weeks of that and I'm emotionally drained. It got so old listening to the air/ground radio traffic and hearing pilots & helicopters. As I've told you before, you all sound the same. Every time I thought of you. Same with the helicopters constantly overhead. Every time I thought of you. I'm not exaggerating either. I seriously thought of you every time. It was really hard to focus at the beginning. Helicopters everywhere and all I wanted was for it all to go away. I hated it. I wanted to just break down and cry. I wanted you back. I wanted you to be the pilot. I wanted you to be the helicopter. I wanted to come back to my tent every night and call you. I wanted to tell you how action packed my day was. I think you would've been so proud of me. I prayed a lot. I needed to, I don't know how I made it. I felt so weak and tired all the time. All I could think about was you the whole time. I remember the last time I set up my tent. I was in Arizona and I called you from that tent every night. That was what I thought as I put it up my first night there. Every night ----- (my div. trainer) called his wife. Every night I wished it was me. I wished so bad I could call you. I wished so bad I could tell you what I was doing. No one else understands. You would have. I like to think that you were there the whole time watching and I would like to think that you were helping me/guiding me. I would like to think that you were smiling down on me. ------- signed me off on Division...something you wanted me to do so bad. Something I never wanted to even do, but I did it. I took the assignment just for you. I seriously only took the assignment cuz you would've wanted me to. What sucks is I did it and there is no one to share it with. I can't come home and tell you. We both can't hug and smile and be happy about it. I wanted to share this moment so bad with you. Well, I can't and it's nothing to me that I got my Division, just a weight off my back. There is nothing left for me to get signed off on, so there will be no more pressure for me to go on fires.

I wanted to write you and let you know that I have emotionally drained myself. I miss you so much and life without you has been so lonely. It hurts me so, so deep that you are gone. I do feel so lost without you. I don't know how to make this go away. I want this feeling to leave, it hurts more than anything ever. No one understands either. Everyone thinks cuz I put on a happy face that I'm ok. Everyone thinks cuz it's been 5 months, I'm ok. But I'm not, I'm so sad and I'm so spent and I need a break. Work doesn't want me to leave cuz we are strapped for people, but I need to get away. You asked me a year ago to marry you and here I sit all alone with a ring on my finger, but without you it means nothing. It means I am eternally committed to someone I can't hug or kiss or share or cuddle or talk to. We also had our first date 2? 3? years ago from this time in August, the 11th. ( I say 12th, but you said the 11th, so I will believe you). It's all very powerful and emotionally overwhelming. I can't talk to anybody either cuz they wouldn't understand. I don't want people to think I'm trying to get out of work...or looking for sympathy. I just want people to try to understand, just believe that I am trying and it is hard. And sometimes I feel like I can't do it. Why me? I miss you so much honey...I just wish you'd walk through the door right now and give me a big hug and make all of this go away. It hurts so bad and I'm so sad.....I need you in my life. I love you always.